A Shrinking Circle

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24

Lately, I've been in this sort of deep thinking daze. To the point where it's actually a struggle having to constantly remind myself to be present in a busy and "people filled" setting. It's been a wonderful blessing being able to come home to Minnesota and get away from the usual city of Chicago, photography/art projects and work schedule. Plus, its always a bonus not having to pay for a lovely cup of coffee every morning. Although I'm trying to cut back, because I whole-heartedly believe I've become an extreme addict. Anyways, within the last couple of months I've been blessed with the opportunity to realize something. That my "circle" is getting smaller. 

At first, this was something that was not okay with me. I went from thinking having tons of shallow relationships was the way to go, to being able to count my friends on two fingers. My dad always told me growing up to be careful who I chose to befriend, and the smaller amount of friends I had was probably the better. "You're extremely lucky if you even find one" he always said. Of course I thought to myself, "Well, I must be pretty dang lucky… or maybe just really cool... cause I have all of these wonderful friends!" Then, a few years pass, they change, I change, and not one of those people do who I talk to, or even know. I continue evaluating the few relationships that I have now, and am amazed at how right the wise people that had counseled me over the years were. 

Sometimes you find yourself working so hard to make certain relationships work, when sometimes like my mother told me a couple days ago, "The best thing you can do is give the gift of goodbye". You may be heading in a different direction, down a different path, and you can't let the desire for the comfit of a big circle hold you back. We find ourself combative, fighting for these friendships that have run their course. We think, "Wait, I don't have that big of a circle, what weddings will I be invited to? What fun little get togethers am I going to be apart of if I only have one or two ACTUAL friends?" Or maybe that's just my crazy thought process. Either way, this is a problem. This world is so persistent on throwing at us the message of how important it is to have your group of gossip girls, fun little cocktail nights spent talking about this and that & him and her. And honestly sometimes a big group of friends is not promoted as a bad thing, nor am I saying it is one bit! What I am saying is that finding our security in a "big circle" and not being able to realize that letting go of certain relationships that are unhealthy, or whose season may be over, is an issue that may need some tending to.

I've come to the realization that my circle is small, and will continue getting smaller the more that I step into the young woman that the Lord is calling me to be. Very few people are headed down the course that He has mapped out for us. It is a very narrow road, a very specific calling that each and every one of us are capable of receiving. However, very very few are going to take it. When you choose to live your life in a certain manor that will look very different from those around you, when you walk very close to Him and remain in His will, you're going to lose people. It's just going to happen. People will not always understand, and when you are blessed in this life or the next, maybe they will. However, maybe they wont. And that's okay! It's not an easy path all of the time, but it is absolutely a rewarding one. He WANTS to bless us, and although it looks like such a narrow and difficult road to continue down, there is no better one out there. If your circle is getting smaller and a little bit of fear and insecurity comes with that, embrace it! Keep it up. You will be blessed and you should be proud. If your circle needs to become smaller, let it be. Make those tough decisions and have those difficult conversations. The closer you get to the top, the further you climb up the latter, the less you can take along with you. 

It is going to be lonely sometimes, it may even be lonely for seasons at a time. He sees it, He understands and He is constantly with us, encouraging us and just WAITING to bless us immensely. So don't be afraid of small circles, don't be afraid of being hungry for deeper relationship and intimacy with the Lord. You have the tools to make it happen, and He will be right there with you through the tough, difficult, fearful and lonely times so you may be able to experience the abundant life that He has for you, and that only few get to experience. So keep it up, and push on. Embrace your tiny circle, and if need be, eliminate to create one. 

Strive for Triangle

Strive for Triangle

The ways of this world as the bible says is a consistent pattern. It is repeated, mundane, bland and consistent. Think of a pattern- circle, square, circle, square, circle, square, triangle, square, circle, square. You caught something. Didn’t you? Did the word “circle” all of the sudden catch you off guard? No. None of the circles or squares were significant. It was the triangle that you noticed, and that is exactly how we are called to live.

Many times, we can forget whom we represent. It’s unbelievable to me how closely we are being watched, because of a simple statement like “I am a Christian.” Sadly there are multiple versions of what that statement really means. However, fortunately the Lord has laid it out very precisely as to the way that statement ought to be lived out. Sometimes it becomes easy to forget that our lives are a representation of something and someone way bigger than us. The way we respond, the way we respect authority, the way we forgive, honor our parents, respect our spouses, the list goes on and on. We can become lackadaisical with our everyday routine in life, and tend to forget that we are living examples of the Lord. Therefore we need to be more conscious and intentional of the way that we live.

