Out of Our Control

Oh Lord, blessed is the man who trusts in You. Psalm 84:12

Over the course of the last four months, (to put it simply) I have been struggling to find a job. To be honest, I have never in my life had to search so hard. I owe that all to the Lord's favor, but am seriously struggling as to finding a reason why? I have put myself out there in ways that I never thought I would have to, I have gone for jobs that I thought "surely, I am better than this", and have (at least in my mind) been willing to "settle" simply for the sake of making a little bit of cash. At the end of the day, I'm left frustrated. I look at my siblings and how their lives and jobs are flourishing, how the Lord is providing work for them left and right, and it's difficult for me to remain in a state of thankfulness. 

However when I really get to thinking; and it doesn't take all that much, I am blown away at His faithfulness. He has provided in ways that I can only smile of while telling, and has carried me through this time of frustration, fear, embarrassment, and doubt. He has been there, and continues to be there continuously, and for that I have no words. I was finally able to have enough time to publish my official photography website (which I am trusting will slowly but surely take off in ways that I would never be able to imagine), and to design/order some business cards that turned out wonderfully as well! He has provided me with the finances and time to do the things I need to do, and sometimes even the things I WANT to do. I have never gone without a bed, or without a meal. 

Sometimes, we don't always comprehend why we are in a certain season of life. I couldn't tell you why it has been this hard for me to find a job, and why every possible opportunity has fallen through up to this point. It's frustrating, hurtful, and draining. However, I do know that He is in complete control. Weather we feel like that or not, that is truth, and truth is what we operate out of. We don't operate out of the natural, but the supernatural. Not fear, not feelings, but what His Words says, and that alone. His Word tells us that He will never forsake us, and that His understanding is far above ours. He has a job set in place for me, and He sees 3 months, 1 year, even ten years from now. He has a plan for me in this time, and for my life that I may not see right now. If I don't have a job right now, and I am doing everything that I can, then the Lord is saving me from something. It has nothing to do with me at the end of the day. Nothing to do with my skill set or talent or experience, but His will and favor for my life. I could be unbelievably qualified, and not get the job, as well as overwhelmingly unqualified, and end up getting it. It's all Him, and none of us, and that is something that during seasons of life like these, we can absolutely rest in.

Feel free to leave your prayer requests in the comment section of this post, or in my inbox on Facebook. They will be written down and prayed over gratefully. 

We're All Hurting Somewhere

I am someone who finds so much comfort in the pain, fear and struggle of others. I know that sounds somewhat terrible and a little bit frightening, but it's true. That's just the way that I am. Whenever something is going on with me, whenever I'm in a rough spot or season, am drowning in fear or discouragement- second after prayer, I like to go to people. I want to talk. Tell me what YOU'RE scared of, what you cry about often, what forces you to rest in Him all the more? Listening to others open up to a vulnerable, secret and dusty place in their souls... there is something so beautiful about it. It reminds me that I'm not alone. It reminds me that we're all messed up. That we are all indeed so, so very in need of our perfect, ever capable, healing, loving Savior.

To be honest, one of my biggest fears is messing up. I know... I giggled myself. However, it's true! I mean, I have an extensive past. I lied, I stole, I was dishonest, judgmental, disrespectful, dishonoring- I was a hurt, insecure, fearful young girl, hiding behind a rough, mean, and hard exterior. The Lord was no where present in my life, and that was evident for all to see. Then, long story short- the Lord completely transformed my life. He came and shook me, broke me, and is continuing to mold me day by day. He has stolen my heart and I will forever continue living my life as a bondservant of Him.

I think that accepting grace is a process. Yes, you just have to do it, but it's probably one of the hardest things I am continuously learning. Once your eyes are opened to the stunning, breathtaking transforming love of our Lord, you simply begin to become so, so small. I have struggled ever since the day I asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart, with performance. I fear failure, I fear discomfort, I fear fear! I forget that it's okay to be hurt, or terrified, or doubt. I forget that we're all human, and that we came into this world so needy and desperate for our God. I forget that my every breath is being sustained by our Creator. I so easily can get caught up in wrapping my problems inside of this pretty little Paper Source wrapped box with the most darling pink bow on it, and some glitter... you know, just for a little extra distraction.

