Do you ever hop into bed at night and think to yourself "I'm doing a terrible job at everything"? Well, I do. Pretty much every night. I always struggle between two planes of "I'm not doing nearly enough, I need to take on more" and "I'm doing way too much, I seriously can't take on one more thing". Why do we do this to ourselves?! This "perfect" and "for every woman" lifestyle that we all think is out there doesn't exist! Those perfect and pretty moms who are literally holding a baby in one hand and a dumbbell in another, or that student who somehow manages to look like a goddess every morning while leading a study group and a Christian book club, or for me, that photographer who has her whole life together, is booked for the next 478 weekends, who has a perfect Instagram, perfectly wanded hair at all times, and somehow balances being a wife, business owner and still has the time to go to the gym. Like, is that even real?! What are YOU drinking every morning? Cause my cup of Einsteins butter toffee black coffee ain't cutting it anymore!
For some reason, we look at all of the powerful lives around us, and think to ourselves that everyone EXCEPT us is nailing it. Like, we need to hop on the success train or something. Well, slowly but surely I am realizing that no one really is killing it. Seriously! No one. We have the opportunity to literally see maybe .05% of the "real" in peoples' lives. Especially the people we are drooling over! We get to see the perfect relationship pictures, the homemade apple pie with that stupid criss cross crust that turns into ash every time I try to make it, and utter success in the mom/business/everything world. Side note: can I tell you that Seth LOATHES taking photos with me? With anyone? In life in general? I'm a photographer. How this is going to work? No clue. We're getting there (at least thats what I continue to whisper to myself every time I get the stink eye for whipping out my camera). Either way, any "cute" picture of us you see usually involves a little bit of struggle before hand. So, next time you see one, really take it in. Either way, this is why GRACE is what it's all about! We weren't intended to have it all together, so why are we constantly disappointed in ourselves when we don't?
We need to stop selling ourselves short. We need to give ourselves a lot more credit! I'm finishing up school, I am a photographer who constantly deals with client emails, editing, and problem solving, I am a designer, a consultant for a skin company, an artist, a blogger, I am in a committed long distance relationship, I am a sister to 6, a friend to many, a mentor to few, and on top of that have to maintain an abundant relationship with Jesus Christ, and I'm finding myself disappointed at the end of the day?! No more. Please, no more. We have to stop looking at everyone else, and start praising ourselves. We are hard working, care taking, godly women who deserve to know our worth. We seriously cannot do it all, and we have to stop believing we can. No one can! We need help, and it's all around us. The best thing that we can do for ourselves as well as for others is to be real. Real with who we are while we're looking in the mirror, and real with who we are while engaging with others. Be a safe place for others to accept the crazy, instead of having everyone (including ourselves) think that we have to (as if it's even possible) have it all together.
I'm over being disappointed. What about you?
J
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
All About Grace
I remember when I first decided to follow the Lord. I always sort of catch a side eye from fellow believers because I can't quite mark the exact day, time, location, what I was wearing, or what color hair tie I was using at the time I accepted Jesus into my heart. All I knew was that it MUST have happened at some point, due to the fact that I rang the bell (a congratulatory symbol of asking Jesus into your heart at Kanakuk Camp) at least 30 times. For me, I prayed the prayer (probably one too many times), I was baptized, but it was more of a process for me. More of a learning and growing experience rather than me waking up feeling saved and living life like a "Christian".
I think nowadays, it's really easy to want to judge or come to our own conclusion on whether or not someone is ACTUALLY a believer. I hear sayings such as "Well, he says he is a believer...but... you know." or "She is a Christian, but not an actual like, deep Christian." or even "I mean, she is just spiritually immature so, I think she is one of "those" Christians that SAY they're a Christian but..." All of which I have been guilty of myself in some way shape or form. My point is, what do these even mean? Why does someone have to fit a certain bill in order to pass as a good enough believer to the point where there are no if, ands, or buts when they confess Jesus is Lord of their life?
Think back to the time when YOU first asked Jesus to be the ruler of your heart. Was it really an overnight change? If so, that's awesome! Yet for the other 99.9% of people who need to put in the work in order to see ounces of change at once, where is our grace? In all honesty, I'm sure I ruined many opportunities to plant seeds when I first became a believer, even turned people away! However, I was learning. I still lied, if I didn't cuss out loud, I did in my head, I said things that I absolutely regret, I was judgmental, gossipy, impure, and everything that would constitute as NOT a "real" Christian to most people's standards.
We need grace. People need grace. I STILL need grace. We always will. Christianity is not about whether or not someone cusses, or tells inappropriate jokes, or has not very well thought out tattoos, or purple colored hair, or dare I address bigger issues in the Christian community like adultery, theft, or sexual immorality! Since when are these "offenses" powerful enough to completely steal away ones faith? It is all the same to Him. Yes, we must look at the fruit, and fruit can speak volumes. However, do not look at one apple and assume the entire tree is bad. As a matter of fact, stop examining and judging all together! We must leave that up to the Lord. People grow, and the Lord reveals certain things to His beloved children in His own timing. Not ours.
Our jobs are to love. Love hopes and trusts in all things! Love doesn't take something that someone said, and examine every possible reason why it may or may not be true, and to what extent. Love conquers all, and with love comes grace. Grace is what it is all about. If we can begin to look at people like Jesus looks at them, this judgmental, gossipy and quick-to-assumption world would be entirely different. Lets come alongside of each other and remember that we all as a body of Christ are flawed, and saved only by HIS grace alone. This will change everything.
I think nowadays, it's really easy to want to judge or come to our own conclusion on whether or not someone is ACTUALLY a believer. I hear sayings such as "Well, he says he is a believer...but... you know." or "She is a Christian, but not an actual like, deep Christian." or even "I mean, she is just spiritually immature so, I think she is one of "those" Christians that SAY they're a Christian but..." All of which I have been guilty of myself in some way shape or form. My point is, what do these even mean? Why does someone have to fit a certain bill in order to pass as a good enough believer to the point where there are no if, ands, or buts when they confess Jesus is Lord of their life?
Think back to the time when YOU first asked Jesus to be the ruler of your heart. Was it really an overnight change? If so, that's awesome! Yet for the other 99.9% of people who need to put in the work in order to see ounces of change at once, where is our grace? In all honesty, I'm sure I ruined many opportunities to plant seeds when I first became a believer, even turned people away! However, I was learning. I still lied, if I didn't cuss out loud, I did in my head, I said things that I absolutely regret, I was judgmental, gossipy, impure, and everything that would constitute as NOT a "real" Christian to most people's standards.
We need grace. People need grace. I STILL need grace. We always will. Christianity is not about whether or not someone cusses, or tells inappropriate jokes, or has not very well thought out tattoos, or purple colored hair, or dare I address bigger issues in the Christian community like adultery, theft, or sexual immorality! Since when are these "offenses" powerful enough to completely steal away ones faith? It is all the same to Him. Yes, we must look at the fruit, and fruit can speak volumes. However, do not look at one apple and assume the entire tree is bad. As a matter of fact, stop examining and judging all together! We must leave that up to the Lord. People grow, and the Lord reveals certain things to His beloved children in His own timing. Not ours.
Our jobs are to love. Love hopes and trusts in all things! Love doesn't take something that someone said, and examine every possible reason why it may or may not be true, and to what extent. Love conquers all, and with love comes grace. Grace is what it is all about. If we can begin to look at people like Jesus looks at them, this judgmental, gossipy and quick-to-assumption world would be entirely different. Lets come alongside of each other and remember that we all as a body of Christ are flawed, and saved only by HIS grace alone. This will change everything.
Saturday, April 30, 2016
Striving for Realness
While there is nothing wrong with creating beautiful photos, I don't want people to come to my blog and lust after a life that I quite honestly do not have. I as a photographer have to find a balance between being real, and creating REAL, beautiful photos. I can still make a stunning photo without manipulating it's every subject to perfection. What I want is for people to come and to see that you are not the only one who ripped a hole in the butt crack of her (too tight) leggings because you had just put lotion on and you were pulling too hard. I want this to be a place of beauty, creativity and light, but I also want it to be a place of authenticity, vulnerability and realness. I want to share with you everything from what my quiet times with the Lord look like in the morning, to the office I am renovating in my aunt's home, to how to take successful photos on your iPhone. I'm looking forward to getting to share my life with you guys, and hope that you are too. I promise, I will try to make sure that my posts/pictures will always be pretty, but I assure you, they will not be perfect. They will reflect me and who I am as accurately and as genuinely as possible.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
I Am Considered
Goodness, I promise I am a firm believer in consistency. I know that in no way, shape or form does my blog reflect that belief, yet I swear I am- and as saddened as I am to admit it, I don't even have a good excuse. If I were to come up with one though, I think I would simply have to say "life". I've let it get away from me, and I am working little by little on many different things in order to get back in front of it, instead of 4 miles behind it. By the grace of God I'm getting there! I'm not quite sure what it is lately, but I've been inspired to share. I'm not one to think that I have the most interesting life nor much going on for that matter by ANY means, but I do know that for quite some time, the Lord has provided me with a strong desire in my heart and soul to be a relatable young woman. Open, honest, genuine and present. On top of my knack for writing, there's something so special that I love about setting aside intentional time to separate myself from the world, and to share what is going on in my mind, heart, and every day life with the people whom I truly care about. So, without further ado...
The other night I was talking to my boyfriend Seth, and I ended up asking him for a little bit of his perspective on what he thinks I should talk about in my next blog post. There were so many things that I felt like I could write about, and I was having such a difficult time honing in on what exactly I wanted to discuss. Naturally, we sort of veered off from my original question, and the next morning I was left with yet still no clue as to what I truly felt led to blog about. It's always just come to me. I sit down, I listen to the birds, I sip my coffee, and everything just always seems to flow. For some reason, I came to this one a little bit differently. Difficulty and intentionally, yet beautifully. This time, it came to me in tears. It came to me as I stood crouched over my bed with my fists clenched onto my sheets, with no words coming out of my mouth, but silent cries to the Lord while listening to "A Little Longer" by Jenn Johnson (the live version... trust me). It came to me in a moment where folding my laundry turned into a revelation, and it came to me when I was absolutely least expecting it.
For a while now, I have slowly began to feel somewhat forgotten, or rather, unconsidered. Like the Lord has sort of put me on the back burner while everyone else's lives seem to be coming together and going "their way" if you will. While I am over here simply trudging through the sludge, only to get to somewhere that I am not even certain of what will be. I know deep in my heart of hearts that He DOES care and that my feelings and emotions have overridden any biblical truth on the matter, but nevertheless, I've allowed myself to come to terms with this. My boyfriend lives in San Diego, so there isn't much need for explanation there. He does a wonderful job, but it's tough to balance two time zones, opposing schedules, busy jobs, and everything else that comes with a good ol' long distance relationship. Anyways, most of my siblings are living in Dallas, working together, hanging out together, making plans together, and as secure as I am in my relationships with them, I would be lying if I said that I don't experience extreme cases of FOMO (fear of missing out... I guess that's a thing now) every now and then. I'm also living with my aunt and am currently still on the lookout for a place to stay while her two children are back for the Summer, I have no idea what happens after graduation (where I will live, what I will do, and so on) and on top of that, my best friend is the busiest woman in the world. None of this is truly terrible, but I think after a while it begins to add up, and I've simply started wondering why/accepting the fact that things really haven't been going "my way" and will probably continue not to for a while.
