Oh, No She Didn't!

Have you ever literally wanted to just die... Sounds a little dramatic, but aren't we all. When some rather surprising news hit you, when something unexpected happens to you out of the blue, your lose someone close, you lose your job, money, a friend... You get in a horrific fight with your parents, a close friend, you feel betrayed in some way or another by someone... The list goes on and on regarding situations where we could "lose our cool" or according to 2 Timothy 4:5 "lose our head." The verse says this; "keep your head in all situations"... Easier said then done (somehow that phrase seems to make sense for 2/3 of the Bible's commands). When I think of "keeping your head" or in other words, not flipping out, not losing your mind, nor acting off of feeling & circumstance, but keeping grounded in your heart and mind we deal with the certain situation according to the word. With wisdom, patience, understanding, hope, love, & most difficultly, joy.

Since were in the month of December, which obviously means CHRISTMAS!!!!! Let's talk about Joseph for a second. A man who was indeed righteous. Who desired nothing less than the Lord's will for his life. Who dedicated his life solely to the Lord according to the Word, and last but not least, devoted himself & his soon to be wife to complete & total purity through courting (dating) & through the engagement. Think about this for a second, because its unbelievable how well he handles his feelings when his fiancé comes to him saying "Joseph I'm pregnant!!" How in the world would you feel, how would you respond? It's a fair question. I mean, complete purity. So HE knows that it aint his! Mary can go on & on to tell him about how she didn't sleep with another man, how it was from the Lord (which now a days, I would probably slap someone if that had been their excuse)... I'm sure Josephs mind was racing, not eve fully paying attention to the words coming out of Mary's mouth beyond "I'm pregnant". Listen to this though, what did he do? He didn't want to publicly disgrace her, or make a fool out of her, so without even knowing/believing it was from the Lord, he decided to break off the engagement secretly. FOR HER SAKE! What a mighty fine man, huh? Now, obviously the story goes on, the Lord tells Joseph to marry her, and being the obedient man of God he was, he watched a pregnant woman walk down the aisle, and took her hand in marriage, trusting and hoping that this baby was indeed of the Lord. Long story so, so short, look what happened. The son of God was born, with the help of Joseph. What an unimaginable thing to witness and be apart of. All because Joseph didn't lose his mind, & he abided by scripture.

When it comes to us & our every day situations, I think that Joseph really set the bar on this one. Some of us are going through an extremely tough time, maybe we put ourselves in the situation, maybe we were thrown into it, or just measled our way into it... Either way, praise the Lord because it doesn't matter how we got there. The Word says that He works out EVERY situation for the GOOD of those who love Him. It doesn't say every situation that we got thrown into by other people, or every situation that sin didn't cause you to get there... but EVERY situation. Period. How amazing? For those of us who are in some sort of tough situation, whatever it is. I mean WHATEVER it may be, physically, spiritually, emotionally, huge, small, stand on that verse. Romans 8:28, and understand that just because we may have gotten our own selves there, or we had on control over the situation, it doesn't mean that the Lord won't use that situation for amazing things.

For those of us who were thrown into certain situations, where it wasn't sin that got us there, it is amazing to know that in Genesis 50:20 it says, "What they intended for evil, Lord You intended for good"in other words, no matter what, the Lord has your best interest & will use other peoples hard hearts and harmful ways towards you, for wonderful things. This is a win, win situation. Like most times, we can always lose our minds, regret way too much of what we had said or how we had handled a situation. We could sulk, sit & cry, expecting no good from any situation, or we could stand of 2 Timothy and keep our heads. We can remain sober minded at all times, thinking of the wisest way to deal with each circumstance we may encounter. It's not an easy thing to do, but it's something that we are absolutely capable of doing. The more and more we learn to trust the Lord and realize that no matter what is going on, He has a divine purpose ALWAYS, and no matter what, He is using that certain situation for lovely things, the easier it becomes to stand on the word in tough times.

