Striving for Realness

Lately, I've been evaluating what I envision for my blog. What do I want it to evolk? How do I want people to feel when they visit? What do I want people to see? Most importantly, how do I want to come across? Over the past couple of weeks I have put a lot of thought into this, and I have finally come up with my answer. I desire nothing more than to be real. There are so many blogs out there today that people swoon over, and it can be tough to find ways to stand out amongst the crowd. I want to do this for me. So many times, I'm scrolling through the pages of blogs, looking at all of the beautiful pictures of the perfectly placed crumbs on the crisp clean countertop for the lemon bar recipe, the pristine bedroom flush with ironed pillow cases and the curtains blowing in the wind, the seemingly perfectly captured cup of coffee with fresh blooming peonies on the counter, the list goes on. Even I am guilty of obsessing over these peoples' lives that are hardly even real! This morning, I spilled my coffee on the floor of William Sonoma (and it didn't forget to make it's way down my shirt on the way down), and I am wearing the same sweater that I wore yesterday. My nail polish is cracked, my laundry is piled up, I'm living off of a clothes rack in my cousin's bedroom at my aunt's house, and my dinner usually consists of Yogurtland.

While there is nothing wrong with creating beautiful photos, I don't want people to come to my blog and lust after a life that I quite honestly do not have. I as a photographer have to find a balance between being real, and creating REAL, beautiful photos. I can still make a stunning photo without manipulating it's every subject to perfection. What I want is for people to come and to see that you are not the only one who ripped a hole in the butt crack of her (too tight) leggings because you had just put lotion on and you were pulling too hard. I want this to be a place of beauty, creativity and light, but I also want it to be a place of authenticity, vulnerability and realness. I want to share with you everything from what my quiet times with the Lord look like in the morning, to the office I am renovating in my aunt's home, to how to take successful photos on your iPhone. I'm looking forward to getting to share my life with you guys, and hope that you are too. I promise, I will try to make sure that my posts/pictures will always be pretty, but I assure you, they will not be perfect. They will reflect me and who I am as accurately and as genuinely as possible.

I Am Considered

Goodness, I promise I am a firm believer in consistency. I know that in no way, shape or form does my blog reflect that belief, yet I swear I am- and as saddened as I am to admit it, I don't even have a good excuse. If I were to come up with one though, I think I would simply have to say "life". I've let it get away from me, and I am working little by little on many different things in order to get back in front of it, instead of 4 miles behind it. By the grace of God I'm getting there! I'm not quite sure what it is lately, but I've been inspired to share. I'm not one to think that I have the most interesting life nor much going on for that matter by ANY means, but I do know that for quite some time, the Lord has provided me with a strong desire in my heart and soul to be a relatable young woman. Open, honest, genuine and present. On top of my knack for writing, there's something so special that I love about setting aside intentional time to separate myself from the world, and to share what is going on in my mind, heart, and every day life with the people whom I truly care about. So, without further ado...

The other night I was talking to my boyfriend Seth, and I ended up asking him for a little bit of his perspective on what he thinks I should talk about in my next blog post. There were so many things that I felt like I could write about, and I was having such a difficult time honing in on what exactly I wanted to discuss. Naturally, we sort of veered off from my original question, and the next morning I was left with yet still no clue as to what I truly felt led to blog about. It's always just come to me. I sit down, I listen to the birds, I sip my coffee, and everything just always seems to flow. For some reason, I came to this one a little bit differently. Difficulty and intentionally, yet beautifully. This time, it came to me in tears. It came to me as I stood crouched over my bed with my fists clenched onto my sheets, with no words coming out of my mouth, but silent cries to the Lord while listening to "A Little Longer" by Jenn Johnson (the live version... trust me). It came to me in a moment where folding my laundry turned into a revelation, and it came to me when I was absolutely least expecting it.