I didn't realize it until yesterday afternoon while listening to that song on repeat, that slowly but surely I have let the evil one convince me that I am hardly a thought in anyone else's mind. Not even that I am undeserving, but that I am simply not even of consideration. That people are busy, the Lord is there but I've just got to deal with the given circumstances whether I like it or not, that I must find contentment in this feeling of insignificance, and my goodness I could not have accepted a bigger lie. The lyrics that triggered every fickle emotion in my being yesterday afternoon were these:
"You don't have to do a thing
Just simply be with me
and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute
Wait, this moment is too sweet
Would you please stay here here with me
And love on me a little longer
Cause I like to be with you a little longer
I love to be with you a little longer
Cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you"
I wasn't aware of how desperate I was to hear these words from someone. Not just any someone, but from Whom it meant the most. I am so desired, cherished, treasured, sought after, pursued, and prioritized. I am a child of the most high God, and even if I were not even a mere thought in anyone else's mind, I am His first and most treasured thought during every second of every day- He simply wants time with me. He wants me of all people to love on Him a little longer, and that simple yet powerful truth ravished my soul. As difficult as that is to remember at times, when this world and it's harsh ways so desperately desire to make nothing of us, remember with me... We have an ever powerful Father who is sustaining every breath of every little thing on this planet, and He considers us. He considers us above all else. Remember that with me, and let go of the lies that satan is so easily entangling you with. We are His, and we are enough for Him.
The other night I was talking to my boyfriend Seth, and I ended up asking him for a little bit of his perspective on what he thinks I should talk about in my next blog post. There were so many things that I felt like I could write about, and I was having such a difficult time honing in on what exactly I wanted to discuss. Naturally, we sort of veered off from my original question, and the next morning I was left with yet still no clue as to what I truly felt led to blog about. It's always just come to me. I sit down, I listen to the birds, I sip my coffee, and everything just always seems to flow. For some reason, I came to this one a little bit differently. Difficulty and intentionally, yet beautifully. This time, it came to me in tears. It came to me as I stood crouched over my bed with my fists clenched onto my sheets, with no words coming out of my mouth, but silent cries to the Lord while listening to "A Little Longer" by Jenn Johnson (the live version... trust me). It came to me in a moment where folding my laundry turned into a revelation, and it came to me when I was absolutely least expecting it.
For a while now, I have slowly began to feel somewhat forgotten, or rather, unconsidered. Like the Lord has sort of put me on the back burner while everyone else's lives seem to be coming together and going "their way" if you will. While I am over here simply trudging through the sludge, only to get to somewhere that I am not even certain of what will be. I know deep in my heart of hearts that He DOES care and that my feelings and emotions have overridden any biblical truth on the matter, but nevertheless, I've allowed myself to come to terms with this. My boyfriend lives in San Diego, so there isn't much need for explanation there. He does a wonderful job, but it's tough to balance two time zones, opposing schedules, busy jobs, and everything else that comes with a good ol' long distance relationship. Anyways, most of my siblings are living in Dallas, working together, hanging out together, making plans together, and as secure as I am in my relationships with them, I would be lying if I said that I don't experience extreme cases of FOMO (fear of missing out... I guess that's a thing now) every now and then. I'm also living with my aunt and am currently still on the lookout for a place to stay while her two children are back for the Summer, I have no idea what happens after graduation (where I will live, what I will do, and so on) and on top of that, my best friend is the busiest woman in the world. None of this is truly terrible, but I think after a while it begins to add up, and I've simply started wondering why/accepting the fact that things really haven't been going "my way" and will probably continue not to for a while.
I didn't realize it until yesterday afternoon while listening to that song on repeat, that slowly but surely I have let the evil one convince me that I am hardly a thought in anyone else's mind. Not even that I am undeserving, but that I am simply not even of consideration. That people are busy, the Lord is there but I've just got to deal with the given circumstances whether I like it or not, that I must find contentment in this feeling of insignificance, and my goodness I could not have accepted a bigger lie. The lyrics that triggered every fickle emotion in my being yesterday afternoon were these:
"You don't have to do a thing
Just simply be with me
and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute
Wait, this moment is too sweet
Would you please stay here here with me
And love on me a little longer
Cause I like to be with you a little longer
I love to be with you a little longer
Cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you"
I wasn't aware of how desperate I was to hear these words from someone. Not just any someone, but from Whom it meant the most. I am so desired, cherished, treasured, sought after, pursued, and prioritized. I am a child of the most high God, and even if I were not even a mere thought in anyone else's mind, I am His first and most treasured thought during every second of every day- He simply wants time with me. He wants me of all people to love on Him a little longer, and that simple yet powerful truth ravished my soul. As difficult as that is to remember at times, when this world and it's harsh ways so desperately desire to make nothing of us, remember with me... We have an ever powerful Father who is sustaining every breath of every little thing on this planet, and He considers us. He considers us above all else. Remember that with me, and let go of the lies that satan is so easily entangling you with. We are His, and we are enough for Him.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Be Those Few
Modesty. Gentle in Spirit. Submissive. Helper. These are all words found in the book of life, that women (especially these days) tend to turn their noses up to. Why is it that femininity or womanhood has strictly become dependent upon our outer appearance? I so often hear women talking about wanting to look sexy, or dressing/acting in such a way that will draw positive attention to them, and unfortunately not so very often do I hear women putting their outer appearance on the back burner, to focus on the character and worth that can only be founded in the Lord. Now, I struggle with this too. I think all women do! There may always be this inner desire to look attractive, and there is nothing wrong with that! However, when we are acting or dressing TO attract, this is where the heart issue comes in.
This time is a scary one. Society really couldn't care less anymore about character, inner beauty, or godliness. What's attracting men and winning over hearts is this sassy, sexy, demanding, independent sort of attitude and appearance, and it is slowly but surely killing this generation, and the next to come. Women, our goal should not be to have the sexiest body, so that we can find the skimpiest bathing suit, or hottest outfit to go out in. Not at all. Our goal should be to protect the hearts and minds of young men out there who will inevitably struggle. Make that fight a little bit easier for them. There are husbands out there, boyfriends, fathers, and brothers in Christ whose flesh may desire every bit of the skin you're showing, but their Spirits are fighting and rejecting it. No, we should not make these changes simply and only to please/protect our brothers, but you will sure be blessed and thanked for it. Our goal is to please our Lord and Savior, and invite people into His kingdom.
As examples and light bearers of the Lord, words like selfless, submissive, modesty and gentle in Spirit, should circle in our hearts and minds over and over. We should strive for it. Write it on our to-do lists. That sassy attitude and harsh tone may be cute or funny to some, but it is a tragedy to our Lord. There are too many women out there already who are not carrying the name of our God well, and most not at all. Be the ones. Discipline ourselves to find our worth and praise from our God, instead of the men surrounding us. Trust me, in the long run they will appreciate it. Strive to forgive, and to be sweet, instead of being argumentative, judgmental and harsh. Be a safe place of peace for people. Be a breath of fresh air for those around you who are striving just like you, to become the woman that the Lord intends for them to be. You will be blessed for your fight against the devil's schemes. Women, it's hard to come by. It truly is. Going to church, attending a weekly bible study, and proclaiming the name of Jesus is wonderful, but it is not the end all, be all. Let's produce some fruit. Let's be earthly bearers of the Holy Spirit. Let's be those few! We can do it together.
This time is a scary one. Society really couldn't care less anymore about character, inner beauty, or godliness. What's attracting men and winning over hearts is this sassy, sexy, demanding, independent sort of attitude and appearance, and it is slowly but surely killing this generation, and the next to come. Women, our goal should not be to have the sexiest body, so that we can find the skimpiest bathing suit, or hottest outfit to go out in. Not at all. Our goal should be to protect the hearts and minds of young men out there who will inevitably struggle. Make that fight a little bit easier for them. There are husbands out there, boyfriends, fathers, and brothers in Christ whose flesh may desire every bit of the skin you're showing, but their Spirits are fighting and rejecting it. No, we should not make these changes simply and only to please/protect our brothers, but you will sure be blessed and thanked for it. Our goal is to please our Lord and Savior, and invite people into His kingdom.
As examples and light bearers of the Lord, words like selfless, submissive, modesty and gentle in Spirit, should circle in our hearts and minds over and over. We should strive for it. Write it on our to-do lists. That sassy attitude and harsh tone may be cute or funny to some, but it is a tragedy to our Lord. There are too many women out there already who are not carrying the name of our God well, and most not at all. Be the ones. Discipline ourselves to find our worth and praise from our God, instead of the men surrounding us. Trust me, in the long run they will appreciate it. Strive to forgive, and to be sweet, instead of being argumentative, judgmental and harsh. Be a safe place of peace for people. Be a breath of fresh air for those around you who are striving just like you, to become the woman that the Lord intends for them to be. You will be blessed for your fight against the devil's schemes. Women, it's hard to come by. It truly is. Going to church, attending a weekly bible study, and proclaiming the name of Jesus is wonderful, but it is not the end all, be all. Let's produce some fruit. Let's be earthly bearers of the Holy Spirit. Let's be those few! We can do it together.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Out of Our Control
Oh Lord, blessed is the man who trusts in You. Psalm 84:12
Over the course of the last four months, (to put it simply) I have been struggling to find a job. To be honest, I have never in my life had to search so hard. I owe that all to the Lord's favor, but am seriously struggling as to finding a reason why? I have put myself out there in ways that I never thought I would have to, I have gone for jobs that I thought "surely, I am better than this", and have (at least in my mind) been willing to "settle" simply for the sake of making a little bit of cash. At the end of the day, I'm left frustrated. I look at my siblings and how their lives and jobs are flourishing, how the Lord is providing work for them left and right, and it's difficult for me to remain in a state of thankfulness.
However when I really get to thinking; and it doesn't take all that much, I am blown away at His faithfulness. He has provided in ways that I can only smile of while telling, and has carried me through this time of frustration, fear, embarrassment, and doubt. He has been there, and continues to be there continuously, and for that I have no words. I was finally able to have enough time to publish my official photography website (which I am trusting will slowly but surely take off in ways that I would never be able to imagine), and to design/order some business cards that turned out wonderfully as well! He has provided me with the finances and time to do the things I need to do, and sometimes even the things I WANT to do. I have never gone without a bed, or without a meal.
Sometimes, we don't always comprehend why we are in a certain season of life. I couldn't tell you why it has been this hard for me to find a job, and why every possible opportunity has fallen through up to this point. It's frustrating, hurtful, and draining. However, I do know that He is in complete control. Weather we feel like that or not, that is truth, and truth is what we operate out of. We don't operate out of the natural, but the supernatural. Not fear, not feelings, but what His Words says, and that alone. His Word tells us that He will never forsake us, and that His understanding is far above ours. He has a job set in place for me, and He sees 3 months, 1 year, even ten years from now. He has a plan for me in this time, and for my life that I may not see right now. If I don't have a job right now, and I am doing everything that I can, then the Lord is saving me from something. It has nothing to do with me at the end of the day. Nothing to do with my skill set or talent or experience, but His will and favor for my life. I could be unbelievably qualified, and not get the job, as well as overwhelmingly unqualified, and end up getting it. It's all Him, and none of us, and that is something that during seasons of life like these, we can absolutely rest in.
Feel free to leave your prayer requests in the comment section of this post, or in my inbox on Facebook. They will be written down and prayed over gratefully.
Over the course of the last four months, (to put it simply) I have been struggling to find a job. To be honest, I have never in my life had to search so hard. I owe that all to the Lord's favor, but am seriously struggling as to finding a reason why? I have put myself out there in ways that I never thought I would have to, I have gone for jobs that I thought "surely, I am better than this", and have (at least in my mind) been willing to "settle" simply for the sake of making a little bit of cash. At the end of the day, I'm left frustrated. I look at my siblings and how their lives and jobs are flourishing, how the Lord is providing work for them left and right, and it's difficult for me to remain in a state of thankfulness.