Like Joseph, we never know what we could be missing. What could be ahead of us, or what gifts and blessings we may miss out on due to our lashing out. I'm sure Joseph wanted badly to say "screw you" to Mary and find someone who in his mind was telling the truth about remaining pure, but he didn't, did he... He remained standing on the word, sober minded and obedient to the Lord, and He surely blessed that. Let's learn to choose joy in every circumstance and trust in the Lord that everything going on, is for a wonderful purpose that He has in mind, because He loves us. We are all capable!

What's Modesty?

So, is it just me, or when you think of the word "modesty" do words like chivalry, celibacy... basically words that are kind of unheard now-a-days come to mind? It seems like this outrageous "no need for clothing" movement of 2012 is more dangerous than most would be cognizant of. I remember sitting amongst several 15 & 16 year old young ladies, baffled after realizing how influential we as young people can be, simply by our dress. Mostly speaking for the women, it can be extremely difficult to decifer our motifs behind dressing. 

This topic has interested me for a while, and after reading few books on the issue, I've come to realize a few things. 1. How powerful we as young women are when it comes to guarding the hearts of our brothers in Christ. 2. There is always an underlying issue as to why we may feel the need to "dress to attract" in order to feel attractive. 3. MEN'S SPIRITS DO NOT WANT IT. Yes, their flesh may be LOVING it, but their spirits are indeed disturbed. I used to look in the mirror and find myself dressing for certain people. Different kinds of people. This also meant, many different phases of not so cute... but hey, I think I took all the crap that was rightfully deserved after walking out of the house with a flat billed hat, a ripped up wife beater, my huge brothers old, baggy & multi colored jeans, and some pink high top Chuck Taylors. That particular friend group I yearned to please? I have absolutely no idea. But before I get off track, I was always trying to look attractive to a certain people in some way or another. Which is not bad whatsoever, though when we are trying to bring attention to ourselves somehow, this is where it becomes a problem. 

We are all familiar with the common term "vanity", but we rarely discuss the issues of causing others to stumble. Men are visual creatures, period.  We ought to always be cautious of NOT desiring the attraction from men that causes them to stumble, simply out of love. Rarely do we think about respect as a means to other women's husbands, boyfriends, or most importantly the Lord's growing men. We are told in 1 Corintheans 8:13 "Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall." Weather we like it or not, we as believers are called to not only look out for ourselves and our own issues and concerns, but for others as well. That means that  if I am wearing a semi low cut shirt that was considered acceptably modest, and one young man is having an issue with it, it does not become sin until you are notified by him, and become aware of the fact that it is causing him to stumble. At this point, if you do not do something about it, this is indeed sin. The best way personally to go about KNOWING you are in the safe zone, is simply being above reproach. We as young women hold the key when it comes to this whole visual/modesty thing. We have more power than we think. Though when it comes down to it, it is our husbands ONLY, that deserve to see you in your skin alone. Our body's are not our own to flaunt around and show off. If this is our mindset towards dressing, this is when it becomes a heart issue.

When I used to look in the mirror and decide what to wear, the attention it would bring to me and my body was a huge factor. Why? Many reasons. To name a few, I was extremely insecure. Therefore, hearing uplifting, fleshly compliments would always seem to satisfy temporarily and boost my confidence. I also struggled with pride and vanity. I was easily intimidated due to my insecurity, so if I could be best dressed and my body & looks would be able to please the men around me, I was doing something right... WRONG! This was a total wrong mindset. A destructive one. It took much time for me to realize my worth, my importance and all this did was create this false so called truth in my mind that all I had to me was my outer appearance. I still to this day am a firm believer of young women coming to terms with how valuable they are as young ladies in Christ. Your body is a temple of the Lord that is only to be "shown off" with the lucky man you end up spending the rest of your short life with! No man deserves an ounce of your flawless skin. This was a mindset that took years to develop, but I have to say if there was one thing I wish all women could understand/exercise , this would be it. 