Something I have been recognizing lately, is how unbelievably imperfect we all are. The issue with my fear of failure, or looking bad, is pride. That is the root of it. Satan wants me to feel as though first of all, I am even capable of doing or being "good" or "perfect" on my own, and that second of all, no one else on this planet is struggling with absolutely anything. It's just me. That is a lie from the pit of hell! We are here FOR people. Our soul purpose here is for us to relationship! To fear, doubt and mess up together, and then to pick each other up and push each other towards Christ! To ask the stranger sitting next to you on the train, what his greatest fear is. To talk to someone new on your lunch break, and to begin a conversation about how many times daily I have to remind myself of God's truth and grace, while in a relationship! People are so willing, I promise you! We just rarely give each other the space, the time or the effort, to allow ourselves access to such a valuable reminder: We are not alone. We all need Him! Growth comes with vulnerability. It doesn't always come easy! Think of the times in your life where you have experienced the most growth! It's when you have to wake up at 4:00 a.m. to babysit the children of the corn! It's when your boss is an #%&$@ and you have to fight every ounce of your will in order to not flip a table. It's when you lose someone so close to you, or when you find out the most heart wrenching news you have ever received. Those are the times when we need and desire for someone or something so much bigger than ourselves. Everyone is hurting, everyone is struggling in one area or another. Let's remind ourselves of that, come together and point, push, and encourage each other towards Him.

Where's The Grace?

Lately, the concept of grace has been circulating throughout my mind. As the weeks pass, I find myself dedicating ample amounts of time towards the quest of understanding this beautiful thing. However, I also find myself realizing how many people around me, weather in the body of Christ or not, simply cannot wrap their minds around it. It has absolutely been a difficult process for myself, and an ongoing one at that. Trying to receive such a priceless gift from the one who already gave His life for you in return for absolutely nothing, is a little bit of a mind boggling thought. I could never understand why, or how. Therefore, I just rejected it and never fully gave it a chance to work inside of me the way that He intended for it to.

The day I made the decision to open my heart to fully understanding His grace, was when my mother told me that I had a difficult time with in doing so. I really wasn't aware, but hearing her explain sort of the way in which my heart was working at the time, it all made sense. I was so legalistic, and with that comes a little bit of a judgmental spirit. I felt condemned, therefore I condemned. I couldn't receive the grace that the Lord was freely handing me, so there was nothing keeping me from coming down on others for their "ungodly" ways. I always felt distant from Him, and I was living in a constant state of shame, guilt and fear.

Then, it dawned on me. Not instantly, but day after day it continues to. Who am I? Who are we? Where is the grace? I had a friend recently who decided to open up to me about something that she did, that she was clearly not proud of. In my mind, my first (and sinful) initial thought was  filled with judgment. I didn't say anything, but for a quick moment I had thoughts running through my mind that contained no encouragement and more importantly, no grace. The more we talked, the more my heart broke. She expressed to me how she felt as though she couldn't tell anyone. Only a couple of people knew- even some of the people who were so close to her had no idea. 

To me, that was sad. This is sad. Like I said, who are we? If we are the people that ones who have messed up cannot come openly to, if we are the ones with judgment eyes and judgment hearts, we must repent. His grace is the only thing keeping us alive. All in all, we are all so unworthy. We are dirty and in so much need of our Savior. There is no reason why one (saved or not) shouldn't be able to come to another. Shamelessly, openly and broken. If we are striving to be like Christ, condemnation is the furthest thing from Him. We as the body of Christ, need to begin accepting, loving, encouraging and forgiving. We need to put away the judgmental thoughts and words, and get back to the basics. WWJD? The answer to that question can be found throughout the beautifully God breathed pages of scripture. Every single one of them. The answer to that question is the answer to the lack of genuine, vulnerable and Christ guided/centered community today.

Embrace the Emptiness

 "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, Who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will Himself complete and make you what you ought to be, establish and ground you securely, and strengthen, and settle you." 1 Peter 5:10

It's been a while, friends. After spending an entire Summer in Dallas, Texas, I am just now feeling like my feet are back underneath me again. The amount of change and learning opportunities that I was able to encounter were ample. From sharing a bed for 3 months, to the blazing heat, to countless misquote bites, the negatives are far outnumbered by the positives of my mothers cooking, Naked and Afraid marathons with my siblings, and brother/sister bonding over Taco Bell. I miss my family. However, it feels almost as wonderful being back in my little town house, sitting at my desk while overlooking the murky yet somehow incredibly inviting lake (okay, swamp) across the street. The stillness and quiet is something I have found that my body needs; this satisfies fairly wonderfully.

Being back home of course entails change. Something I am not very fond of, or very great at handling. Although I finally am beginning to feel a sense of routine and comfortability, a lot has been going on lately- a lot that I find trouble dealing with on my own. I'm pretty sure that my mom has every right to ignore every phone call that she ever receives from me, starting now. She is my rock, and although I am a clone of my father, there are times that I cant help but want mama. Luckily, it isn't just my mother who has to deal with my (insert any synonym of crazy here) ness. I was talking to my best friend Tiana last night about how much I feel is going on, and how unqualified I feel to handle it. She then mentioned the fact she felt the exact same way. We wondered for a moment if something was legitimately wrong with us. Lately, I have been reminded and revealed of how in need of a Savior, wretched, crooked and messed up I really am apart from the loving Father. I began to explain how everything from listening to "My Little Girl" by Tim McGraw to watching some dumb little video of a little cat putting his face in a vacuum cleaner, made me want to cry. 