However when I really get to thinking; and it doesn't take all that much, I am blown away at His faithfulness. He has provided in ways that I can only smile of while telling, and has carried me through this time of frustration, fear, embarrassment, and doubt. He has been there, and continues to be there continuously, and for that I have no words. I was finally able to have enough time to publish my official photography website (which I am trusting will slowly but surely take off in ways that I would never be able to imagine), and to design/order some business cards that turned out wonderfully as well! He has provided me with the finances and time to do the things I need to do, and sometimes even the things I WANT to do. I have never gone without a bed, or without a meal.
Sometimes, we don't always comprehend why we are in a certain season of life. I couldn't tell you why it has been this hard for me to find a job, and why every possible opportunity has fallen through up to this point. It's frustrating, hurtful, and draining. However, I do know that He is in complete control. Weather we feel like that or not, that is truth, and truth is what we operate out of. We don't operate out of the natural, but the supernatural. Not fear, not feelings, but what His Words says, and that alone. His Word tells us that He will never forsake us, and that His understanding is far above ours. He has a job set in place for me, and He sees 3 months, 1 year, even ten years from now. He has a plan for me in this time, and for my life that I may not see right now. If I don't have a job right now, and I am doing everything that I can, then the Lord is saving me from something. It has nothing to do with me at the end of the day. Nothing to do with my skill set or talent or experience, but His will and favor for my life. I could be unbelievably qualified, and not get the job, as well as overwhelmingly unqualified, and end up getting it. It's all Him, and none of us, and that is something that during seasons of life like these, we can absolutely rest in.
Feel free to leave your prayer requests in the comment section of this post, or in my inbox on Facebook. They will be written down and prayed over gratefully.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
We're All Hurting Somewhere
I am someone who finds so much comfort in the pain, fear and struggle of others. I know that sounds somewhat terrible and a little bit frightening, but it's true. That's just the way that I am. Whenever something is going on with me, whenever I'm in a rough spot or season, am drowning in fear or discouragement- second after prayer, I like to go to people. I want to talk. Tell me what YOU'RE scared of, what you cry about often, what forces you to rest in Him all the more? Listening to others open up to a vulnerable, secret and dusty place in their souls... there is something so beautiful about it. It reminds me that I'm not alone. It reminds me that we're all messed up. That we are all indeed so, so very in need of our perfect, ever capable, healing, loving Savior.
To be honest, one of my biggest fears is messing up. I know... I giggled myself. However, it's true! I mean, I have an extensive past. I lied, I stole, I was dishonest, judgmental, disrespectful, dishonoring- I was a hurt, insecure, fearful young girl, hiding behind a rough, mean, and hard exterior. The Lord was no where present in my life, and that was evident for all to see. Then, long story short- the Lord completely transformed my life. He came and shook me, broke me, and is continuing to mold me day by day. He has stolen my heart and I will forever continue living my life as a bondservant of Him.
I think that accepting grace is a process. Yes, you just have to do it, but it's probably one of the hardest things I am continuously learning. Once your eyes are opened to the stunning, breathtaking transforming love of our Lord, you simply begin to become so, so small. I have struggled ever since the day I asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart, with performance. I fear failure, I fear discomfort, I fear fear! I forget that it's okay to be hurt, or terrified, or doubt. I forget that we're all human, and that we came into this world so needy and desperate for our God. I forget that my every breath is being sustained by our Creator. I so easily can get caught up in wrapping my problems inside of this pretty little Paper Source wrapped box with the most darling pink bow on it, and some glitter... you know, just for a little extra distraction.
Something I have been recognizing lately, is how unbelievably imperfect we all are. The issue with my fear of failure, or looking bad, is pride. That is the root of it. Satan wants me to feel as though first of all, I am even capable of doing or being "good" or "perfect" on my own, and that second of all, no one else on this planet is struggling with absolutely anything. It's just me. That is a lie from the pit of hell! We are here FOR people. Our soul purpose here is for us to relationship! To fear, doubt and mess up together, and then to pick each other up and push each other towards Christ! To ask the stranger sitting next to you on the train, what his greatest fear is. To talk to someone new on your lunch break, and to begin a conversation about how many times daily I have to remind myself of God's truth and grace, while in a relationship! People are so willing, I promise you! We just rarely give each other the space, the time or the effort, to allow ourselves access to such a valuable reminder: We are not alone. We all need Him! Growth comes with vulnerability. It doesn't always come easy! Think of the times in your life where you have experienced the most growth! It's when you have to wake up at 4:00 a.m. to babysit the children of the corn! It's when your boss is an #%&$@ and you have to fight every ounce of your will in order to not flip a table. It's when you lose someone so close to you, or when you find out the most heart wrenching news you have ever received. Those are the times when we need and desire for someone or something so much bigger than ourselves. Everyone is hurting, everyone is struggling in one area or another. Let's remind ourselves of that, come together and point, push, and encourage each other towards Him.
To be honest, one of my biggest fears is messing up. I know... I giggled myself. However, it's true! I mean, I have an extensive past. I lied, I stole, I was dishonest, judgmental, disrespectful, dishonoring- I was a hurt, insecure, fearful young girl, hiding behind a rough, mean, and hard exterior. The Lord was no where present in my life, and that was evident for all to see. Then, long story short- the Lord completely transformed my life. He came and shook me, broke me, and is continuing to mold me day by day. He has stolen my heart and I will forever continue living my life as a bondservant of Him.
I think that accepting grace is a process. Yes, you just have to do it, but it's probably one of the hardest things I am continuously learning. Once your eyes are opened to the stunning, breathtaking transforming love of our Lord, you simply begin to become so, so small. I have struggled ever since the day I asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart, with performance. I fear failure, I fear discomfort, I fear fear! I forget that it's okay to be hurt, or terrified, or doubt. I forget that we're all human, and that we came into this world so needy and desperate for our God. I forget that my every breath is being sustained by our Creator. I so easily can get caught up in wrapping my problems inside of this pretty little Paper Source wrapped box with the most darling pink bow on it, and some glitter... you know, just for a little extra distraction.
Something I have been recognizing lately, is how unbelievably imperfect we all are. The issue with my fear of failure, or looking bad, is pride. That is the root of it. Satan wants me to feel as though first of all, I am even capable of doing or being "good" or "perfect" on my own, and that second of all, no one else on this planet is struggling with absolutely anything. It's just me. That is a lie from the pit of hell! We are here FOR people. Our soul purpose here is for us to relationship! To fear, doubt and mess up together, and then to pick each other up and push each other towards Christ! To ask the stranger sitting next to you on the train, what his greatest fear is. To talk to someone new on your lunch break, and to begin a conversation about how many times daily I have to remind myself of God's truth and grace, while in a relationship! People are so willing, I promise you! We just rarely give each other the space, the time or the effort, to allow ourselves access to such a valuable reminder: We are not alone. We all need Him! Growth comes with vulnerability. It doesn't always come easy! Think of the times in your life where you have experienced the most growth! It's when you have to wake up at 4:00 a.m. to babysit the children of the corn! It's when your boss is an #%&$@ and you have to fight every ounce of your will in order to not flip a table. It's when you lose someone so close to you, or when you find out the most heart wrenching news you have ever received. Those are the times when we need and desire for someone or something so much bigger than ourselves. Everyone is hurting, everyone is struggling in one area or another. Let's remind ourselves of that, come together and point, push, and encourage each other towards Him.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Where's The Grace?
Lately, the concept of grace has been circulating throughout my mind. As the weeks pass, I find myself dedicating ample amounts of time towards the quest of understanding this beautiful thing. However, I also find myself realizing how many people around me, weather in the body of Christ or not, simply cannot wrap their minds around it. It has absolutely been a difficult process for myself, and an ongoing one at that. Trying to receive such a priceless gift from the one who already gave His life for you in return for absolutely nothing, is a little bit of a mind boggling thought. I could never understand why, or how. Therefore, I just rejected it and never fully gave it a chance to work inside of me the way that He intended for it to.
The day I made the decision to open my heart to fully understanding His grace, was when my mother told me that I had a difficult time with in doing so. I really wasn't aware, but hearing her explain sort of the way in which my heart was working at the time, it all made sense. I was so legalistic, and with that comes a little bit of a judgmental spirit. I felt condemned, therefore I condemned. I couldn't receive the grace that the Lord was freely handing me, so there was nothing keeping me from coming down on others for their "ungodly" ways. I always felt distant from Him, and I was living in a constant state of shame, guilt and fear.
Then, it dawned on me. Not instantly, but day after day it continues to. Who am I? Who are we? Where is the grace? I had a friend recently who decided to open up to me about something that she did, that she was clearly not proud of. In my mind, my first (and sinful) initial thought was filled with judgment. I didn't say anything, but for a quick moment I had thoughts running through my mind that contained no encouragement and more importantly, no grace. The more we talked, the more my heart broke. She expressed to me how she felt as though she couldn't tell anyone. Only a couple of people knew- even some of the people who were so close to her had no idea.
To me, that was sad. This is sad. Like I said, who are we? If we are the people that ones who have messed up cannot come openly to, if we are the ones with judgment eyes and judgment hearts, we must repent. His grace is the only thing keeping us alive. All in all, we are all so unworthy. We are dirty and in so much need of our Savior. There is no reason why one (saved or not) shouldn't be able to come to another. Shamelessly, openly and broken. If we are striving to be like Christ, condemnation is the furthest thing from Him. We as the body of Christ, need to begin accepting, loving, encouraging and forgiving. We need to put away the judgmental thoughts and words, and get back to the basics. WWJD? The answer to that question can be found throughout the beautifully God breathed pages of scripture. Every single one of them. The answer to that question is the answer to the lack of genuine, vulnerable and Christ guided/centered community today.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Embrace the Emptiness
"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, Who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will Himself complete and make you what you ought to be, establish and ground you securely, and strengthen, and settle you." 1 Peter 5:10
It's been a while, friends. After spending an entire Summer in Dallas, Texas, I am just now feeling like my feet are back underneath me again. The amount of change and learning opportunities that I was able to encounter were ample. From sharing a bed for 3 months, to the blazing heat, to countless misquote bites, the negatives are far outnumbered by the positives of my mothers cooking, Naked and Afraid marathons with my siblings, and brother/sister bonding over Taco Bell. I miss my family. However, it feels almost as wonderful being back in my little town house, sitting at my desk while overlooking the murky yet somehow incredibly inviting lake (okay, swamp) across the street. The stillness and quiet is something I have found that my body needs; this satisfies fairly wonderfully.
Being back home of course entails change. Something I am not very fond of, or very great at handling. Although I finally am beginning to feel a sense of routine and comfortability, a lot has been going on lately- a lot that I find trouble dealing with on my own. I'm pretty sure that my mom has every right to ignore every phone call that she ever receives from me, starting now. She is my rock, and although I am a clone of my father, there are times that I cant help but want mama. Luckily, it isn't just my mother who has to deal with my (insert any synonym of crazy here) ness. I was talking to my best friend Tiana last night about how much I feel is going on, and how unqualified I feel to handle it. She then mentioned the fact she felt the exact same way. We wondered for a moment if something was legitimately wrong with us. Lately, I have been reminded and revealed of how in need of a Savior, wretched, crooked and messed up I really am apart from the loving Father. I began to explain how everything from listening to "My Little Girl" by Tim McGraw to watching some dumb little video of a little cat putting his face in a vacuum cleaner, made me want to cry.
I am a verbal analyzer. 99% of the time, I don't quite know how I feel until I begin to explain it- then, it all comes to me. Anyways, as I went on about how absolutely inadequate and overwhelmed I felt, the Lord allowed me to realize something. I need this. As busy as I have been (compared to usual), I have never clung tighter to the Lord. From keeping my face in scripture, to crying out to Him in worship, to bawling my eyes out on my bed in light of His underserved mercy and grace, I need this. Essentially, I want this. As difficult as it may be to deal with all of the overwhelming realities, Him allowing me to see me for what I really am, and to see Him for who He really is, is answered prayer. He is awaking my soul, renewing my mind, and allowing me to reach out and experience His character to the full. The gospel in itself is devastating. It will wreck you if you let it, and let it. Please.