To wrap this up, I believe it is so important to know that it is our duty as young women, our job to encourage and respect the young men of God, instead of making it THAT much more difficult that it clearly already is in this day and age. If he is in Christ, there is a tug and pull for his spirit. It is vital that we do everything we can to keep their eyes on Christ, rather than on our belly button rings, cleavage & butt cracks. Just like we have many struggles and desire to stay focused, we need to respect the desire of men to grow fervent in their relationship with the Lord and do as little as possible to detour that. In my opinion, there is no "How to" guide to dress modestly. All I can say is that a bandeau and some cheetah print, see through leggings may not be your besssssttt bet. When it comes down to it, it honestly depends. I've had young men who have said that tank tops under shirts draw attention to your chest, leggings & yoga pants are a big one, visible bra straps, Nike tempos, it all depends who you are around. Like I said, just be aware. Take the above reproach route and it will serve you well. Pray and ask the Lord for wisdom and He will surely bless you in that, but surely if you struggle with desiring attention from men, or even people in general. Pray and ask the Lord to reveal to you your worth. Meditate on verses and really come to terms with how valuable you are in Christ. Remember that we are not our own! We have a job and responsibility as believers to look out for the hearts of others. Let's do so and start with good ol' modesty!

Wait, Where is Everybody?

So. For a little update on the life of a broke, lonely college student, I've decided to fill you in with a rather informative yet encouraging post. I have to say that coming to Chicago has been one of the most exciting decisions that the Lord has brought me to... for many different reasons. One being that my younger sister Brooke is attending Wheaton. We never really had the strongest relationship due to past issues, but instead of dealing with them, we brushed them aside and they began to pile up. Soon enough, we were literally walking on egg shells to not get into a disagreement with each other. Long story short, one of the reasons I know the Lord wanted me here was so that I could grow in my relationship with her, because for some reason (that I remain unaware of) it is an important one, and boy has the Lord been at work. She has become if not, one of my best friends. Anther reason I feel like the Lord brought me here is to be at my oldest sister Kristen's expense. I want to be willing to help and be there for her whenever she may need. That may or may not have anything to do with the fact that I also want myself to be Brooklynne's favorite Auntie! Just kidding, but really. Having little birdie around makes it all the more enjoyable. And lastly, my most... Non favorite reason as to why I am here, but favorite (you'll understand momentarily) is the fact that the Lord had told me a while before coming here, that I would be "alone". Now at the time I had no idea what this meant. Would I live alone, not know anyone or have friends, would I just be loneLY, never in the world was I expecting it to be all of the above! Although because He had informed me ahead of time, I was slightly prepared which I praise the Lord for often. Even still, I had no idea it was going to be like this. There is not one person that I know nor am friends with, within almost an hour from me. At school, let's just say I better be a bearer of light, cause I feel as though there is not one sane person NOT trying to get me high or take me out. You know, cause I'm "not living". But aside from all that, I sit here in my little ADORABLE town house, wishing I had my sisters, or my mother, even my father to sit and simply talk with me. Looking forward to any possible moment that I can be surrounded by community, family, friends... just people. Though recently with the Lords help, I came to a conclusion. It took many conversations and realizations to get to this point, but one thing I realized was that the amount of comfort that I desired to find in people, was unhealthy. All of my life, I have found comfort in people... either going through the same thing, having gone through it before, even simple advice that I already contained in my mind, hearing it from someone else seemed to validate it. If something went wrong, if I was feeling bad about something, if I was hurt, scared, frustrated, I went to people whom I desired comfort from. People who I knew cared about me, and had my best interest at heart. After a little revelation and a lot of prayer, the Lord began to uncover the fact that me not going to Him for comfort was a problem. It was something that I hadn't really realized. I sat and thought to myself, why would I not go to Him for comfort. He created it, He is the God of comfort, He loves me more than anything and cares for me more than I could ever fathom, so why on earth would I not go to Him to "feel better" and my answer appeared instantly. All of us want instant gratification. Satisfaction in that very moment. I began to think of every time I asked the Lord to take a stomach ache away, give me peace, heal my nana, mend a relationship, how the prayers either seemed unanswered, even unheard. So instead of going to the Father of all these things, I went to people. I called my best friend, my mother, my father. Well after listening to a sermon that I feel was directed right at me, the Lord began to show me that He was removing these crutches that stopped me from going to Him. Not just for comfort, but for everything! He cares for us. I always fail to remember that He knows what is best for us. He loves me more than anything, and He is going to give me His best. He is the first one I need to be going to if I am in any need of comfort. His yolk is easy and His burden is light. Instead of going to people to feed my hunger for instant satisfaction, I know that it's time to go to the Lord, simply because I trust Him. Because He has shown me that He is a jealous God and He will do whatever it takes for His child to come to Him. To yearn for Him. Weather it be to send my other half to Toledo, OH, having my busy, hard working parents live 6 hours away, sending one of my best friends to stinkin' Costa Rica (with no phone), and have me all lonesome in this amazing blessing of a home, He will do whatever it takes so that I, His daughter whom He is absolutely infatuated with can find comfort, confidence and reassurance going to Him. Don't get me wrong, having accountability, friends and family to comfort you in troubled times is amazing. We are called to lift each other up, to take each others burdens, but when He is no where in the mix of people we are going to, and far from the first? It will shortly become a problem. So all in all, being "lonely" isn't so bad. After all, it isn't so lonely the more and more I choose to become rooted in the Word. Instead of sulking, I take the time granted to me to really get to know the indescribable character of the Lord. To trust in Him and to remember that He has my best interest at heart. Also to remember and keep in mind, that sometimes instant satisfaction is the opposite of what we really need.