I am a verbal analyzer. 99% of the time, I don't quite know how I feel until I begin to explain it- then, it all comes to me. Anyways, as I went on about how absolutely inadequate and overwhelmed I felt, the Lord allowed me to realize something. I need this. As busy as I have been (compared to usual), I have never clung tighter to the Lord. From keeping my face in scripture, to crying out to Him in worship, to bawling my eyes out on my bed in light of His underserved mercy and grace, I need this. Essentially, I want this. As difficult as it may be to deal with all of the overwhelming realities, Him allowing me to see me for what I really am, and to see Him for who He really is, is answered prayer. He is awaking my soul, renewing my mind, and allowing me to reach out and experience His character to the full. The gospel in itself is devastating. It will wreck you if you let it, and let it. Please. 

All in all, if you are ever in a situation or season where you find yourself in need of a comfort, healing or restoration that is not of this world, get down to the root of that and find it in Him. He is the only one who can fully and wholly satisfy in times like these. If a difficult season is what it takes for us to draw a little closer to Him, embrace that. He loves it, He really does. He wants you, He wants to show you His love and His grace. Not in a condemning way, but a soft, inviting, appealing, warm and necessary way. Allow yourself to break, come to grips with where you're at and seek the Savior whom will piece by piece, mend you into a better version of the person you were before you broke. Trust Him, seek Him, hold Him tightly, and allow Him to fight the feelings for you. He already has.

A Scary Confession

As I sit at my new little desk placed purposefully in front of one of the brightest windows in my room, I am taken back by what I just caught myself do. After listening to an amazing sermon on vanity straight from the book of Ecclesiastes, I opened up my bible and found myself in a panic. I could not find a highlighter! All I had was the .01 thickness fine line marker. No pink, yellow or green highlighter, no thick colored sharpie, just something that would be unnoticeable by anyone other than me if I were to make any markings in my bible. I underlined something quickly, and immediately closed it. Why was this a problem? Why did I desire something so bold, in order that those around me would be able to notice those markings in my bible the next time I opened it? 

Sometimes we can get so caught up in looking like the perfect type of Christian, when we need to realize that it has nothing to do with anything on the outside, but absolutely everything on the inside. I was listening to a tape the other day, and the man mentioned finding a man whose bible looks tattered, worn or used. That moment, I thought to myself. "Is my bible tattered enough? Does my bible look used enough if people were to see?" I remember stressing out, thinking of how much I would hate to be judged as a person, according to what my bible looks like. I'll never forget a few years ago, a situation with a young man who I truly admired simply because of his genuine and intimate walk with the Lord. This was near the beginning stages of mine, so I was at a point where I wanted to know how to LOOK like a "real" Christian. I was sitting near him, when he took out his bible and to my surprise, it looked brand spankin' new. I was confused! I didn't understand how a Christian so dedicated, so "good", could have no highlighting marks, no pen marks, no wrinkled pages, I was taken back and had to ask him. "Why don't you highlight or write in your book? Is it new?" He graciously explained how to him, that Word was precious. He found no need to mark it up or make it look any certain way. He would rather write those verses and stories on his heart.

This morning, I think of that very little and quick conversation, as well as my thought process this morning. We cannot get so caught up in what we look like to other people. What our bibles look like, how many prayer journals we have gone through, what pastors or leaders we've gone to lunch with, all of these things are great, however when our identity gets wrapped up in them- this is where it becomes a problem. I cannot get wrapped up in what the pages of God's Word look like to those around me when we're sitting in church. I cannot pray and hope that I'm not judged if we so happen to open up to the book of Numbers, where Lord knows the pages in that book are probably still stuck together! On the same token, I cannot be one to judge when someone else's bible doesn't look as worn as I think it should. In all honesty, after talking to the guy who had no markings on his bible, that took absolutely nothing away from the fact that he was one of the brightest shining lights for the Kingdom. 

We need to generate a mindset of realness. With ourselves, as well as with others. Don't simply desire to look like a "real" or "good" Christian on the outside, when it's the inside that needs work. You will wear yourself out, and you will be left with dissatisfaction and emptiness. Tattered, highlighted or worn out bibles are by no means a bad thing. No one bit at all, but if it becomes something you are conscious of- especially in the presence of others, that is where it gets dangerous. So if you're anything like me and you see this to be a struggle, challenge yourself and realize that it's time to get a new bible. An untouched, unmarked bible. We need to discipline ourselves to take our mind off of what the inside of our bibles look like, and begin directing our focus towards what the inside of WE look like.