For a while now, I have slowly began to feel somewhat forgotten, or rather, unconsidered. Like the Lord has sort of put me on the back burner while everyone else's lives seem to be coming together and going "their way" if you will. While I am over here simply trudging through the sludge, only to get to somewhere that I am not even certain of what will be. I know deep in my heart of hearts that He DOES care and that my feelings and emotions have overridden any biblical truth on the matter, but nevertheless, I've allowed myself to come to terms with this. My boyfriend lives in San Diego, so there isn't much need for explanation there. He does a wonderful job, but it's tough to balance two time zones, opposing schedules, busy jobs, and everything else that comes with a good ol' long distance relationship. Anyways, most of my siblings are living in Dallas, working together, hanging out together, making plans together, and as secure as I am in my relationships with them, I would be lying if I said that I don't experience extreme cases of FOMO (fear of missing out... I guess that's a thing now) every now and then. I'm also living with my aunt and am currently still on the lookout for a place to stay while her two children are back for the Summer, I have no idea what happens after graduation (where I will live, what I will do, and so on) and on top of that, my best friend is the busiest woman in the world. None of this is truly terrible, but I think after a while it begins to add up, and I've simply started wondering why/accepting the fact that things really haven't been going "my way" and will probably continue not to for a while.

I didn't realize it until yesterday afternoon while listening to that song on repeat, that slowly but surely I have let the evil one convince me that I am hardly a thought in anyone else's mind. Not even that I am undeserving, but that I am simply not even of consideration. That people are busy, the Lord is there but I've just got to deal with the given circumstances whether I like it or not, that I must find contentment in this feeling of insignificance, and my goodness I could not have accepted a bigger lie. The lyrics that triggered every fickle emotion in my being yesterday afternoon were these:

"You don't have to do a thing 
Just simply be with me 
and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute
Wait, this moment is too sweet 
Would you please stay here here with me
And love on me a little longer
Cause I like to be with you a little longer
I love to be with you a little longer
Cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you"

I wasn't aware of how desperate I was to hear these words from someone. Not just any someone, but from Whom it meant the most. I am so desired, cherished, treasured, sought after, pursued, and prioritized. I am a child of the most high God, and even if I were not even a mere thought in anyone else's mind, I am His first and most treasured thought during every second of every day- He simply wants time with me. He wants me of all people to love on Him a little longer, and that simple yet powerful truth ravished my soul. As difficult as that is to remember at times, when this world and it's harsh ways so desperately desire to make nothing of us, remember with me... We have an ever powerful Father who is sustaining every breath of every little thing on this planet, and He considers us. He considers us above all else. Remember that with me, and let go of the lies that satan is so easily entangling you with. We are His, and we are enough for Him.

Be Those Few

Modesty. Gentle in Spirit. Submissive. Helper. These are all words found in the book of life, that women (especially these days) tend to turn their noses up to. Why is it that femininity or womanhood has strictly become dependent upon our outer appearance? I so often hear women talking about wanting to look sexy, or dressing/acting in such a way that will draw positive attention to them, and unfortunately not so very often do I hear women putting their outer appearance on the back burner, to focus on the character and worth that can only be founded in the Lord. Now, I struggle with this too. I think all women do! There may always be this inner desire to look attractive, and there is nothing wrong with that! However, when we are acting or dressing TO attract, this is where the heart issue comes in.

This time is a scary one. Society really couldn't care less anymore about character, inner beauty, or godliness. What's attracting men and winning over hearts is this sassy, sexy, demanding, independent sort of attitude and appearance, and it is slowly but surely killing this generation, and the next to come. Women, our goal should not be to have the sexiest body, so that we can find the skimpiest bathing suit, or hottest outfit to go out in. Not at all. Our goal should be to protect the hearts and minds of young men out there who will inevitably struggle. Make that fight a little bit easier for them. There are husbands out there, boyfriends, fathers, and brothers in Christ whose flesh may desire every bit of the skin you're showing, but their Spirits are fighting and rejecting it. No, we should not make these changes simply and only to please/protect our brothers, but you will sure be blessed and thanked for it. Our goal is to please our Lord and Savior, and invite people into His kingdom.