From our modesty, to our talk, to our attitudes; every little aspect of life needs to be filtered through the Word of God. One of the hardest things to do is to discipline our minds to focus on things above. In the natural, when someone hurts us, we hurt back. In the natural, when we’re tired, we act lazy. In the natural, everybody else is doing it; we do it. These are all natural causes and therefore natural effects. We need to remind ourselves that we are not called to work in the natural. He is a supernatural God, and that’s where our minds are to be set. Our minds are not to be set on the ways of this world. We don't respond as this world responds. We don't talk like this world talks. We rise above and do not conform to the PATTERNS of this world. He came down to this earth and set an incredible example for us to go off of.

We are called to be a light in a dark world, the salt of the earth. When you think of these terms taken from the Bible, they are all referencing to one main idea. We are called to stand out, and when we strive to be different according to the Word, we will begin to look different. The Word will grab ahold of your life and He will do the transforming from the inside out. We have someone absolutely incredible to represent. He has saved us from the ultimate consequence of our sin by sending his one and only son to take our place. His unending mercy and grace is our driving force that pushes us towards becoming more like Jesus, so we can further His kingdom and show others what He has done for his beloved. Go out and make disciples of men, and let our lives be a living example, sacrifice and representation of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ.

Turn to Him

Sometimes, I just feel weak. I don't feel like waking up and reading the bible or sometimes even a short little devotional like Jesus Calling. I don't have the words to say to the Lord, so I just lay. I lay and stare. Not taking the time to examine my heart as to why I feel nothing. Sometimes my insides feel weak. Sometimes I'm on a roll and I feel as though my relationship with the Lord is going awesome. Answered prayers here and there, I "feel" in tune, close and ready to righteously combat anything that comes my way. Then life happens again. You don't get that job offer you were so confidently praying for & therefore expecting, you had a rough argument with a friend, your house is a mess, something negative was said about you, you're just plain old exhausted, something happened. Anything happened, or nothing happened. Either way, you just cant bring yourself to "feel" anything other that simply nothing towards the Lord.

We all have these moments. I promise you. One of the most important things that I needed to realize was that I am not alone. All I want to do sometimes is try to run away from God, simply out of shame because I fear that I am not measuring up to 90% of the other believers who seem to never have to distant feeling moments. However in my walk? They seem to be more so often than not. One of the things I am working on is not trying to hide myself (which is impossible) or turn and ignore the Lord when I feel unpleasing or non-glorifying. Satan works extremely hard to steer our minds towards anything other than the Lord when we feel like He may be disappointed with us. Satan wants us to feel ashamed, guilty and distant.

Something I am still trying to grasp daily is His grace. How big it is, how real it is and how very strong it is. We sometimes don't fully comprehend the concept of grace, simply because we aren't used to receiving it, or giving it. There are so many characteristics of God that can sometimes be difficult to wrap our minds around. We look up at Him in fear, feeling helpless and so little when we sin, and all He wants to do is grab us, hold us tight and tell us that everything is going to be okay. Yes, He is the God of judgment and justice and we should fear Him with a reverent fear continually. However, He is also the God of comfort. A comfort that only He is able to give. He is the God of peace, a peace that surpasses all understanding. He is love. A love that never fails. Despite every feeling we have ever had to NOT come to Him in worship and in prayer, despite every sin we have ever sinned and will sin, despite our tendencies to run away from the only God who will be able to fully forgive and satisfy our need for that reassuring feeling, despite it all, that love isn't going anywhere. Although it's important to keep those very strong characteristics in mind, the other soft, gracious and merciful characteristics are just as important, if not more. The entire gospel is abounding in grace. The last thing He desires for us is to turn away, feel guilty and shameful, ending up even more distant which is exactly what satan wants for us.

Instead, come to Him in complete honesty. He understands! He created us. He knows we aren't going to "feel" like doing absolutely anything some days! He knows every one of our situations. He is saying "Trust me. I know, beloved. Grab my hand and let me help you. Let's do this together." There is no condemnation in Him. That is the truth. Our desire for Him comes from Him, therefore our feelings are irrelevant. Sometimes I have to come to Him and say "Lord, I am weak, I feel gross, I am tired, I don't feel like praying, I don't feel like reading, I don't feel like becoming more like you I just want to sit and cry. Give me a desire. Please Lord, even though my flesh may not even want one. Lord strengthen me, give me a willingness and a strong desire to sit in your presence and worship you, talk with you and learn from you." He will bless that! I promise. So when you have those seasons of feeling completely complacent and lazy, hurt, bitter, tired, keep in mind all of His characteristics as a whole and remember that He is always pursuing us. He wants to walk with us, He wants to comfort us and allow us to feel His grace and love. Because it is bigger than anything we will ever imagine or know of. It's more real than anything we have ever felt before, and He wants that for us. We have to be open to it, we have to step out of our comfort zone, we have to discipline ourselves to remain where we are standing and say "God, I am weak but strengthen me now." and with everything inside of me I know that He will.

