Striving for Realness

Lately, I've been evaluating what I envision for my blog. What do I want it to evolk? How do I want people to feel when they visit? What do I want people to see? Most importantly, how do I want to come across? Over the past couple of weeks I have put a lot of thought into this, and I have finally come up with my answer. I desire nothing more than to be real. There are so many blogs out there today that people swoon over, and it can be tough to find ways to stand out amongst the crowd. I want to do this for me. So many times, I'm scrolling through the pages of blogs, looking at all of the beautiful pictures of the perfectly placed crumbs on the crisp clean countertop for the lemon bar recipe, the pristine bedroom flush with ironed pillow cases and the curtains blowing in the wind, the seemingly perfectly captured cup of coffee with fresh blooming peonies on the counter, the list goes on. Even I am guilty of obsessing over these peoples' lives that are hardly even real! This morning, I spilled my coffee on the floor of William Sonoma (and it didn't forget to make it's way down my shirt on the way down), and I am wearing the same sweater that I wore yesterday. My nail polish is cracked, my laundry is piled up, I'm living off of a clothes rack in my cousin's bedroom at my aunt's house, and my dinner usually consists of Yogurtland.

While there is nothing wrong with creating beautiful photos, I don't want people to come to my blog and lust after a life that I quite honestly do not have. I as a photographer have to find a balance between being real, and creating REAL, beautiful photos. I can still make a stunning photo without manipulating it's every subject to perfection. What I want is for people to come and to see that you are not the only one who ripped a hole in the butt crack of her (too tight) leggings because you had just put lotion on and you were pulling too hard. I want this to be a place of beauty, creativity and light, but I also want it to be a place of authenticity, vulnerability and realness. I want to share with you everything from what my quiet times with the Lord look like in the morning, to the office I am renovating in my aunt's home, to how to take successful photos on your iPhone. I'm looking forward to getting to share my life with you guys, and hope that you are too. I promise, I will try to make sure that my posts/pictures will always be pretty, but I assure you, they will not be perfect. They will reflect me and who I am as accurately and as genuinely as possible.

I Am Considered

Goodness, I promise I am a firm believer in consistency. I know that in no way, shape or form does my blog reflect that belief, yet I swear I am- and as saddened as I am to admit it, I don't even have a good excuse. If I were to come up with one though, I think I would simply have to say "life". I've let it get away from me, and I am working little by little on many different things in order to get back in front of it, instead of 4 miles behind it. By the grace of God I'm getting there! I'm not quite sure what it is lately, but I've been inspired to share. I'm not one to think that I have the most interesting life nor much going on for that matter by ANY means, but I do know that for quite some time, the Lord has provided me with a strong desire in my heart and soul to be a relatable young woman. Open, honest, genuine and present. On top of my knack for writing, there's something so special that I love about setting aside intentional time to separate myself from the world, and to share what is going on in my mind, heart, and every day life with the people whom I truly care about. So, without further ado...

The other night I was talking to my boyfriend Seth, and I ended up asking him for a little bit of his perspective on what he thinks I should talk about in my next blog post. There were so many things that I felt like I could write about, and I was having such a difficult time honing in on what exactly I wanted to discuss. Naturally, we sort of veered off from my original question, and the next morning I was left with yet still no clue as to what I truly felt led to blog about. It's always just come to me. I sit down, I listen to the birds, I sip my coffee, and everything just always seems to flow. For some reason, I came to this one a little bit differently. Difficulty and intentionally, yet beautifully. This time, it came to me in tears. It came to me as I stood crouched over my bed with my fists clenched onto my sheets, with no words coming out of my mouth, but silent cries to the Lord while listening to "A Little Longer" by Jenn Johnson (the live version... trust me). It came to me in a moment where folding my laundry turned into a revelation, and it came to me when I was absolutely least expecting it.

For a while now, I have slowly began to feel somewhat forgotten, or rather, unconsidered. Like the Lord has sort of put me on the back burner while everyone else's lives seem to be coming together and going "their way" if you will. While I am over here simply trudging through the sludge, only to get to somewhere that I am not even certain of what will be. I know deep in my heart of hearts that He DOES care and that my feelings and emotions have overridden any biblical truth on the matter, but nevertheless, I've allowed myself to come to terms with this. My boyfriend lives in San Diego, so there isn't much need for explanation there. He does a wonderful job, but it's tough to balance two time zones, opposing schedules, busy jobs, and everything else that comes with a good ol' long distance relationship. Anyways, most of my siblings are living in Dallas, working together, hanging out together, making plans together, and as secure as I am in my relationships with them, I would be lying if I said that I don't experience extreme cases of FOMO (fear of missing out... I guess that's a thing now) every now and then. I'm also living with my aunt and am currently still on the lookout for a place to stay while her two children are back for the Summer, I have no idea what happens after graduation (where I will live, what I will do, and so on) and on top of that, my best friend is the busiest woman in the world. None of this is truly terrible, but I think after a while it begins to add up, and I've simply started wondering why/accepting the fact that things really haven't been going "my way" and will probably continue not to for a while.

I didn't realize it until yesterday afternoon while listening to that song on repeat, that slowly but surely I have let the evil one convince me that I am hardly a thought in anyone else's mind. Not even that I am undeserving, but that I am simply not even of consideration. That people are busy, the Lord is there but I've just got to deal with the given circumstances whether I like it or not, that I must find contentment in this feeling of insignificance, and my goodness I could not have accepted a bigger lie. The lyrics that triggered every fickle emotion in my being yesterday afternoon were these:

"You don't have to do a thing 
Just simply be with me 
and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute
Wait, this moment is too sweet 
Would you please stay here here with me
And love on me a little longer
Cause I like to be with you a little longer
I love to be with you a little longer
Cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you"

I wasn't aware of how desperate I was to hear these words from someone. Not just any someone, but from Whom it meant the most. I am so desired, cherished, treasured, sought after, pursued, and prioritized. I am a child of the most high God, and even if I were not even a mere thought in anyone else's mind, I am His first and most treasured thought during every second of every day- He simply wants time with me. He wants me of all people to love on Him a little longer, and that simple yet powerful truth ravished my soul. As difficult as that is to remember at times, when this world and it's harsh ways so desperately desire to make nothing of us, remember with me... We have an ever powerful Father who is sustaining every breath of every little thing on this planet, and He considers us. He considers us above all else. Remember that with me, and let go of the lies that satan is so easily entangling you with. We are His, and we are enough for Him.