A Sister Shout-out

Living alone in a beautiful little town house that my parents were gracious enough to trust me with, has fortunately allowed me much time to think (and eat unfortunately). Therefore, lately what has been prevalent on my mind is the loveliness of having my sistaaas. I used to selfishly think to myself, why couldn't I be an only child (with the mindset of getting more toys) it seems so fun, and free and what not. Well to this day, I will never cease to thank God for the family I have been tremendously blessed with. Don't believe me? Let me explain.

We have the lovely Kristen. Also known as "Kiki" or "our second mother". Growing up, if you needed pity or someone to stand up to dad in order to get 2 spanks instead of 5. Kristen was the sister you prayed would be there! She has such a loving, motherly mindset about her that none of the Singletary girls could quite understand, but we love it nonetheless. She was also kind of the guinea pig for everything. I'll never forget the many conversations we have had with her on all the things that she has experienced in her past, as the oldest. The amount of wisdom she has towards things you would never think twice about is incredible, and if there were ever a sibling I would go to for comfort, it would be her. I was talking to my little sister Brooke last week, and we almost ran through every sibling. Kiki was the comforter. She is the type of person you just want to complain to, or get reassurance from. It's incredible how much better you feel after you receive the wise words or Kristen Calhoun. I will never forget sticking my legs through the banister, making up every excuse as to why she should be in bed, simply to keep me company when we shared a room. I'll never forget those days...I admired her, and I always will. She is so fun! Anytime I simply want to hang out, her presence is always enjoyed. There is never a dull conversation with her, and even though she is mid 20's, married AND has a gorgeous child, I will never get past the amazing sister that she will always be in my eyes. I couldn't have gotten through so much of my past if it weren't for her encouragement and verbal slaps in the face every now and then. She is one of the biggest blessings in my life, and always has been. 

Then comes Matt, but since were only talking about the lovely ladies here... Jillian! Jill and I have in our recent past had some... for lack of a better word "Issues" per say. Theres much that goes into it, but praise the Lord we are finally coming out of it. I've never doubted that our relationship was important. If Satan worked that hard to break us apart, there must be some meaning to it. Let's see. Jill is a sister that everyone MUST have. She's very independent. Strong. Can most definitely hold her own, but has a sensitive, genuine and sweet heart that not everyone gets the privilege of experiencing. Getting to experience both sides of that, being the one under her was a blessing. If there was one person in this family that I've learned from, it is her. The Lord used her to reveal many things inside of myself that needed to be changed. Not to mention, the incredible growth that I have gotten to see in her has been a blessing. It is crazy how one man stepped into her life, and how God used him to completely change her in nearly every way. Without a doubt it was initially the Holy Spirit who did the work, but every time I see her, more and more has positively changed in the way that I view her, and hopefully vice versa. Jill is and will remain one of the most important people in my life. We continue to work on our relationship and I know God has big plans for us that I am so excited to see. She is an amazing young woman who has grown so much, at such a young age. Weather she sees it or not, everyone else can and she deserves great things.