All in all, if you are ever in a situation or season where you find yourself in need of a comfort, healing or restoration that is not of this world, get down to the root of that and find it in Him. He is the only one who can fully and wholly satisfy in times like these. If a difficult season is what it takes for us to draw a little closer to Him, embrace that. He loves it, He really does. He wants you, He wants to show you His love and His grace. Not in a condemning way, but a soft, inviting, appealing, warm and necessary way. Allow yourself to break, come to grips with where you're at and seek the Savior whom will piece by piece, mend you into a better version of the person you were before you broke. Trust Him, seek Him, hold Him tightly, and allow Him to fight the feelings for you. He already has.
It's been a while, friends. After spending an entire Summer in Dallas, Texas, I am just now feeling like my feet are back underneath me again. The amount of change and learning opportunities that I was able to encounter were ample. From sharing a bed for 3 months, to the blazing heat, to countless misquote bites, the negatives are far outnumbered by the positives of my mothers cooking, Naked and Afraid marathons with my siblings, and brother/sister bonding over Taco Bell. I miss my family. However, it feels almost as wonderful being back in my little town house, sitting at my desk while overlooking the murky yet somehow incredibly inviting lake (okay, swamp) across the street. The stillness and quiet is something I have found that my body needs; this satisfies fairly wonderfully.
Being back home of course entails change. Something I am not very fond of, or very great at handling. Although I finally am beginning to feel a sense of routine and comfortability, a lot has been going on lately- a lot that I find trouble dealing with on my own. I'm pretty sure that my mom has every right to ignore every phone call that she ever receives from me, starting now. She is my rock, and although I am a clone of my father, there are times that I cant help but want mama. Luckily, it isn't just my mother who has to deal with my (insert any synonym of crazy here) ness. I was talking to my best friend Tiana last night about how much I feel is going on, and how unqualified I feel to handle it. She then mentioned the fact she felt the exact same way. We wondered for a moment if something was legitimately wrong with us. Lately, I have been reminded and revealed of how in need of a Savior, wretched, crooked and messed up I really am apart from the loving Father. I began to explain how everything from listening to "My Little Girl" by Tim McGraw to watching some dumb little video of a little cat putting his face in a vacuum cleaner, made me want to cry.
I am a verbal analyzer. 99% of the time, I don't quite know how I feel until I begin to explain it- then, it all comes to me. Anyways, as I went on about how absolutely inadequate and overwhelmed I felt, the Lord allowed me to realize something. I need this. As busy as I have been (compared to usual), I have never clung tighter to the Lord. From keeping my face in scripture, to crying out to Him in worship, to bawling my eyes out on my bed in light of His underserved mercy and grace, I need this. Essentially, I want this. As difficult as it may be to deal with all of the overwhelming realities, Him allowing me to see me for what I really am, and to see Him for who He really is, is answered prayer. He is awaking my soul, renewing my mind, and allowing me to reach out and experience His character to the full. The gospel in itself is devastating. It will wreck you if you let it, and let it. Please.
All in all, if you are ever in a situation or season where you find yourself in need of a comfort, healing or restoration that is not of this world, get down to the root of that and find it in Him. He is the only one who can fully and wholly satisfy in times like these. If a difficult season is what it takes for us to draw a little closer to Him, embrace that. He loves it, He really does. He wants you, He wants to show you His love and His grace. Not in a condemning way, but a soft, inviting, appealing, warm and necessary way. Allow yourself to break, come to grips with where you're at and seek the Savior whom will piece by piece, mend you into a better version of the person you were before you broke. Trust Him, seek Him, hold Him tightly, and allow Him to fight the feelings for you. He already has.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
A Scary Confession
As I sit at my new little desk placed purposefully in front of one of the brightest windows in my room, I am taken back by what I just caught myself do. After listening to an amazing sermon on vanity straight from the book of Ecclesiastes, I opened up my bible and found myself in a panic. I could not find a highlighter! All I had was the .01 thickness fine line marker. No pink, yellow or green highlighter, no thick colored sharpie, just something that would be unnoticeable by anyone other than me if I were to make any markings in my bible. I underlined something quickly, and immediately closed it. Why was this a problem? Why did I desire something so bold, in order that those around me would be able to notice those markings in my bible the next time I opened it?
Sometimes we can get so caught up in looking like the perfect type of Christian, when we need to realize that it has nothing to do with anything on the outside, but absolutely everything on the inside. I was listening to a tape the other day, and the man mentioned finding a man whose bible looks tattered, worn or used. That moment, I thought to myself. "Is my bible tattered enough? Does my bible look used enough if people were to see?" I remember stressing out, thinking of how much I would hate to be judged as a person, according to what my bible looks like. I'll never forget a few years ago, a situation with a young man who I truly admired simply because of his genuine and intimate walk with the Lord. This was near the beginning stages of mine, so I was at a point where I wanted to know how to LOOK like a "real" Christian. I was sitting near him, when he took out his bible and to my surprise, it looked brand spankin' new. I was confused! I didn't understand how a Christian so dedicated, so "good", could have no highlighting marks, no pen marks, no wrinkled pages, I was taken back and had to ask him. "Why don't you highlight or write in your book? Is it new?" He graciously explained how to him, that Word was precious. He found no need to mark it up or make it look any certain way. He would rather write those verses and stories on his heart.
This morning, I think of that very little and quick conversation, as well as my thought process this morning. We cannot get so caught up in what we look like to other people. What our bibles look like, how many prayer journals we have gone through, what pastors or leaders we've gone to lunch with, all of these things are great, however when our identity gets wrapped up in them- this is where it becomes a problem. I cannot get wrapped up in what the pages of God's Word look like to those around me when we're sitting in church. I cannot pray and hope that I'm not judged if we so happen to open up to the book of Numbers, where Lord knows the pages in that book are probably still stuck together! On the same token, I cannot be one to judge when someone else's bible doesn't look as worn as I think it should. In all honesty, after talking to the guy who had no markings on his bible, that took absolutely nothing away from the fact that he was one of the brightest shining lights for the Kingdom.
We need to generate a mindset of realness. With ourselves, as well as with others. Don't simply desire to look like a "real" or "good" Christian on the outside, when it's the inside that needs work. You will wear yourself out, and you will be left with dissatisfaction and emptiness. Tattered, highlighted or worn out bibles are by no means a bad thing. No one bit at all, but if it becomes something you are conscious of- especially in the presence of others, that is where it gets dangerous. So if you're anything like me and you see this to be a struggle, challenge yourself and realize that it's time to get a new bible. An untouched, unmarked bible. We need to discipline ourselves to take our mind off of what the inside of our bibles look like, and begin directing our focus towards what the inside of WE look like.
Sometimes we can get so caught up in looking like the perfect type of Christian, when we need to realize that it has nothing to do with anything on the outside, but absolutely everything on the inside. I was listening to a tape the other day, and the man mentioned finding a man whose bible looks tattered, worn or used. That moment, I thought to myself. "Is my bible tattered enough? Does my bible look used enough if people were to see?" I remember stressing out, thinking of how much I would hate to be judged as a person, according to what my bible looks like. I'll never forget a few years ago, a situation with a young man who I truly admired simply because of his genuine and intimate walk with the Lord. This was near the beginning stages of mine, so I was at a point where I wanted to know how to LOOK like a "real" Christian. I was sitting near him, when he took out his bible and to my surprise, it looked brand spankin' new. I was confused! I didn't understand how a Christian so dedicated, so "good", could have no highlighting marks, no pen marks, no wrinkled pages, I was taken back and had to ask him. "Why don't you highlight or write in your book? Is it new?" He graciously explained how to him, that Word was precious. He found no need to mark it up or make it look any certain way. He would rather write those verses and stories on his heart.
This morning, I think of that very little and quick conversation, as well as my thought process this morning. We cannot get so caught up in what we look like to other people. What our bibles look like, how many prayer journals we have gone through, what pastors or leaders we've gone to lunch with, all of these things are great, however when our identity gets wrapped up in them- this is where it becomes a problem. I cannot get wrapped up in what the pages of God's Word look like to those around me when we're sitting in church. I cannot pray and hope that I'm not judged if we so happen to open up to the book of Numbers, where Lord knows the pages in that book are probably still stuck together! On the same token, I cannot be one to judge when someone else's bible doesn't look as worn as I think it should. In all honesty, after talking to the guy who had no markings on his bible, that took absolutely nothing away from the fact that he was one of the brightest shining lights for the Kingdom.
We need to generate a mindset of realness. With ourselves, as well as with others. Don't simply desire to look like a "real" or "good" Christian on the outside, when it's the inside that needs work. You will wear yourself out, and you will be left with dissatisfaction and emptiness. Tattered, highlighted or worn out bibles are by no means a bad thing. No one bit at all, but if it becomes something you are conscious of- especially in the presence of others, that is where it gets dangerous. So if you're anything like me and you see this to be a struggle, challenge yourself and realize that it's time to get a new bible. An untouched, unmarked bible. We need to discipline ourselves to take our mind off of what the inside of our bibles look like, and begin directing our focus towards what the inside of WE look like.
Friday, May 30, 2014
His Little Whispers
As this Summer rolls in and the days pass, (as incredibly thrilled as that makes me) I feel cornered more and more by the craziness of all things around me- simply by change in particular. It's so difficult sometimes to really grasp all that is happening at once, most of the time because we are not meant to. I can literally generate a small knot in my stomach by the simple thought of relaxation. All that there is to prepare for and all that there is to do, are ideas that consistently run through my mind. The Lord, being the gracious and sweet God that He is, will rarely make a scene. Sometimes we will hear Him whispering to us- so kindly and patiently, however we choose to ignore it. It usually takes discipline for us to put our flesh to rest, and to heed to the voice of the Holy Spirit. To rest in Him is something that He desires so much for us. He cant force us to trust Him, to lay everything at His feet and put full faith in Him that He will give us the grace, strength and courage we need for each day. What He will do is remind us- through His word and through His sweet whispers, to take a breather, rest in Him and to enjoy the simple little mercies He provides for us each and every day. Today, my "cloud 9" was the sound of one thousand beautiful bird songs, some vitamin D and these stunning pink roses that I spent some much needed time shooting. I hope you can live vicariously through these photos and enjoy them as much as I did today!
Friday, May 23, 2014
How Much Longer?
I used to be the person who was able to sleep until noon- no problem. Over the past year and most especially in the last several months, I cannot seem to sleep in past 7:30 or 8:00. I can't say I'm hating it! That being said, I woke up this morning around 7:30 for good. So I grabbed my computer, a cup of coffee to get my brain started, and began typing! As a result, here is something that's been on my heart for a little while.
Lately, I've been in conversation with young women whose sole desire is to be married. It's their goal, their heart, their focus and one desire. I begin to feel as though they believe that every problem will simply vanish the moment they say "I do." I wish I couldn't relate to this, but for an amount of time, I could totally wrap my head around this. Having four sisters is seriously a dream! It's like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants on steroids. Meeting all different types of "significant others" along the way was not my favorite, (my family says I'm the cruelest judge) but eventually they all lucked out. One thing that I was not expecting was for 3 out of 4 of them to be married (or right around the corner from it) at such a young age. Over time, I've simply realized that age matters very little when it comes to that special covenant with the Lord.