As examples and light bearers of the Lord, words like selfless, submissive, modesty and gentle in Spirit, should circle in our hearts and minds over and over. We should strive for it. Write it on our to-do lists. That sassy attitude and harsh tone may be cute or funny to some, but it is a tragedy to our Lord. There are too many women out there already who are not carrying the name of our God well, and most not at all. Be the ones. Discipline ourselves to find our worth and praise from our God, instead of the men surrounding us. Trust me, in the long run they will appreciate it. Strive to forgive, and to be sweet, instead of being argumentative, judgmental and harsh. Be a safe place of peace for people. Be a breath of fresh air for those around you who are striving just like you, to become the woman that the Lord intends for them to be. You will be blessed for your fight against the devil's schemes. Women, it's hard to come by. It truly is. Going to church, attending a weekly bible study, and proclaiming the name of Jesus is wonderful, but it is not the end all, be all. Let's produce some fruit. Let's be earthly bearers of the Holy Spirit. Let's be those few! We can do it together.

Out of Our Control

Oh Lord, blessed is the man who trusts in You. Psalm 84:12

Over the course of the last four months, (to put it simply) I have been struggling to find a job. To be honest, I have never in my life had to search so hard. I owe that all to the Lord's favor, but am seriously struggling as to finding a reason why? I have put myself out there in ways that I never thought I would have to, I have gone for jobs that I thought "surely, I am better than this", and have (at least in my mind) been willing to "settle" simply for the sake of making a little bit of cash. At the end of the day, I'm left frustrated. I look at my siblings and how their lives and jobs are flourishing, how the Lord is providing work for them left and right, and it's difficult for me to remain in a state of thankfulness. 

However when I really get to thinking; and it doesn't take all that much, I am blown away at His faithfulness. He has provided in ways that I can only smile of while telling, and has carried me through this time of frustration, fear, embarrassment, and doubt. He has been there, and continues to be there continuously, and for that I have no words. I was finally able to have enough time to publish my official photography website (which I am trusting will slowly but surely take off in ways that I would never be able to imagine), and to design/order some business cards that turned out wonderfully as well! He has provided me with the finances and time to do the things I need to do, and sometimes even the things I WANT to do. I have never gone without a bed, or without a meal. 

Sometimes, we don't always comprehend why we are in a certain season of life. I couldn't tell you why it has been this hard for me to find a job, and why every possible opportunity has fallen through up to this point. It's frustrating, hurtful, and draining. However, I do know that He is in complete control. Weather we feel like that or not, that is truth, and truth is what we operate out of. We don't operate out of the natural, but the supernatural. Not fear, not feelings, but what His Words says, and that alone. His Word tells us that He will never forsake us, and that His understanding is far above ours. He has a job set in place for me, and He sees 3 months, 1 year, even ten years from now. He has a plan for me in this time, and for my life that I may not see right now. If I don't have a job right now, and I am doing everything that I can, then the Lord is saving me from something. It has nothing to do with me at the end of the day. Nothing to do with my skill set or talent or experience, but His will and favor for my life. I could be unbelievably qualified, and not get the job, as well as overwhelmingly unqualified, and end up getting it. It's all Him, and none of us, and that is something that during seasons of life like these, we can absolutely rest in.

Feel free to leave your prayer requests in the comment section of this post, or in my inbox on Facebook. They will be written down and prayed over gratefully. 

We're All Hurting Somewhere

I am someone who finds so much comfort in the pain, fear and struggle of others. I know that sounds somewhat terrible and a little bit frightening, but it's true. That's just the way that I am. Whenever something is going on with me, whenever I'm in a rough spot or season, am drowning in fear or discouragement- second after prayer, I like to go to people. I want to talk. Tell me what YOU'RE scared of, what you cry about often, what forces you to rest in Him all the more? Listening to others open up to a vulnerable, secret and dusty place in their souls... there is something so beautiful about it. It reminds me that I'm not alone. It reminds me that we're all messed up. That we are all indeed so, so very in need of our perfect, ever capable, healing, loving Savior.