Then comes Brookie, B-Rock, Sunshine, Cranberry. My lovely, sexy sassy younger sister. I've been excited about typing this one. Oh goodness how God has worked through us! It has been WAY more than a privilege and joy getting to know, spend time with and grow with Brooke. Dad has always told us how important this relationship is, and how we needed to begin mending and working on it. Both of us had many things that needed to be dealt with first of all, personally, spiritually, emotionally and then between each other. Never would I have thought we would get to this amazing place. The conversations that we have had together, the time spent just getting to experience one another by ourselves and genuinely has been so beneficial to our relationship. Having difficult conversations, coming to terms with the fact that we are two completely different people with different views, and humbling ourself to see things, deal with things and understand each other in the ways that best fit each other has allowed us to really experience genuine love. I have never seen someone with more of a heart, and concern for others than Brooke. It always blew my mind how much she cared for her siblings and friends well being, just because. She is one of the few heroes that I have. I've loved getting to grow with her and see her as a person in a way that I never have. She is such a light without even seeing it, and I am astonished as to how close that we have gotten over the past few MONTHS! Brooke is someone I couldn't live without. We need each other and I can see that clearly now. If this much growth has happened in such a short time, I can only imagine a couple more years living here, only 45 minutes away from her. Not to mention, a salsa class I will be attending with her on Wheaton's campus next week. YAY! Brooke is a blessing. A perfect young woman that the Lord created to bless others, and that she will do. Weather she knows it or not, she's so smart (but really), hilarious and HOT! I love her to death and always will.

Then, last but not least. My little drama queen/diva. I am near a lost for words when it comes to "DQ". Not really though. Cause I can laugh at the simple thought of her. There is not many people that I would rather spend time with than her. Despite her insane "clean-freak/ germ-a-phobe issues" I will never stop needing my Becky time. I adore watching her grow into this beautiful young woman. One of my favorite things about Becky is her desire to do the Lord's will. It is so encouraging to see such a young girl really make sacrifices for the sake of her growth in the relationship with Christ. She is a wonderful example to her piers and the qualities of leadership she has within her are ones that I desire. She is such a strong woman who really is grounded with her beliefs, and are not afraid to enlighten someone on what is right, but is beyond loving and understanding, and knows when to simply love with your actions. She has always been there for me... when I needed a loving sister to pick me up and encourage, pray, even laugh with me. Becky is the sister I go to. Our family wouldn't be the same without her, and she totally knows it! She's awesome to talk to. Her realness and lack of fear being vulnerable definitely allows people to be real with her. I admire her honesty, but ability to cope and understand when your simply annoyed or irritated at something... which 99% of the time is due to your own fault. Yet, she will sympathize but encourage and work with you through it, with love. I smile when I think of times that we have had, conversations that were held, and laughs that were shared. No one is afraid to be themselves with a dash of crazy around Becky. And if you are, she'll bring it out of you! Although sometimes she may need to be lent a brown bag to breathe through due to her feisty diva ways, I wouldn't trade her for anything. I absolutely lover her and am beyond blessed to have a little/grown sissy like her.

Jealous yet? Clearly I am beyond blessed. I will never stop thanking the Lord for incredible sisters that I have. Who have been with me through everything. Hard times, and the worst times. Thankfully, we get to enjoy the beautiful, amazing fun times the Lord graces us with as well. I am so thankful for them and couldn't ask for better not only sisters, but people in my life that really know how to love. To look past the things that one has done, where they have been or what they have gone through. To see the best in them and not only love them though it, but help and grow them as well. I wouldn't be where I am today without them, they helped save my life and I will forever be grateful. I have the absolute best sisters in the world! The Singletary sister bond can never be broken. If Satan cant do it, good luck ;)