I was talking with my sister a couple days ago, when she brought up a traumatizing statistic. "There is a 60% divorce rate at Wheaton College" she said. I could not believe my ears. A very nice, small, Christian college had that high of a divorce rate? Reasons why began flooding my mind, but the one that stuck out the most was pressure. The pressure to be this perfect little desirable young lady who feels pressure to find a boyfriend who then feels pressure to make HIM feel pressured to feel pressured to propose, obviously there is pressure to get married, pressure to STAY perfect, with which comes the pressure to make it work- and it doesn't. Why are we so wrapped up in those around us?! Do we want to be a statistic or do we want a thriving, strong, unique relationship that stands as an example for those couples around us? It may take some more time, it may not. Either way, why must we be in a rush?
I was talking to my dad a few months ago. He asked me how I was feeling about everything regarding my younger sister who is about to be getting married. I don't think he was really prepared for my answer, but it started with "totally fine, I'm so happy for them" and somehow ended with "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?" I couldn't understand why everything around me was happening so fast with marriages, proposals, dating, there was this subconscious pressure that I felt. Is something wrong with me? Do I need to find someone and get married? What if I don't? Will I have to settle? Thankfully, shortly after my conversation with him, that pressure began to fade away. He told me to enjoy this time, to take things slow! He told me that this time is precious and that all I needed to do was focus on myself and the Lord, and He would take care of the rest. Hearing this- it was a breath of fresh air.
This world puts so much pressure on us in way too many areas. What to wear, what to eat, how to talk, what to buy, when to get married, when to have sex- we can't buy into it anymore. We as individuals have too much to learn! We need to be taking this time to prepare for marriage while living the life that the Lord has set out for us. We can't sit around anymore waiting for our perfect spouse to come and rescue us- our lives are too precious. The idea that marriage solves everything and our lives begin after we walk down the aisle is a lie that satan has fed young people for too long. Before handpicking the perfect soulmate on your own, let the Lord do it for you. It will be so much more rewarding and simply easy! That's how it should be! It shouldn't consume your life, it should be enjoyable, natural and God glorifying. Slow and steady wins the race, and I believe this wholeheartedly. Don't be in such a rush because of whatever idea that you have about marriage. Marriage is simply a word. It's the work behind it that makes it such a beautiful thing.
So hold your horses, get to know who you are as a person before you decide to throw yourself into someone else's arms. Know your buttons, the things you need to work on, know your weaknesses, and grow your intimacy with the Lord! When two individuals are running towards the cross, it is inevitable that you will end up running along side of each other, both headed towards Christ. That is how you want it to happen! Take this time to prepare! Become the man or woman that the Lord has created you to be. He knows the desires of your heart, and will indeed fulfill those. So take your time, because the end result will by FAR exceed the wait.
Monday, April 28, 2014
The Power of Prayer
As I sit here quietly, looking out at the rainy and windy weather with my plastic cup of coffee purchased at a gas station, I can't help but think about all of last week and the few things that stuck out to me and sort of sum it up. Something along the lines of fear, hurt and distrust. It sounds a little dramatic, but for some reason I can't help but be honest with myself and say that those words are the best words to describe how I've felt.
Moving to Dallas is an opportunity for me around this upcoming September. My parents, two younger siblings and a couple other siblings are packing up and heading there this Summer with much to look forward to. However, as thrilled as I am for them, I cannot say that I am in the same position. I don't have something super exciting waiting for me. I haven't felt a push from the Lord yet to go nor stay, and I've let satan make me feel as though everything wonderful was happening to my parents, brothers and sisters and somehow the Lord was forgetting about me. Nothing happening, nothing too exciting, a lot of potentials, but nothing set in stone. I've felt confused, forgotten and hurt. Change is something I've always sort of disliked. Highly. It's scary to have no idea what is next. Not knowing what's happening with this situation over here, that situation over there, nothing really concrete going on, it's terrifying. I was frightened and sort of felt like I was put on the back burner, along with all of the crazy feels of change. It didn't feel good- to say the least.
Do you ever have one of those days, or even weeks where you just cannot understand how or why you are so emotional? I consider myself a pretty sensitive person. Emotional? Not so much. If anything, I can't stand when people see me cry! However for some reason, I just couldn't seem to push that little ball of tears back down my throat. It was just everything... coming home, making some tea and tearing up at the table, or waking up and having a quiet time that continually seemed to end with my face in my hands, or watching Parenthood by myself and seriously bawling towards the television! It wasn't until yesterday morning when I began trying to figure out what these (not very good) feelings were, and where they were coming from. I went to church, and during the entire worship portion of the service, I couldn't even open my mouth to sing without crying. I felt it in my spirit, but couldn't utter the words towards the Lord. That's when I began to realize where I was at, and how badly I needed prayer. Sometimes we're able to completely explain to God what is going on with us. Other times, you can't even move your lips to explain why you feel the way you do- if you even understand yourself.
The words "You will never leave me" or "You are right by my side" were lyrics that I just couldn't find the strength to sing. Why? Because I didn't FEEL them. Those words and lyrics of truth were just so hard to even think of, given the fact that I felt so forgotten. I couldn't find it in me to sing and to pray, telling the Lord what I felt or wanted. Thats when I asked my sister if she would pray for me before her and her boyfriend left my house last night.
Before they left, we sat on my bed and sort of offered up our prayer requests. I listened to what was going on in her life, her fears and her excitements, setbacks and worries. I listened to her boyfriend Matthew as he discussed the different anxieties going on in his life and the fearful thoughts running through his mind, and as it came to be my turn, they listened. I didn't tell them what to pray for, because honestly- I had not a clue. I simply expressed my hurts and fears with them. What I felt in my heart and what I thought in my mind. And as I sat there discouraged and in hurtful tears, they graciously and encouragingly lifted me up. Not with opinions but with truths. They reminded me of the things that I knew in my heart to be true about how much the Lord has in store for my life, and the amazing thoughts He has towards me. That He hasn't forgotten me one bit. Before we even bowed our heads, the love I felt inside and the truths that I had neglected for some time was re-instilled in my mind and my heart. It was beautiful.
Something happened while praying for each other. A certain strength, peace and love was flowing within us. Throughout all of the anxieties, fears and hurts, the Lord is so, so good. He is with us, and working through us in this time of vulnerability and confusion. The power of prayer gave me the strength to move forward with a better mindset and attitude for this week. Granted, there are certain fears that I am going to have to continuously work through. It'll be a journey of growth and learning, but I'm willing and excited. I'm excited to trust, to learn and to grow more intimate with Him. I'm ready to let go of the things that I feel, and replace them with the truth inside of the Word that I know in my heart, and I'm thankful that I have loving people who may remind me of that in the mean time.
Moving to Dallas is an opportunity for me around this upcoming September. My parents, two younger siblings and a couple other siblings are packing up and heading there this Summer with much to look forward to. However, as thrilled as I am for them, I cannot say that I am in the same position. I don't have something super exciting waiting for me. I haven't felt a push from the Lord yet to go nor stay, and I've let satan make me feel as though everything wonderful was happening to my parents, brothers and sisters and somehow the Lord was forgetting about me. Nothing happening, nothing too exciting, a lot of potentials, but nothing set in stone. I've felt confused, forgotten and hurt. Change is something I've always sort of disliked. Highly. It's scary to have no idea what is next. Not knowing what's happening with this situation over here, that situation over there, nothing really concrete going on, it's terrifying. I was frightened and sort of felt like I was put on the back burner, along with all of the crazy feels of change. It didn't feel good- to say the least.
Do you ever have one of those days, or even weeks where you just cannot understand how or why you are so emotional? I consider myself a pretty sensitive person. Emotional? Not so much. If anything, I can't stand when people see me cry! However for some reason, I just couldn't seem to push that little ball of tears back down my throat. It was just everything... coming home, making some tea and tearing up at the table, or waking up and having a quiet time that continually seemed to end with my face in my hands, or watching Parenthood by myself and seriously bawling towards the television! It wasn't until yesterday morning when I began trying to figure out what these (not very good) feelings were, and where they were coming from. I went to church, and during the entire worship portion of the service, I couldn't even open my mouth to sing without crying. I felt it in my spirit, but couldn't utter the words towards the Lord. That's when I began to realize where I was at, and how badly I needed prayer. Sometimes we're able to completely explain to God what is going on with us. Other times, you can't even move your lips to explain why you feel the way you do- if you even understand yourself.
The words "You will never leave me" or "You are right by my side" were lyrics that I just couldn't find the strength to sing. Why? Because I didn't FEEL them. Those words and lyrics of truth were just so hard to even think of, given the fact that I felt so forgotten. I couldn't find it in me to sing and to pray, telling the Lord what I felt or wanted. Thats when I asked my sister if she would pray for me before her and her boyfriend left my house last night.
Before they left, we sat on my bed and sort of offered up our prayer requests. I listened to what was going on in her life, her fears and her excitements, setbacks and worries. I listened to her boyfriend Matthew as he discussed the different anxieties going on in his life and the fearful thoughts running through his mind, and as it came to be my turn, they listened. I didn't tell them what to pray for, because honestly- I had not a clue. I simply expressed my hurts and fears with them. What I felt in my heart and what I thought in my mind. And as I sat there discouraged and in hurtful tears, they graciously and encouragingly lifted me up. Not with opinions but with truths. They reminded me of the things that I knew in my heart to be true about how much the Lord has in store for my life, and the amazing thoughts He has towards me. That He hasn't forgotten me one bit. Before we even bowed our heads, the love I felt inside and the truths that I had neglected for some time was re-instilled in my mind and my heart. It was beautiful.
Something happened while praying for each other. A certain strength, peace and love was flowing within us. Throughout all of the anxieties, fears and hurts, the Lord is so, so good. He is with us, and working through us in this time of vulnerability and confusion. The power of prayer gave me the strength to move forward with a better mindset and attitude for this week. Granted, there are certain fears that I am going to have to continuously work through. It'll be a journey of growth and learning, but I'm willing and excited. I'm excited to trust, to learn and to grow more intimate with Him. I'm ready to let go of the things that I feel, and replace them with the truth inside of the Word that I know in my heart, and I'm thankful that I have loving people who may remind me of that in the mean time.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Keep Pushing
It happens to everyone. There comes a point where our work, school responsibilities and relationships catch up with us, and we become so bogged down by it all. Our priorities lose order, we quit praying, our bibles become dusty and for some reason we know what to do, but nothing changes.
It can be very difficult sometimes to push through, or to find the strength to do so. We get caught up in our own self-pity and remain stuck until it literally becomes so draining and heavy that we have no idea how we got there, and what to do to get out of it. This mindset of passiveness is very dangerous. We begin to seek other things instead of seeking the Lord, and we start running away from the healthy and beneficial things that we need, which will ultimately bring us peace, strength and joy.
There are a few ways that the Lord helps us to push through. Putting these things to action can be the hard part, but I promise you- it's Satan drilling that feeling into your mind. All we have to do is take one step forward, and we'll see it wasn't so bad after all. We don't have to do it on our own! The Lord is doing it for us, and all we have to do is trust Him.
1. Accountability
Surround yourself with people who will encourage you and lovingly call you out when you begin going through the motions or coasting. There's something so freeing, strengthening and encouraging about sharing our burdens with people that we can confide in, pray with or simply vent to. Whatever it may be, those people in your life are to cherish. Allow yourself to become vulnerable, and use those prayer warriors and encouragers to walk with you through times like those. The Lord has them in your life for a reason and it's so beautiful to see what can grow from transparency.
2. Taking Every Though Captive
It's so easy to allow ourselves to become a victim during these trying times. Our perspectives can become so easily changed by simply a verse, an encouraging word, or even the literal act of intentionally taking a negative though or feeling and turning it around, making it pleasing to you and the Lord. Don't let Satan fill your mind with all of these discouraging and helpless thoughts. We have the mind of Christ, and we can do all things through Him.