To be honest, one of my biggest fears is messing up. I know... I giggled myself. However, it's true! I mean, I have an extensive past. I lied, I stole, I was dishonest, judgmental, disrespectful, dishonoring- I was a hurt, insecure, fearful young girl, hiding behind a rough, mean, and hard exterior. The Lord was no where present in my life, and that was evident for all to see. Then, long story short- the Lord completely transformed my life. He came and shook me, broke me, and is continuing to mold me day by day. He has stolen my heart and I will forever continue living my life as a bondservant of Him.

I think that accepting grace is a process. Yes, you just have to do it, but it's probably one of the hardest things I am continuously learning. Once your eyes are opened to the stunning, breathtaking transforming love of our Lord, you simply begin to become so, so small. I have struggled ever since the day I asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart, with performance. I fear failure, I fear discomfort, I fear fear! I forget that it's okay to be hurt, or terrified, or doubt. I forget that we're all human, and that we came into this world so needy and desperate for our God. I forget that my every breath is being sustained by our Creator. I so easily can get caught up in wrapping my problems inside of this pretty little Paper Source wrapped box with the most darling pink bow on it, and some glitter... you know, just for a little extra distraction.

Something I have been recognizing lately, is how unbelievably imperfect we all are. The issue with my fear of failure, or looking bad, is pride. That is the root of it. Satan wants me to feel as though first of all, I am even capable of doing or being "good" or "perfect" on my own, and that second of all, no one else on this planet is struggling with absolutely anything. It's just me. That is a lie from the pit of hell! We are here FOR people. Our soul purpose here is for us to relationship! To fear, doubt and mess up together, and then to pick each other up and push each other towards Christ! To ask the stranger sitting next to you on the train, what his greatest fear is. To talk to someone new on your lunch break, and to begin a conversation about how many times daily I have to remind myself of God's truth and grace, while in a relationship! People are so willing, I promise you! We just rarely give each other the space, the time or the effort, to allow ourselves access to such a valuable reminder: We are not alone. We all need Him! Growth comes with vulnerability. It doesn't always come easy! Think of the times in your life where you have experienced the most growth! It's when you have to wake up at 4:00 a.m. to babysit the children of the corn! It's when your boss is an #%&$@ and you have to fight every ounce of your will in order to not flip a table. It's when you lose someone so close to you, or when you find out the most heart wrenching news you have ever received. Those are the times when we need and desire for someone or something so much bigger than ourselves. Everyone is hurting, everyone is struggling in one area or another. Let's remind ourselves of that, come together and point, push, and encourage each other towards Him.

Where's The Grace?

Lately, the concept of grace has been circulating throughout my mind. As the weeks pass, I find myself dedicating ample amounts of time towards the quest of understanding this beautiful thing. However, I also find myself realizing how many people around me, weather in the body of Christ or not, simply cannot wrap their minds around it. It has absolutely been a difficult process for myself, and an ongoing one at that. Trying to receive such a priceless gift from the one who already gave His life for you in return for absolutely nothing, is a little bit of a mind boggling thought. I could never understand why, or how. Therefore, I just rejected it and never fully gave it a chance to work inside of me the way that He intended for it to.

The day I made the decision to open my heart to fully understanding His grace, was when my mother told me that I had a difficult time with in doing so. I really wasn't aware, but hearing her explain sort of the way in which my heart was working at the time, it all made sense. I was so legalistic, and with that comes a little bit of a judgmental spirit. I felt condemned, therefore I condemned. I couldn't receive the grace that the Lord was freely handing me, so there was nothing keeping me from coming down on others for their "ungodly" ways. I always felt distant from Him, and I was living in a constant state of shame, guilt and fear.

Then, it dawned on me. Not instantly, but day after day it continues to. Who am I? Who are we? Where is the grace? I had a friend recently who decided to open up to me about something that she did, that she was clearly not proud of. In my mind, my first (and sinful) initial thought was  filled with judgment. I didn't say anything, but for a quick moment I had thoughts running through my mind that contained no encouragement and more importantly, no grace. The more we talked, the more my heart broke. She expressed to me how she felt as though she couldn't tell anyone. Only a couple of people knew- even some of the people who were so close to her had no idea. 