Lesson Learned

As an 8 year old, all I wanted to be was sweet, helpful and caring. Once 7th grade rolled around, those desires changed. The kind, tender, loving personality my father had commended me for, slowly began to fade away. One of the very few great things about moving around a lot, was the fact that I had many new opportunities to be whoever I wanted to be- to start over. So when I moved to California, I wanted to be known. I was never the prettiest or most popular in school, so I decided to make some sort of statement. What I had been doing clearly wasn't working, so it was time for a change. I began dressing like a thug, wearing clothes three times my size, and talking like I ran things, which secretly was the complete opposite of the situation at hand. But like I had wished for, I drew people’s attention, mostly from the wrong crowd. Come 8th grade, my grades were far past slipping, I couldn't give any less care in the world and the people I surrounded myself with were falling deep into a hole with me. Therefore, my worst nightmare had become reality. Freshman year, I had woken up with the rest of my siblings for the first day of school, except my “school” was actually a staircase away. I was forced to homeschool because of my terrible grades, attitude, and choices. While the rest of my family went here and there to conquer the day, I sat downstairs at the kitchen table and spent hours on end “myspace-ing” and texting. Long story short, I basically wasted 2 semesters and was thrown back into school Sophomore year, with the competency of a 5th grader. By this time, I was prepared. Not exactly for school, but to show off this “new person” I had become during my time at home. I had come to the conclusion that the only way I would make friends was if I had mastered these few simple tasks. 

1. Be mean. Not mean to everyone, but the general public. Have this edge about you that says “I don't care” and basically write people off who weren't as cool as you are. Or at least as cool as you thought you were. Basically, learn how to be an attractive jerk. 2. Wear slim to no clothing. Have a wardrobe that basically shouts “I’m sexy and I know it,” whether you are or not. (Most seem to have this one down.) 3. Always surround yourself with people, and mostly boys. It wasn't okay at this crucial point in my life, to chance not being invited to parties, or miss out on the “oh so wonderful” events that happen when you’re 15. You had to be liked, to be in. And if boys were even a portion of the people who seemed to find you appealing, you were set. and finally, and for some reason, most importantly- Lie. Steal. Cheat. Drink. Smoke. Anything to go against the grain or anything that could (if caught) get you to spend the rest of your high school career, in either jail or your bedroom. As a teenager, the only one I could really master was being mean. I wasn't able to do much because of my strict protective parents, so whichever I was able to do, I did it well. I lied all the time. I was a complete jerk, and oh it sure did get me friends (the term “friends” I use very lightly, and almost sarcastically), but I got a lot more that I quite frankly never asked for. I lost trust. With people, but most importantly with my family. I got in trouble with the law, I had the worst reputation simply from the way I dressed and presented myself, and some of the worst names you could think of to insult someone, I wore proudly. What I had dreamed of becoming just to please people, was internally tearing me apart. I was so tired of pleasing people. I went out of my way to gain relationships in my life that only brought me further and further from where I needed to be, and pushed people away who I knew I would benefit from. The only difference between me and those people, was my deep internal desire somewhere, to be better. That life was not at all what I thought it would be. Being harsh, rude and carrying an unforgivable attitude was unattractive? I was slowly realizing that this drew in the wrong people, and pushed away the right. I was satisfied with the concept of people being drawn to me, but utterly disappointed with the fact that the person they were attracted to, was nothing like the little 8 year old girl inside of me who was dying to reveal herself.

 My gentle, caring and sweet heart was masked with bitterness, jealousy and people pleasing for so many years, that I had forgotten how attractive it was for someone to just be their true self. My body wasn't mine to give or to show, I had no business wearing clothes to reveal my body as if my face or personality weren't good enough. My parents had deserved nothing but the truth, and my absolute best effort to serve and be there for them, as much as they had been there for me and loved me through my worst days. My big group of so called friends were the people that cared the least about me, and I was spending every waking hour trying to be this girl who was likable enough when in the end, I realized that it was a blessing to even be able to count your friends on one hand. The most important lesson I had ever learned, was through test and trial. I learned the hard way that yes, you can be whoever you want to be, but the best you is yourself. When I took off the mask and began to work on my true character, to be the young woman that I was called to be, I definitely lost people, but I gained better ones. It took a while to recover, to mend broken relationships, overshadow and erase my negative reputation and learn how to be nothing but myself, but I did it, and it was the most attractive decision I’ve ever made. It was the raw, genuine, messed up, but real me that people were drawn to, and even though it took trial and error to recognize, my lesson learned was none the less the most important to me. To be myself, because there is nothing or no one better that I could be, than me.