His Little Whispers

As this Summer rolls in and the days pass, (as incredibly thrilled as that makes me) I feel cornered more and more by the craziness of all things around me- simply by change in particular. It's so difficult sometimes to really grasp all that is happening at once, most of the time because we are not meant to. I can literally generate a small knot in my stomach by the simple thought of relaxation. All that there is to prepare for and all that there is to do, are ideas that consistently run through my mind. The Lord, being the gracious and sweet God that He is, will rarely make a scene. Sometimes we will hear Him whispering to us- so kindly and patiently, however we choose to ignore it. It usually takes discipline for us to put our flesh to rest, and to heed to the voice of the Holy Spirit. To rest in Him is something that He desires so much for us. He cant force us to trust Him, to lay everything at His feet and put full faith in Him that He will give us the grace, strength and courage we need for each day. What He will do is remind us- through His word and through His sweet whispers, to take a breather, rest in Him and to enjoy the simple little mercies He provides for us each and every day. Today, my "cloud 9" was the sound of one thousand beautiful bird songs, some vitamin D and these stunning pink roses that I spent some much needed time shooting. I hope you can live vicariously through these photos and enjoy them as much as I did today!

How Much Longer?

I used to be the person who was able to sleep until noon- no problem. Over the past year and most especially in the last several months, I cannot seem to sleep in past 7:30 or 8:00. I can't say I'm hating it! That being said, I woke up this morning around 7:30 for good. So I grabbed my computer, a cup of coffee to get my brain started, and began typing! As a result, here is something that's been on my heart for a little while.

Lately, I've been in conversation with young women whose sole desire is to be married. It's their goal, their heart, their focus and one desire. I begin to feel as though they believe that every problem will simply vanish the moment they say "I do." I wish I couldn't relate to this, but for an amount of time, I could totally wrap my head around this. Having four sisters is seriously a dream! It's like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants on steroids. Meeting all different types of "significant others" along the way was not my favorite, (my family says I'm the cruelest judge) but eventually they all lucked out. One thing that I was not expecting was for 3 out of 4 of them to be married (or right around the corner from it) at such a young age. Over time, I've simply realized that age matters very little when it comes to that special covenant with the Lord.

I was talking with my sister a couple days ago, when she brought up a traumatizing statistic. "There is a 60% divorce rate at Wheaton College" she said. I could not believe my ears. A very nice, small, Christian college had that high of a divorce rate? Reasons why began flooding my mind, but the one that stuck out the most was pressure. The pressure to be this perfect little desirable young lady who feels pressure to find a boyfriend who then feels pressure to make HIM feel pressured to feel pressured to propose, obviously there is pressure to get married, pressure to STAY perfect, with which comes the pressure to make it work- and it doesn't. Why are we so wrapped up in those around us?! Do we want to be a statistic or do we want a thriving, strong, unique relationship that stands as an example for those couples around us? It may take some more time, it may not. Either way, why must we be in a rush?

I was talking to my dad a few months ago. He asked me how I was feeling about everything regarding my younger sister who is about to be getting married. I don't think he was really prepared for my answer, but it started with "totally fine, I'm so happy for them" and somehow ended with "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?" I couldn't understand why everything around me was happening so fast with marriages, proposals, dating, there was this subconscious pressure that I felt. Is something wrong with me? Do I need to find someone and get married? What if I don't? Will I have to settle? Thankfully, shortly after my conversation with him, that pressure began to fade away. He told me to enjoy this time, to take things slow! He told me that this time is precious and that all I needed to do was focus on myself and the Lord, and He would take care of the rest. Hearing this- it was a breath of fresh air.

This world puts so much pressure on us in way too many areas. What to wear, what to eat, how to talk, what to buy, when to get married, when to have sex- we can't buy into it anymore. We as individuals have too much to learn! We need to be taking this time to prepare for marriage while living the life that the Lord has set out for us. We can't sit around anymore waiting for our perfect spouse to come and rescue us- our lives are too precious. The idea that marriage solves everything and our lives begin after we walk down the aisle is a lie that satan has fed young people for too long. Before handpicking the perfect soulmate on your own, let the Lord do it for you. It will be so much more rewarding and simply easy! That's how it should be! It shouldn't consume your life, it should be enjoyable, natural and God glorifying. Slow and steady wins the race, and I believe this wholeheartedly. Don't be in such a rush because of whatever idea that you have about marriage. Marriage is simply a word. It's the work behind it that makes it such a beautiful thing.

So hold your horses, get to know who you are as a person before you decide to throw yourself into someone else's arms. Know your buttons, the things you need to work on, know your weaknesses, and grow your intimacy with the Lord! When two individuals are running towards the cross, it is inevitable that you will end up running along side of each other, both headed towards Christ. That is how you want it to happen! Take this time to prepare! Become the man or woman that the Lord has created you to be. He knows the desires of your heart, and will indeed fulfill those. So take your time, because the end result will by FAR exceed the wait.