To me, that was sad. This is sad. Like I said, who are we? If we are the people that ones who have messed up cannot come openly to, if we are the ones with judgment eyes and judgment hearts, we must repent. His grace is the only thing keeping us alive. All in all, we are all so unworthy. We are dirty and in so much need of our Savior. There is no reason why one (saved or not) shouldn't be able to come to another. Shamelessly, openly and broken. If we are striving to be like Christ, condemnation is the furthest thing from Him. We as the body of Christ, need to begin accepting, loving, encouraging and forgiving. We need to put away the judgmental thoughts and words, and get back to the basics. WWJD? The answer to that question can be found throughout the beautifully God breathed pages of scripture. Every single one of them. The answer to that question is the answer to the lack of genuine, vulnerable and Christ guided/centered community today.

Embrace the Emptiness

 "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, Who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will Himself complete and make you what you ought to be, establish and ground you securely, and strengthen, and settle you." 1 Peter 5:10

It's been a while, friends. After spending an entire Summer in Dallas, Texas, I am just now feeling like my feet are back underneath me again. The amount of change and learning opportunities that I was able to encounter were ample. From sharing a bed for 3 months, to the blazing heat, to countless misquote bites, the negatives are far outnumbered by the positives of my mothers cooking, Naked and Afraid marathons with my siblings, and brother/sister bonding over Taco Bell. I miss my family. However, it feels almost as wonderful being back in my little town house, sitting at my desk while overlooking the murky yet somehow incredibly inviting lake (okay, swamp) across the street. The stillness and quiet is something I have found that my body needs; this satisfies fairly wonderfully.

Being back home of course entails change. Something I am not very fond of, or very great at handling. Although I finally am beginning to feel a sense of routine and comfortability, a lot has been going on lately- a lot that I find trouble dealing with on my own. I'm pretty sure that my mom has every right to ignore every phone call that she ever receives from me, starting now. She is my rock, and although I am a clone of my father, there are times that I cant help but want mama. Luckily, it isn't just my mother who has to deal with my (insert any synonym of crazy here) ness. I was talking to my best friend Tiana last night about how much I feel is going on, and how unqualified I feel to handle it. She then mentioned the fact she felt the exact same way. We wondered for a moment if something was legitimately wrong with us. Lately, I have been reminded and revealed of how in need of a Savior, wretched, crooked and messed up I really am apart from the loving Father. I began to explain how everything from listening to "My Little Girl" by Tim McGraw to watching some dumb little video of a little cat putting his face in a vacuum cleaner, made me want to cry. 

I am a verbal analyzer. 99% of the time, I don't quite know how I feel until I begin to explain it- then, it all comes to me. Anyways, as I went on about how absolutely inadequate and overwhelmed I felt, the Lord allowed me to realize something. I need this. As busy as I have been (compared to usual), I have never clung tighter to the Lord. From keeping my face in scripture, to crying out to Him in worship, to bawling my eyes out on my bed in light of His underserved mercy and grace, I need this. Essentially, I want this. As difficult as it may be to deal with all of the overwhelming realities, Him allowing me to see me for what I really am, and to see Him for who He really is, is answered prayer. He is awaking my soul, renewing my mind, and allowing me to reach out and experience His character to the full. The gospel in itself is devastating. It will wreck you if you let it, and let it. Please. 

All in all, if you are ever in a situation or season where you find yourself in need of a comfort, healing or restoration that is not of this world, get down to the root of that and find it in Him. He is the only one who can fully and wholly satisfy in times like these. If a difficult season is what it takes for us to draw a little closer to Him, embrace that. He loves it, He really does. He wants you, He wants to show you His love and His grace. Not in a condemning way, but a soft, inviting, appealing, warm and necessary way. Allow yourself to break, come to grips with where you're at and seek the Savior whom will piece by piece, mend you into a better version of the person you were before you broke. Trust Him, seek Him, hold Him tightly, and allow Him to fight the feelings for you. He already has.