So-long Status Quo

I've been away for a while, I apologize...but a TON has been going on! With only two weeks left until this life changing year comes to an end, I am simply left sitting in a fully packed room trying to figure out how the last 9 months have gone by SO fast. I can honestly say I with all of my heart don't want to leave, but I can also proclaim the fact that the Lord has fully prepared me to go out into the fallen world and apply everything I've learned! I'm so ready to be an example to youth in showing what it looks like to go against the grain, and authentically practice what I preach. I can't wait to set the standard for how young godly women are supposed to act, and yes... at times fail, but be ready to get right back up, dust myself off and keep moving towards the goal I have as a young woman of the most high.


With that being said, the pressure is on! With just about everything, and it really makes me think about this generation and the culture that has been molded and set in front of us. From college, to husbands... It's all mapped out. By who though? Does it say anywhere in the Bible to attend high school, then apply for college, most likely find your potential husband, get together, date for a couple of years, and get married? Heck no-techno!! And praise the Lord for that, cause I'm sure I'd be considered behind.


Everyone young woman in this day and age is seeking for a man, and vice versa for men. And my question is WHY?! I used to struggle probably like non other with the thought of NEEDING a guy, and I couldn't be more wrong about that statement. I was so afraid to be single that it completely took my mind off of things that were way more important. Including Jesus Christ! My relationship with the Lord became all about request, and selfishness. Jimmy Needham, a young pop Christian artist is married to a woman named Kelly Needham, who has an incredible blog at KellyNeedham.com. I stumbled across one labeled "My First Love" and I absolutely adored it! She made an amazing analogy of the relationship we create with the Lord when we are waiting for something, particularly a husband. She said we create God into this waiter. A guy we create temporary relationship with, but we are only really interacting with him because He has what we want. Pizza. So we go to the Pizza restaurant, and make small talk, laugh a little and tip the guy, but the second we get our Pizza and enjoy it, we're out of there! This is exactly how we treat God! We use Him. We get into our word, pray a little, and wait for our inmost desire. It is terrible to put it that way, but terribly true! Only a couple months ago, it hit me that this mindset was completely off! I never realized that the most important and most satisfying thing we could ever possess is Jesus Christ and His love, and I already have it! I was looking in all the wrong places, looking for all the wrong things... and my relationship with Christ was on hold. So many people misinterpret what it means to really seek the Lord. To completely give everything you have and want. Yes, including futuristic thoughts! And surrendering to Him fully, with no motifs other than to know Him more, and grow in your intimacy with Him.


Lately, it has been incredible. Yes, a constant process, to put my faith fully in Him and trust the fact that His timing is the best timing. I can't help but think about the fact that He is preparing a godly young man for me right now! I need to be taking this time to prepare myself for him, to continue seeking the Lord, in hope that one day we simply end up running towards the cross together. It's that simple! I was reading through Trip Lee's blog, (a famous Christian rapper) and loved it. The story between him and his wife was incredible to me. They were in college, he liked her and she knew it, and she liked him and he knew it, but he didn't pursue! Why? Because he wasn't ready. He waited, didn't act off of his feelings, and prayed about it. Once he felt he was ready to date, he asked her father, and made sure he was ready to MARRY! Yes! Get married! Before the first date. Why do I think that's so amazing? Because that is the sole purpose for dating. Is to get married! I think that if everyone approached dating/marriage this way, this generation would be a lot different. One of our speakers said "We don't have to let our feelings determine our reality" and I think that is so true. If I am interested in a young godly man, I don't have to do a thing about it. That doesn't mean a thing, and until I pray up and know for a fact that these feelings are even from the Lord, I have no job besides seeking the Lord, first because I am a young woman and initiation isn't my job, but also because if I am not 100% ready for marriage, there is no point in me moving forward with anyone! I fall so short and am beyond messed up! How could anything I find with my own eyes be near as perfect for me as the one God chooses! I want Him to write my love story, not my parents, not my friends, not even me! Him. 100%, and I'm finally resting in that. I don't need to go with the status quo... Who knows the plan that the Lord has for me, what I do know though is that I can absolutely wait. I can't afford anything outside of the will of God, and He is showing me more and more everyday that that's the only one that will prevail!