3. He Sees You
One of the most common feelings is that we are doing it alone! We are totally not, and its so difficult to see that when we are in the middle of it all. We so often forget the blessings that the await us on the other side of these funks. God is right with us, holding our hands and acknowledging every step that we take, either forward or backwards. The best part is, is that He isn't condemning us! He is encouraging us, helping us and loving us through every little moment. Weather we are going strong or we are in these terrible ruts in our lives, He never leaves nor forsakes us. He sees our hurts, cares and hard work and cares for them so deeply.
The next time you are sinking in quick sand and feel as though you are helpless, remember these truths. You may be going through one of those times right now! Whatever and whenever it may be, recognize and remember these 3 simple things, and our journey to growing closer to Christ and moving forward as a stronger and bolder believer will begin. You can do it!
It can be very difficult sometimes to push through, or to find the strength to do so. We get caught up in our own self-pity and remain stuck until it literally becomes so draining and heavy that we have no idea how we got there, and what to do to get out of it. This mindset of passiveness is very dangerous. We begin to seek other things instead of seeking the Lord, and we start running away from the healthy and beneficial things that we need, which will ultimately bring us peace, strength and joy.
There are a few ways that the Lord helps us to push through. Putting these things to action can be the hard part, but I promise you- it's Satan drilling that feeling into your mind. All we have to do is take one step forward, and we'll see it wasn't so bad after all. We don't have to do it on our own! The Lord is doing it for us, and all we have to do is trust Him.
1. Accountability
Surround yourself with people who will encourage you and lovingly call you out when you begin going through the motions or coasting. There's something so freeing, strengthening and encouraging about sharing our burdens with people that we can confide in, pray with or simply vent to. Whatever it may be, those people in your life are to cherish. Allow yourself to become vulnerable, and use those prayer warriors and encouragers to walk with you through times like those. The Lord has them in your life for a reason and it's so beautiful to see what can grow from transparency.
2. Taking Every Though Captive
It's so easy to allow ourselves to become a victim during these trying times. Our perspectives can become so easily changed by simply a verse, an encouraging word, or even the literal act of intentionally taking a negative though or feeling and turning it around, making it pleasing to you and the Lord. Don't let Satan fill your mind with all of these discouraging and helpless thoughts. We have the mind of Christ, and we can do all things through Him.
3. He Sees You
One of the most common feelings is that we are doing it alone! We are totally not, and its so difficult to see that when we are in the middle of it all. We so often forget the blessings that the await us on the other side of these funks. God is right with us, holding our hands and acknowledging every step that we take, either forward or backwards. The best part is, is that He isn't condemning us! He is encouraging us, helping us and loving us through every little moment. Weather we are going strong or we are in these terrible ruts in our lives, He never leaves nor forsakes us. He sees our hurts, cares and hard work and cares for them so deeply.
The next time you are sinking in quick sand and feel as though you are helpless, remember these truths. You may be going through one of those times right now! Whatever and whenever it may be, recognize and remember these 3 simple things, and our journey to growing closer to Christ and moving forward as a stronger and bolder believer will begin. You can do it!
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Give it to Him
"Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power." Ephesians 6:10
Where to BEGIN!? I almost have no idea. However, I do know that this morning was a big one. A morning of freedom, realization, pain and excitement! A lot of feels for one morning, but believe it. When I was in High School, I was in my parent's room and my dad told me to stand on the very edge of this floral rug that they had on the ground in front of their television. As I stood there confused, he told me to then lean far in front of me while keeping my feet on the edge. As far as I could go without letting myself fall. He then proceeded to tell me that that was where I was. That I am on the edge of something amazing! I'm so close to being in a good state, a peaceful and powerful place in my relationship with the Lord, but something is holding me back and I'm letting it. That's exactly how I've felt in these past several months.
Have you ever held onto something that you feel the Holy Spirit telling you to let go of? Are you currently rather? Bitterness towards a sister, a lingering relationship with a significant other, hurt from a friend doing you wrong, fear of something that should be in the Lord's hands? Whatever it is, I'm with you. For a long time, I've felt like I could't fully and 100% give every ounce of me to the Lord. And I had no idea what it was! I seriously would wake up and not have peace, and not understand as to why I couldn't just sit and rest in the presence of God without going back and seeing if there is any sin that hash't been dealt with, or trying to figure out where I let satan get a foothold. I got tired of it- and did nothing about it. Needless to say, fear took over. I wanted so desperately to just give EVERYTHING of myself to the Lord, but the Holy Spirit was telling me to let go of something, and slowly but surely after shoving that particular thing to the back of my mind in hopes that our God would potentially you know- just forget about it like I wanted to, after intentionally becoming so distant from that very thing that I had to pray and ask the Lord what it was, fully knowing the answer however not wanting to accept it, after such a long time without full satisfaction, I allowed myself to realize. And BOY was it difficult. I kept thinking "what if I let this go and You don't replace the pain with something else?" In other words, "What if I have to hurt?"
For some reason, this very question, "what if I have to hurt" kept me from peace, joy, fulfillment and freedom for quite some time. We are so afraid of hurt, when this is the very thing the Lord tries to prepare us for in His word. We will experience pain, for His glory alone! My fear and distrust in the Lord led me to hold on to these things things and these feelings that the Lord wanted to replace for such a long time! I felt Him daily trying to reassure me and push me towards letting it go, but I didn't have the strength on my own. And it was this morning I realized that without Him, I cannot do one darn thing. Without Him, I have not only a little bit of strength, but no strength at all. He asked of me something, and I was right. I couldn't do it on my own even if I was willing! But He didn't ask me so He could see if I would be able to do it by myself, He asked me because He knew what I was missing out on, He wanted better for me emotionally and spiritually, and it was going to be ALL HIM. All I had to do was let Him. Don't get me wrong, we're going to have to do some work too. With the strength that He provides in us, His mind, His power and heart, we are going to have to actively trust, allow do what He is asking of us. But by His power alone will we do it.
I wanted peace. For months, I went back to everything I knew in the bible about trusting God and Him comforting me and all of the "feel good" chapters like Psalms, Corinthians, Ephesians & John. For the longest time I meditated on those genre of verses just to ignite the Lord's strength inside of me to be able to come to terms with the very thing I had not wanted to. I was scared, I didn't want to let go of what He so badly wanted me to, and I was giving power to the evil one who wanted me to hold on for as long as possible, only to get further and further from where the Lord had me going. That is always his goal. Always.With all of that being said, this morning I took the active step towards letting. it. go. And I finally did! No, I'm not 5 months in, I don't have all of the answers when it comes to what happens afterwards. However, I'm guessing that along with a tiny bit of hurt, or even a lot of hurt, I will experience what the Lord has been waiting to give me for such a long time. I will rest in peace in His presence, I will begin to see the small things again and appreciate them with every ounce of being in me. I will be able to give myself the opportunity to TRUST and to desire, and know that the Lord has my perfect plan in mind. I can focus on Him completely, awaiting the next trial that He has for me. This one was so not fun. Seriously, when are they? But I know that I have hit a strength level that I never knew I would be able to reach. I have a new passion and desire to strive to look like Him in everything I do, knowing I will come short and ready to accept His grace that is brand new every single morning. I want what He has, not what He has and a little bit of what I want, but all that He has for me- hurt, pain, trials and all. It so worth it.
All in all, please. I beg of you- begin actively taking steps towards letting go of what you feel the Spirit inside of you is telling you to let go of. Weather you know the reasoning or not, allow Him to show you so you can trust Him that much more! If He always told us why, we would have no story! No reason to trust Him! Let Him help you. He is holding your hand and telling you that you can do it. I promise you that you can. So please, for the sake of you and more importantly Him, hand it up to Him, and the peace that surpasses your understanding will guard your heart and your mind through Him. He promises it!
x
Where to BEGIN!? I almost have no idea. However, I do know that this morning was a big one. A morning of freedom, realization, pain and excitement! A lot of feels for one morning, but believe it. When I was in High School, I was in my parent's room and my dad told me to stand on the very edge of this floral rug that they had on the ground in front of their television. As I stood there confused, he told me to then lean far in front of me while keeping my feet on the edge. As far as I could go without letting myself fall. He then proceeded to tell me that that was where I was. That I am on the edge of something amazing! I'm so close to being in a good state, a peaceful and powerful place in my relationship with the Lord, but something is holding me back and I'm letting it. That's exactly how I've felt in these past several months.
Have you ever held onto something that you feel the Holy Spirit telling you to let go of? Are you currently rather? Bitterness towards a sister, a lingering relationship with a significant other, hurt from a friend doing you wrong, fear of something that should be in the Lord's hands? Whatever it is, I'm with you. For a long time, I've felt like I could't fully and 100% give every ounce of me to the Lord. And I had no idea what it was! I seriously would wake up and not have peace, and not understand as to why I couldn't just sit and rest in the presence of God without going back and seeing if there is any sin that hash't been dealt with, or trying to figure out where I let satan get a foothold. I got tired of it- and did nothing about it. Needless to say, fear took over. I wanted so desperately to just give EVERYTHING of myself to the Lord, but the Holy Spirit was telling me to let go of something, and slowly but surely after shoving that particular thing to the back of my mind in hopes that our God would potentially you know- just forget about it like I wanted to, after intentionally becoming so distant from that very thing that I had to pray and ask the Lord what it was, fully knowing the answer however not wanting to accept it, after such a long time without full satisfaction, I allowed myself to realize. And BOY was it difficult. I kept thinking "what if I let this go and You don't replace the pain with something else?" In other words, "What if I have to hurt?"
For some reason, this very question, "what if I have to hurt" kept me from peace, joy, fulfillment and freedom for quite some time. We are so afraid of hurt, when this is the very thing the Lord tries to prepare us for in His word. We will experience pain, for His glory alone! My fear and distrust in the Lord led me to hold on to these things things and these feelings that the Lord wanted to replace for such a long time! I felt Him daily trying to reassure me and push me towards letting it go, but I didn't have the strength on my own. And it was this morning I realized that without Him, I cannot do one darn thing. Without Him, I have not only a little bit of strength, but no strength at all. He asked of me something, and I was right. I couldn't do it on my own even if I was willing! But He didn't ask me so He could see if I would be able to do it by myself, He asked me because He knew what I was missing out on, He wanted better for me emotionally and spiritually, and it was going to be ALL HIM. All I had to do was let Him. Don't get me wrong, we're going to have to do some work too. With the strength that He provides in us, His mind, His power and heart, we are going to have to actively trust, allow do what He is asking of us. But by His power alone will we do it.
I wanted peace. For months, I went back to everything I knew in the bible about trusting God and Him comforting me and all of the "feel good" chapters like Psalms, Corinthians, Ephesians & John. For the longest time I meditated on those genre of verses just to ignite the Lord's strength inside of me to be able to come to terms with the very thing I had not wanted to. I was scared, I didn't want to let go of what He so badly wanted me to, and I was giving power to the evil one who wanted me to hold on for as long as possible, only to get further and further from where the Lord had me going. That is always his goal. Always.With all of that being said, this morning I took the active step towards letting. it. go. And I finally did! No, I'm not 5 months in, I don't have all of the answers when it comes to what happens afterwards. However, I'm guessing that along with a tiny bit of hurt, or even a lot of hurt, I will experience what the Lord has been waiting to give me for such a long time. I will rest in peace in His presence, I will begin to see the small things again and appreciate them with every ounce of being in me. I will be able to give myself the opportunity to TRUST and to desire, and know that the Lord has my perfect plan in mind. I can focus on Him completely, awaiting the next trial that He has for me. This one was so not fun. Seriously, when are they? But I know that I have hit a strength level that I never knew I would be able to reach. I have a new passion and desire to strive to look like Him in everything I do, knowing I will come short and ready to accept His grace that is brand new every single morning. I want what He has, not what He has and a little bit of what I want, but all that He has for me- hurt, pain, trials and all. It so worth it.