Who am I Trying to Please?

So, recently in many different areas, I have been really struggling with is people pleasing. Also known as the approval of man or fear of man. I've actually surprised myself lately with how often I am concerned with what people will think of me. Weather it be my family, people I have been affiliated with in the past, my very close friends or even people I don't know at all! In some way, I find myself frequently worrying myself or concerning myself with the way other people see me. When you really think about it, there is so much pressure that goes along with pleasing people. How exhausting is it to have to uphold all of these different people's views of you?! There are so many different areas in which I struggle with this sin. Yes, sin. 

Before I explain, let me give you a couple of referenaces that may be able to help you understand as to why the approval of man is completely wrong. Galations 1:10 "Am I now trying to win the approval of man or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." This verse is a difficult one to really grasp and take in. It's sort of like trying to worship two Gods. You just can't! It isn't possible. If you are trying to win the approval of man, then there is no way you are trying to please God as well. It's humanly impossible. However, why must we not desire the approval of man? Because like the Word touches on multiple times, such as in Matthew 10:28 it says "Do not fear those who can kill the body but cannot kill the soul, but rather fear the one who can destroy both body and soul in hell." This sounds a little harsh, but either way my point is that what can mere man do?! We desire so badly to please the very people whose opinion matters none! When we find our security and our confidence in other people, we will fail. Desiring to please people will take such a toll on the way that you act, think, dress, talk, practically live! It is such a trap and it simply deteriorates us.  

When we are under the approval of man, we are being run by them. They are in control in essence of what we so "choose" to do. No longer are we under the control of the Lord, but we allow our lives to be in control of those around us, whose opinions at the end of the day mean absolutely nothing. It is one of the hardest things for me to do in all honestly. I am viewed strongly by many people as someone who doesn't mind what people think about me, and in all honesty at times the Lord grants me that strength but in other times like lately, that couldn't be further from the truth. For example, having 5 girls in the family is a PARTY to say the least. However at the same time, along with that comes much comparing, jealously and judgment. I allow myself to get into my head, and as a result end up stressing myself out rather than simply enjoying my siblings company. So many times I find myself trying to prove something to them. You would think that because of the fact that they're family, that you wouldn't have to prove a thing, but instead family is probably the hardest place to start. They know you. They know your triggers, weaknesses, failures, your rawness, they know it all. To try to prove to your family something different than what they have seen for the majority of your life is one of the most difficult things to do, as well as a waste of time. Yes. A complete and total, not to mention foolish waste of time. 

I can sometimes catch myself wanting so badly to paint a picture of myself containing no faults, no mess-ups, no areas of failure or uncertainty, just perfection. When I do this, I completely take away my sole purpose for surviving on this earth, and that is to extend His kingdom. When I indulge myself on pleasing the people around me, I am drawing no one to Christ, but to myself. In turn, I become so weary for absolutely no reason. I exhaust myself, and only end up feeling terrible about me as a person. My body, my talents, my skin, my style, my intelligence, and not just to my family but to all. Feeling as though you need to talk or at a certain way for a young man to even give you a second look, to have to over-spiritualize something to gain a certain amount of respect from a friend, to focus hours on what you're planning to wear the next day to prove to Lord knows who, that you know what you're doing when it comes to style. Everything becomes so self centered when we focus so much on what others around us are thinking. 

As believers, we need to get to a point where we stop worrying about what he or she thinks, but solely what the Lord thinks. We need to train and transform our minds to be only focused on what God thinks about us, about our hearts, to forget about proving something to everyone else, to let go of the way you feel you are perceived, and let the Lord begin to do a work in your life to the point where it becomes inevitable that something about you is different, and in turn bring glory to HIM instead of ourselves. If we do this thing biblically, it all makes perfect sense. If we are focused on what the Lord thinks of us, we then begin to know our worth. We don't have to prove anything to anyone because we become so secure in Him and what He thinks of us, how worthy we are and pleasing we are to Him, that we are finally able to release any insecurity dealing with our piers and what they may have to say. Because at the end of the day, none of that matters. 