All in all, please. I beg of you- begin actively taking steps towards letting go of what you feel the Spirit inside of you is telling you to let go of. Weather you know the reasoning or not, allow Him to show you so you can trust Him that much more! If He always told us why, we would have no story! No reason to trust Him! Let Him help you. He is holding your hand and telling you that you can do it. I promise you that you can. So please, for the sake of you and more importantly Him, hand it up to Him, and the peace that surpasses your understanding will guard your heart and your mind through Him. He promises it!
x
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Who Are You?
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” 2 Corinthians 5:17
As last year came to a close, I thought long and hard about this very day. The beginning of a new year. The things I want to improve on, projects I need to begin, certain things I need to close the door on, millions of so called "resolutions" floating in my mind. However, one really stood out and seemed to sort of trump all of my other aspirations and wants for this year of 2014.
I remember the day I realized that in this life, it has absolutely nothing to do with what you look on the outside, but who you are on the inside. A very simple lesson for some, but to me this was mind blowing. I had to work on my character? My morals? My attitude, mindset and heart? I kind of hated this new revelation. Fast forward almost 3 years, and to this day, it is what's most constantly on mind. Who am I? What kind of woman do I want to be seen as? When people talk about me, what would I want them to say? Am I the best I can be? How do I come across as a person, better yet- how well am I representing the Lord?
If people are not drawn to me because of the Lord and how on fire I am for Him, it's either one of two things. Either they are not paying attention to me enough to notice, or I need to check myself and re-evaluate what I bring to the table. It's so important to really think about and discover who you are, and better yet who you really want to be. I think that's one of the most difficult things to do in this life. However, it is so necessary and so worth it. Going into this New Year, my relationship with the Lord needs to stand on a much higher pedestal. I need to evaluate and eliminate any actions, habits or lack there of that do not glorify Him, or push me towards the young woman I was created to be. Words like discipline, patience and trust really need to come into play. Not just as words, but as actions, as conscious efforts. The more I focus on these things, everything else will fall into place.
Weather it be going to the Word before you go to people, speaking nonsense instead of letting the Lord guide your conversation, tapping more into the Holy Spirit and being courageous enough to step into a deeper and newer understanding of things you have shied away from in the bible, beginning every day with the Word of God, or with prayer, whatever it may be. To begin this year, take a minute to really think about who you are and where you're at, compared to where and who you want to be- the person that the Lord has called you to be, because it is so much more. Take those steps towards working on whatever it is that does not reflect Him in the most glorifying manor. When people talk to me, when people look at me, when people are around me, I want them to see one thing and one thing only- and that is Him. We are solely here for Him, and once we begin down that road of trying to understand that more and more, we will become better examples and really experience the blessing of being who the Lord has created us to be.
Going into this New Year, take it one step at a time. With Him and for Him, little by little, lets become those people.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
A Shrinking Circle
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24
Lately, I've been in this sort of deep thinking daze. To the point where it's actually a struggle having to constantly remind myself to be present in a busy and "people filled" setting. It's been a wonderful blessing being able to come home to Minnesota and get away from the usual city of Chicago, photography/art projects and work schedule. Plus, its always a bonus not having to pay for a lovely cup of coffee every morning. Although I'm trying to cut back, because I whole-heartedly believe I've become an extreme addict. Anyways, within the last couple of months I've been blessed with the opportunity to realize something. That my "circle" is getting smaller.
At first, this was something that was not okay with me. I went from thinking having tons of shallow relationships was the way to go, to being able to count my friends on two fingers. My dad always told me growing up to be careful who I chose to befriend, and the smaller amount of friends I had was probably the better. "You're extremely lucky if you even find one" he always said. Of course I thought to myself, "Well, I must be pretty dang lucky… or maybe just really cool... cause I have all of these wonderful friends!" Then, a few years pass, they change, I change, and not one of those people do who I talk to, or even know. I continue evaluating the few relationships that I have now, and am amazed at how right the wise people that had counseled me over the years were.
Sometimes you find yourself working so hard to make certain relationships work, when sometimes like my mother told me a couple days ago, "The best thing you can do is give the gift of goodbye". You may be heading in a different direction, down a different path, and you can't let the desire for the comfit of a big circle hold you back. We find ourself combative, fighting for these friendships that have run their course. We think, "Wait, I don't have that big of a circle, what weddings will I be invited to? What fun little get togethers am I going to be apart of if I only have one or two ACTUAL friends?" Or maybe that's just my crazy thought process. Either way, this is a problem. This world is so persistent on throwing at us the message of how important it is to have your group of gossip girls, fun little cocktail nights spent talking about this and that & him and her. And honestly sometimes a big group of friends is not promoted as a bad thing, nor am I saying it is one bit! What I am saying is that finding our security in a "big circle" and not being able to realize that letting go of certain relationships that are unhealthy, or whose season may be over, is an issue that may need some tending to.
I've come to the realization that my circle is small, and will continue getting smaller the more that I step into the young woman that the Lord is calling me to be. Very few people are headed down the course that He has mapped out for us. It is a very narrow road, a very specific calling that each and every one of us are capable of receiving. However, very very few are going to take it. When you choose to live your life in a certain manor that will look very different from those around you, when you walk very close to Him and remain in His will, you're going to lose people. It's just going to happen. People will not always understand, and when you are blessed in this life or the next, maybe they will. However, maybe they wont. And that's okay! It's not an easy path all of the time, but it is absolutely a rewarding one. He WANTS to bless us, and although it looks like such a narrow and difficult road to continue down, there is no better one out there. If your circle is getting smaller and a little bit of fear and insecurity comes with that, embrace it! Keep it up. You will be blessed and you should be proud. If your circle needs to become smaller, let it be. Make those tough decisions and have those difficult conversations. The closer you get to the top, the further you climb up the latter, the less you can take along with you.
It is going to be lonely sometimes, it may even be lonely for seasons at a time. He sees it, He understands and He is constantly with us, encouraging us and just WAITING to bless us immensely. So don't be afraid of small circles, don't be afraid of being hungry for deeper relationship and intimacy with the Lord. You have the tools to make it happen, and He will be right there with you through the tough, difficult, fearful and lonely times so you may be able to experience the abundant life that He has for you, and that only few get to experience. So keep it up, and push on. Embrace your tiny circle, and if need be, eliminate to create one.
Lately, I've been in this sort of deep thinking daze. To the point where it's actually a struggle having to constantly remind myself to be present in a busy and "people filled" setting. It's been a wonderful blessing being able to come home to Minnesota and get away from the usual city of Chicago, photography/art projects and work schedule. Plus, its always a bonus not having to pay for a lovely cup of coffee every morning. Although I'm trying to cut back, because I whole-heartedly believe I've become an extreme addict. Anyways, within the last couple of months I've been blessed with the opportunity to realize something. That my "circle" is getting smaller.
At first, this was something that was not okay with me. I went from thinking having tons of shallow relationships was the way to go, to being able to count my friends on two fingers. My dad always told me growing up to be careful who I chose to befriend, and the smaller amount of friends I had was probably the better. "You're extremely lucky if you even find one" he always said. Of course I thought to myself, "Well, I must be pretty dang lucky… or maybe just really cool... cause I have all of these wonderful friends!" Then, a few years pass, they change, I change, and not one of those people do who I talk to, or even know. I continue evaluating the few relationships that I have now, and am amazed at how right the wise people that had counseled me over the years were.
Sometimes you find yourself working so hard to make certain relationships work, when sometimes like my mother told me a couple days ago, "The best thing you can do is give the gift of goodbye". You may be heading in a different direction, down a different path, and you can't let the desire for the comfit of a big circle hold you back. We find ourself combative, fighting for these friendships that have run their course. We think, "Wait, I don't have that big of a circle, what weddings will I be invited to? What fun little get togethers am I going to be apart of if I only have one or two ACTUAL friends?" Or maybe that's just my crazy thought process. Either way, this is a problem. This world is so persistent on throwing at us the message of how important it is to have your group of gossip girls, fun little cocktail nights spent talking about this and that & him and her. And honestly sometimes a big group of friends is not promoted as a bad thing, nor am I saying it is one bit! What I am saying is that finding our security in a "big circle" and not being able to realize that letting go of certain relationships that are unhealthy, or whose season may be over, is an issue that may need some tending to.
I've come to the realization that my circle is small, and will continue getting smaller the more that I step into the young woman that the Lord is calling me to be. Very few people are headed down the course that He has mapped out for us. It is a very narrow road, a very specific calling that each and every one of us are capable of receiving. However, very very few are going to take it. When you choose to live your life in a certain manor that will look very different from those around you, when you walk very close to Him and remain in His will, you're going to lose people. It's just going to happen. People will not always understand, and when you are blessed in this life or the next, maybe they will. However, maybe they wont. And that's okay! It's not an easy path all of the time, but it is absolutely a rewarding one. He WANTS to bless us, and although it looks like such a narrow and difficult road to continue down, there is no better one out there. If your circle is getting smaller and a little bit of fear and insecurity comes with that, embrace it! Keep it up. You will be blessed and you should be proud. If your circle needs to become smaller, let it be. Make those tough decisions and have those difficult conversations. The closer you get to the top, the further you climb up the latter, the less you can take along with you.
It is going to be lonely sometimes, it may even be lonely for seasons at a time. He sees it, He understands and He is constantly with us, encouraging us and just WAITING to bless us immensely. So don't be afraid of small circles, don't be afraid of being hungry for deeper relationship and intimacy with the Lord. You have the tools to make it happen, and He will be right there with you through the tough, difficult, fearful and lonely times so you may be able to experience the abundant life that He has for you, and that only few get to experience. So keep it up, and push on. Embrace your tiny circle, and if need be, eliminate to create one.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Strive for Triangle
Strive
for Triangle
The ways of this world
as the bible says is a consistent pattern. It is repeated, mundane, bland and
consistent. Think of a pattern- circle, square, circle, square, circle, square,
triangle, square, circle, square. You caught something. Didn’t you? Did the
word “circle” all of the sudden catch you off guard? No. None of the circles or
squares were significant. It was the triangle that you noticed, and that is
exactly how we are called to live.
Many
times, we can forget whom we represent. It’s unbelievable to me how closely we
are being watched, because of a simple statement like “I am a Christian.” Sadly
there are multiple versions of what that statement really means. However,
fortunately the Lord has laid it out very precisely as to the way that
statement ought to be lived out. Sometimes it becomes easy to forget that our
lives are a representation of something and someone way bigger than us. The way
we respond, the way we respect authority, the way we forgive, honor our
parents, respect our spouses, the list goes on and on. We can become
lackadaisical with our everyday routine in life, and tend to forget that we are
living examples of the Lord. Therefore we need to be more conscious and
intentional of the way that we live.
From
our modesty, to our talk, to our attitudes; every little aspect of life needs
to be filtered through the Word of God. One of the hardest things to do is to
discipline our minds to focus on things above. In the natural, when someone
hurts us, we hurt back. In the natural, when we’re tired, we act lazy. In the
natural, everybody else is doing it; we do it. These are all natural causes and
therefore natural effects. We need to remind ourselves that we are not called
to work in the natural. He is a supernatural God, and that’s where our minds
are to be set. Our minds are not to be set on the ways of this world. We don't
respond as this world responds. We don't talk like this world talks. We rise
above and do not conform to the PATTERNS of this world. He came down to this
earth and set an incredible example for us to go off of.
We
are called to be a light in a dark world, the salt of the earth. When you think
of these terms taken from the Bible, they are all referencing to one main idea.