None of what other people think about you is important. The Lord will begin to change you, which in turn will change other people's minds and perceptions of you. Let Him do the work because He can handle it. There is no way we're able to keep up with reaching all of these different people's expectations. We're going to mess up! We're going to fail, and instead of stressing yourself out about what he or she thinks, begin to train your mind to forget about what everyone thinks, and focus on serving, trusting and pleasing the only one who's opinion matters. You are so capable! I'm not saying it's an easy thing to do, and if you struggle with people pleasing like I did for many years, and time to time still do, it's no easy fix. However, the Lord desires nothing more than you. Your efforts and your best. No one else deserves that. I promise if you begin to put down the fear of man and work on your fear of God, then the change that you wouldn't have ever been able to do in your own power and efforts alone, will begin to take place. Let's do this!

Stop, Drop & Lay

I apologize in advanced if this post is in any way difficult to follow! It took a while for me to gather all of my thoughts and emotions to create a blog post. However, here we go! This past week I was able to prep my house for an overflow of company, interview for, and luckily land a job as well as finishing my last semester of school for this year. God is good. As this lovely family and fun filled weekend comes to a close, I've definitely gotten the opportunity to recognize a few things. It's always great for me to see what things I need to work on. Living by myself, I get plenty of time to see what I love to do, what I don't love to do, my strengths, weaknesses and struggles. When you're by yourself, you'll always end up doing what you want to do. You'll listen to what you want to listen to, watch what you desire to watch, you get a little bit of time to figure out who you are in the company of only yourself. Over this past year, I've gotten to learn a bit about me. One of the things I've gotten the opportunity to learn was how important intentional time with the Lord is rather than simply, "time." 

As exciting and wonderful as it always is to have family here, I definitely recognized how easily stressed out and overwhelmed I became due to the comfortability of being on my own for so long. There are not many things I love more than getting to host a bunch of family. However, it was so easy for me to fall back into a little "funk."I quickly realized how little I had been in the Word in the midst of my busy week and how quickly and easily it affected my attitude, mindset and heart. Instead of my focus remaining on Him, I could see myself more and more being dragged into a focus of comparison, stress and frustration. 

It was the morning that my sister had driven to Einstein Bagels, only to realize that she had forgotten the money at home. Therefore she called, and as I grudgingly drove to hand over her wallet, the Lord immediately convicted me of my attitude. Not only in that moment, but throughout the entire weekend. Things such as my quick temper, lack of patience and selfishness had come to mind, and I very clearly felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to pull myself together. He had then graciously planted a lovely idea into my mind. On my way back from Einsteins, I was desperate to stop and spend any amount of time with Him that I could. I had come to the end of my rope, and needed to do something about it. Thankfully, the absolutely beautiful lookout over the lake right across from my house, was finally put to good use. I parked my car and put on some good worship music and sat in silence, asking the Lord to forgive my neglect towards Him, and my heart towards other things. It was the biggest breath of fresh air. 

In my relationship with Him, there is a huge difference between time with Him, and intentional time with Him. The standard and mundane routine runs it's course after a while, and I very quickly feel myself becoming spiritually thirsty for something more. Sometimes, something different. My divine intervention with the Lord that morning allowed me to realize something very important. Something that I need to remind myself of daily. The fact that I so desperately and more than anything else, need the Lord. In every way, during every single minute of my day, no matter what. The no matter what part it sort of the most difficult to really carry out, though it is very possible. I felt as though because things were going alright, I could put Him in the back seat. Little did I know that what was left as a result of that, was a bad attitude and an unwilling spirit.

Learning to become more and more disciplined with my intentional time with the Lord with all of the time that I have, has been such a wonderful experience, as well as a learning struggle. It breaks my heart to think how easily I can put my relationship with him in the back seat. Even unknowingly sometimes! However, I am loving every bit of revelation and growth that I get to experience on this journey to figuring it out. All in all, this weekend was obviously incredible. The joy and love that resinates in the room while family is here is absolutely undeniable. I just cant express to you how crucial it is for us to never let satan carry out his plans, which always include pulling us away in spirit from the peace that we experience when our minds are fully focused on Him. Don't be afraid to lie in His presence alone. To drive by yourself to that beautiful look out and just vent to Him, to sit on the swinging chair on the porch and talk with Him, or simply get in the shower and sing to Him. Don't allow your fear, laziness or stress get in the way of that. He is listening and He is in love with you. Every little ounce of intentional time that you set apart, every spontaneous moment that belong to glorifying Him, He absolutely adores. 