We are called to stand out, and when we strive to be different according to the
Word, we will begin to look different. The Word will grab ahold of your life
and He will do the transforming from the inside out. We have someone absolutely
incredible to represent. He has saved us from the ultimate consequence of our
sin by sending his one and only son to take our place. His unending mercy and
grace is our driving force that pushes us towards becoming more like Jesus, so
we can further His kingdom and show others what He has done for his beloved. Go
out and make disciples of men, and let our lives be a living example, sacrifice
and representation of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Turn to Him
Sometimes, I just feel weak. I don't feel like waking up and reading the bible or sometimes even a short little devotional like Jesus Calling. I don't have the words to say to the Lord, so I just lay. I lay and stare. Not taking the time to examine my heart as to why I feel nothing. Sometimes my insides feel weak. Sometimes I'm on a roll and I feel as though my relationship with the Lord is going awesome. Answered prayers here and there, I "feel" in tune, close and ready to righteously combat anything that comes my way. Then life happens again. You don't get that job offer you were so confidently praying for & therefore expecting, you had a rough argument with a friend, your house is a mess, something negative was said about you, you're just plain old exhausted, something happened. Anything happened, or nothing happened. Either way, you just cant bring yourself to "feel" anything other that simply nothing towards the Lord.
We all have these moments. I promise you. One of the most important things that I needed to realize was that I am not alone. All I want to do sometimes is try to run away from God, simply out of shame because I fear that I am not measuring up to 90% of the other believers who seem to never have to distant feeling moments. However in my walk? They seem to be more so often than not. One of the things I am working on is not trying to hide myself (which is impossible) or turn and ignore the Lord when I feel unpleasing or non-glorifying. Satan works extremely hard to steer our minds towards anything other than the Lord when we feel like He may be disappointed with us. Satan wants us to feel ashamed, guilty and distant.
Something I am still trying to grasp daily is His grace. How big it is, how real it is and how very strong it is. We sometimes don't fully comprehend the concept of grace, simply because we aren't used to receiving it, or giving it. There are so many characteristics of God that can sometimes be difficult to wrap our minds around. We look up at Him in fear, feeling helpless and so little when we sin, and all He wants to do is grab us, hold us tight and tell us that everything is going to be okay. Yes, He is the God of judgment and justice and we should fear Him with a reverent fear continually. However, He is also the God of comfort. A comfort that only He is able to give. He is the God of peace, a peace that surpasses all understanding. He is love. A love that never fails. Despite every feeling we have ever had to NOT come to Him in worship and in prayer, despite every sin we have ever sinned and will sin, despite our tendencies to run away from the only God who will be able to fully forgive and satisfy our need for that reassuring feeling, despite it all, that love isn't going anywhere. Although it's important to keep those very strong characteristics in mind, the other soft, gracious and merciful characteristics are just as important, if not more. The entire gospel is abounding in grace. The last thing He desires for us is to turn away, feel guilty and shameful, ending up even more distant which is exactly what satan wants for us.
Instead, come to Him in complete honesty. He understands! He created us. He knows we aren't going to "feel" like doing absolutely anything some days! He knows every one of our situations. He is saying "Trust me. I know, beloved. Grab my hand and let me help you. Let's do this together." There is no condemnation in Him. That is the truth. Our desire for Him comes from Him, therefore our feelings are irrelevant. Sometimes I have to come to Him and say "Lord, I am weak, I feel gross, I am tired, I don't feel like praying, I don't feel like reading, I don't feel like becoming more like you I just want to sit and cry. Give me a desire. Please Lord, even though my flesh may not even want one. Lord strengthen me, give me a willingness and a strong desire to sit in your presence and worship you, talk with you and learn from you." He will bless that! I promise. So when you have those seasons of feeling completely complacent and lazy, hurt, bitter, tired, keep in mind all of His characteristics as a whole and remember that He is always pursuing us. He wants to walk with us, He wants to comfort us and allow us to feel His grace and love. Because it is bigger than anything we will ever imagine or know of. It's more real than anything we have ever felt before, and He wants that for us. We have to be open to it, we have to step out of our comfort zone, we have to discipline ourselves to remain where we are standing and say "God, I am weak but strengthen me now." and with everything inside of me I know that He will.
We all have these moments. I promise you. One of the most important things that I needed to realize was that I am not alone. All I want to do sometimes is try to run away from God, simply out of shame because I fear that I am not measuring up to 90% of the other believers who seem to never have to distant feeling moments. However in my walk? They seem to be more so often than not. One of the things I am working on is not trying to hide myself (which is impossible) or turn and ignore the Lord when I feel unpleasing or non-glorifying. Satan works extremely hard to steer our minds towards anything other than the Lord when we feel like He may be disappointed with us. Satan wants us to feel ashamed, guilty and distant.
Something I am still trying to grasp daily is His grace. How big it is, how real it is and how very strong it is. We sometimes don't fully comprehend the concept of grace, simply because we aren't used to receiving it, or giving it. There are so many characteristics of God that can sometimes be difficult to wrap our minds around. We look up at Him in fear, feeling helpless and so little when we sin, and all He wants to do is grab us, hold us tight and tell us that everything is going to be okay. Yes, He is the God of judgment and justice and we should fear Him with a reverent fear continually. However, He is also the God of comfort. A comfort that only He is able to give. He is the God of peace, a peace that surpasses all understanding. He is love. A love that never fails. Despite every feeling we have ever had to NOT come to Him in worship and in prayer, despite every sin we have ever sinned and will sin, despite our tendencies to run away from the only God who will be able to fully forgive and satisfy our need for that reassuring feeling, despite it all, that love isn't going anywhere. Although it's important to keep those very strong characteristics in mind, the other soft, gracious and merciful characteristics are just as important, if not more. The entire gospel is abounding in grace. The last thing He desires for us is to turn away, feel guilty and shameful, ending up even more distant which is exactly what satan wants for us.
Instead, come to Him in complete honesty. He understands! He created us. He knows we aren't going to "feel" like doing absolutely anything some days! He knows every one of our situations. He is saying "Trust me. I know, beloved. Grab my hand and let me help you. Let's do this together." There is no condemnation in Him. That is the truth. Our desire for Him comes from Him, therefore our feelings are irrelevant. Sometimes I have to come to Him and say "Lord, I am weak, I feel gross, I am tired, I don't feel like praying, I don't feel like reading, I don't feel like becoming more like you I just want to sit and cry. Give me a desire. Please Lord, even though my flesh may not even want one. Lord strengthen me, give me a willingness and a strong desire to sit in your presence and worship you, talk with you and learn from you." He will bless that! I promise. So when you have those seasons of feeling completely complacent and lazy, hurt, bitter, tired, keep in mind all of His characteristics as a whole and remember that He is always pursuing us. He wants to walk with us, He wants to comfort us and allow us to feel His grace and love. Because it is bigger than anything we will ever imagine or know of. It's more real than anything we have ever felt before, and He wants that for us. We have to be open to it, we have to step out of our comfort zone, we have to discipline ourselves to remain where we are standing and say "God, I am weak but strengthen me now." and with everything inside of me I know that He will.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Who am I Trying to Please?
So, recently in many different areas, I have been really struggling with is people pleasing. Also known as the approval of man or fear of man. I've actually surprised myself lately with how often I am concerned with what people will think of me. Weather it be my family, people I have been affiliated with in the past, my very close friends or even people I don't know at all! In some way, I find myself frequently worrying myself or concerning myself with the way other people see me. When you really think about it, there is so much pressure that goes along with pleasing people. How exhausting is it to have to uphold all of these different people's views of you?! There are so many different areas in which I struggle with this sin. Yes, sin.
Before I explain, let me give you a couple of referenaces that may be able to help you understand as to why the approval of man is completely wrong. Galations 1:10 "Am I now trying to win the approval of man or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." This verse is a difficult one to really grasp and take in. It's sort of like trying to worship two Gods. You just can't! It isn't possible. If you are trying to win the approval of man, then there is no way you are trying to please God as well. It's humanly impossible. However, why must we not desire the approval of man? Because like the Word touches on multiple times, such as in Matthew 10:28 it says "Do not fear those who can kill the body but cannot kill the soul, but rather fear the one who can destroy both body and soul in hell." This sounds a little harsh, but either way my point is that what can mere man do?! We desire so badly to please the very people whose opinion matters none! When we find our security and our confidence in other people, we will fail. Desiring to please people will take such a toll on the way that you act, think, dress, talk, practically live! It is such a trap and it simply deteriorates us.
When we are under the approval of man, we are being run by them. They are in control in essence of what we so "choose" to do. No longer are we under the control of the Lord, but we allow our lives to be in control of those around us, whose opinions at the end of the day mean absolutely nothing. It is one of the hardest things for me to do in all honestly. I am viewed strongly by many people as someone who doesn't mind what people think about me, and in all honesty at times the Lord grants me that strength but in other times like lately, that couldn't be further from the truth. For example, having 5 girls in the family is a PARTY to say the least. However at the same time, along with that comes much comparing, jealously and judgment. I allow myself to get into my head, and as a result end up stressing myself out rather than simply enjoying my siblings company. So many times I find myself trying to prove something to them. You would think that because of the fact that they're family, that you wouldn't have to prove a thing, but instead family is probably the hardest place to start. They know you. They know your triggers, weaknesses, failures, your rawness, they know it all. To try to prove to your family something different than what they have seen for the majority of your life is one of the most difficult things to do, as well as a waste of time. Yes. A complete and total, not to mention foolish waste of time.
I can sometimes catch myself wanting so badly to paint a picture of myself containing no faults, no mess-ups, no areas of failure or uncertainty, just perfection. When I do this, I completely take away my sole purpose for surviving on this earth, and that is to extend His kingdom. When I indulge myself on pleasing the people around me, I am drawing no one to Christ, but to myself. In turn, I become so weary for absolutely no reason. I exhaust myself, and only end up feeling terrible about me as a person. My body, my talents, my skin, my style, my intelligence, and not just to my family but to all. Feeling as though you need to talk or at a certain way for a young man to even give you a second look, to have to over-spiritualize something to gain a certain amount of respect from a friend, to focus hours on what you're planning to wear the next day to prove to Lord knows who, that you know what you're doing when it comes to style. Everything becomes so self centered when we focus so much on what others around us are thinking.
As believers, we need to get to a point where we stop worrying about what he or she thinks, but solely what the Lord thinks. We need to train and transform our minds to be only focused on what God thinks about us, about our hearts, to forget about proving something to everyone else, to let go of the way you feel you are perceived, and let the Lord begin to do a work in your life to the point where it becomes inevitable that something about you is different, and in turn bring glory to HIM instead of ourselves. If we do this thing biblically, it all makes perfect sense. If we are focused on what the Lord thinks of us, we then begin to know our worth. We don't have to prove anything to anyone because we become so secure in Him and what He thinks of us, how worthy we are and pleasing we are to Him, that we are finally able to release any insecurity dealing with our piers and what they may have to say. Because at the end of the day, none of that matters.
None of what other people think about you is important. The Lord will begin to change you, which in turn will change other people's minds and perceptions of you. Let Him do the work because He can handle it. There is no way we're able to keep up with reaching all of these different people's expectations. We're going to mess up! We're going to fail, and instead of stressing yourself out about what he or she thinks, begin to train your mind to forget about what everyone thinks, and focus on serving, trusting and pleasing the only one who's opinion matters. You are so capable! I'm not saying it's an easy thing to do, and if you struggle with people pleasing like I did for many years, and time to time still do, it's no easy fix. However, the Lord desires nothing more than you. Your efforts and your best. No one else deserves that. I promise if you begin to put down the fear of man and work on your fear of God, then the change that you wouldn't have ever been able to do in your own power and efforts alone, will begin to take place. Let's do this!
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