As much as it is a blessing and a joy to sit at the feet of God, it is also a necessity- our daily bread. We cannot extend joy if we do not have it. We cannot extend peace, nor love, nor patience, nor any good thing, if we have not been supplying it and receiving it from the one who freely gives it. Do not be hesitant to stop, drop and lay at His feet. It's absolutely a win, win. As for me? I'll be cleaning up the remains as a result of the Singletary clan crashing at my place. It's time to rejuvenate and of course as I've been mentioning, get a much needed and lovely fix of my Lord to end a start the week. If your lack of patience, your confusion, fear, anxiety, stress and frustration seem to be creeping on in, simply remember to run to Him. The one who comforts, gives rest, the one who can be trusted, who loves you more than you will ever understand, and the one who absolutely adores spending time with the raw, broken and weary you. Stop letting whatever it is get in the way, and begin or continue chasing after what your mind, body and spirit need the most. 

Get Up & Get On!

I think now is the time you all discover a portion of my forgetfulness & inconsistency. It's been way too long since I've posted. However, I've been doing a ton of thinking & decided that this bit would maybe be of some help to people who feel as though life is sort of happening all around them, while you are sort of waiting for your next chapter.

Recently my wonderful older brother Matt moved in with me for a few short months to train, in hopes for a position on one of the teams (that I cannot pronounce & surely cannot spell) in Canada. It was a lovely blessing having him around. Getting to experience him in a different light, being able to get vulnerable with each other, and play a tiny part in the growth that we had the chance to experience together. Nonetheless, while he is training, every single day, I was not. In fact I felt as though he were preparing himself for something magnificent, and I was simply watching. I encountered this same feeling when my sister had no less that 500 stories to tell me about her incredible boyfriend (I am so happy for them, I promise!) and the many adventures she went on with her friends, so basically in my mind I am comparing her life to the absence of mine.

To me, I sought for justification. In this case, it was that my situation was different. In all its entirety, it sure is. I'm not surrounded by people who are on the same mission as I am, I don't find many people with the same interests nor general mindset as mine, nor do I live in regulated community. In my mind, living by myself and not having the accessible opportunity to create genuine bonds with the people around me due to my one hour commute to school, was enough for me to justify in my mind the fact that I was in fact watching my life pass me by. Not only that, but envying those around me whose lives seemed to be headed towards something lovely.

I sat, complained, even pleaded with the Lord to set up some type of upcoming event that I would be able to look forward to, simply to erase this feeling of complacency and dissatisfaction. It wasn't until I listened to these sermons that my dad had sent me. One by Creflo Dollar, called 'The Solution for Singleness' & another series titled 'A Satisfied Woman' by T.D. Jakes. Judging by the titles, I'm sure you've already picked up on the fact that my father is probably very content with the fact that I am the only one in my family without a significant other. He's got these tapes, books and podcasts on speed delivery!

As I sat there and listened to these tapes, I recognized something vitally important. Something that I had already known, yet had forgotten. No matter what stage in life I may be in, weather I am 20 years old waiting for the next big thing, or 90 years old. I am on this earth for a purpose. Waking up and feeling as though everything around me is happening for others, during the time I thought it would be happening for myself is no reason to settle into a state of discouragement. The minute I do this, I take things out of the Lord's hands. Little by little, I needed to find my purpose again. Find motivation, discipline and drive, to become closer and closer to the things the Lord has in store for me. We are always preparing. No matter where our current stage in life may be, we need to remain in preparation mode. Sitting around my house wondering and waiting is no longer an option. I believe whole heartedly that the Lord has wonderful things in store for those who love Him and desire to do His will.

So. It's been a rough and dry couple of weeks, but due to prayer and a little motivation from the Word, I've become much more aware of the duties that I have as a young woman. It's a fight to find motivation and inspiration. Things can get mundane and your mind can easily wonder to a place of discouragement and dissatisfaction. I'm telling you, don't let it! You have full authority over your thoughts and what you choose to dwell them on. The more you sit and watch things happen around you, the harder it will become for you to stand up and start running with it. Change up your routine! Go for a walk and admire the beautiful creation around you instead of reading inside at your kitchen table. Worship the Lord with some music while you clean the house and sing your little heart out. Grab some coffee with a friend and fellowship. There are so many other options rather than sticking to your routine lifestyle. Find that inspiration that will begin successfully preparing you for the things ahead, and that will quickly begin taking your spiritual life to the next level. Go get em'!

"As for you brothers, do not grow weary in doing good." 2 Thessalonians 3:13