So yes, I can think, wish, plan and hope all I want, but at the end of the day. I am content! I sit here smiling because I know the Lord know's me better than I know myself, and I can trust in His timing. Not only with the man I will spend my life with, but my future entirely! So young women, and men if your reading... Continue to seek the Lord. The Lord only, and He will bless that for sure. Besides, only He has whats best for you, so why would you want anything less!?

Brokenness is a Blessing

All I can say is wow, at this point I've been in Ireland for a little over 3 weeks, and have learned more than I ever thought would be possible in such a short amount of time. I almost don't even know where to start, so why not with today. This morning, I received the incredible opportunity to attend the Church that the Manor's staff we are currently staying in go to. It honestly was life changing. To most, it could have easily past as a great, yet normal service. As for me? I haven't benefited that much simply from the Lord's presence, ever in my life. Starting from the moment we walked in there, feeling compelled by the Holy Spirit to sit at talk to a middle aged man working as a fisherman here in Belfast. Although it was rather difficult to play out the words he would say, due to the strong accent he had. He had gone on to say that he has been living here for about 6 months to fish, all the way from Ghana. I have no idea why, but it was so easy to sit down and spark a conversation with this man and I can honestly say it was the biggest blessing. We continued to talk a little bit, and I asked him if I could sit with him. Most likely a little creeped out, I sat with him in his favorite seat in the place. I had encouraged him to move towards the middle, though he insisted we stay. I'm not sure why it was his favorite seat, but I am sure of the fact that the Lord had placed me in that very end seat, simply to rid myself of all the distraction around me and let loose for Him. It was an incredible experience. Worship changed my life, I had never experienced it like that. Yeah, I've lifted my hands, in reverence... but today was a different story. I wanted to reach God. I wanted to touch Him, as much as He was touching my heart. I let it all go, and felt the brokenness I had been going through in the last few weeks, lift. Lift up to Him, and receiving the blood of the Lamb on me. Forgiveness, love and encouragement I felt all at once. I had never felt the love of Christ so strong and not once did I look left and right. All my attention was to the Lord, and thats's what felt the most right. It felt perfect. As the service carried on, we were asked by the Link Year staff to journal a poem. We had done this once already, and it ended up being unbelievably moving. So not even thinking "hey, maybe I should write my poem" I got to it. I picked up my journal and started overflowing with how I had been feeling and overanalyzing my life as of right now. I just wrote and wrote and came to so many conclusions. My poem ended up being about my brokenness and where I am & where I want to be. I yearn for Him, and more and more I see that everyday. It's so easy to put up this front of "I have it all together" until something happens, that skin deep beauty somewhat fades away. And for a quick moment, you realize it and pull yourself together quickly, just so you don't get too "found out" cause God forbid we become vulnerable with each other. I constantly have been breaking. And yes, it is a huge blessing. Boy, does it hurt but in reference to Psalm 103:10, I should consider this 100% grace, because that's all this is. The fact that I even have life, and the Lord is revealing all this to me is more than a blessing. Sometimes I feel like giving up. No lie, I feel as though my creator has given me way more than I can bear, which is so not the case but I'm sure I'm not the only one. All I have been needing to do is reaching out my hands up to him and lifting my burdens to Him, cause He wants them! I am so caught up in what I look like on the outside, but at the end of the day who cares! That's one of the many things that will pass away pretty quickly. However, I focus most of my time worrying about that, when its the inside that will last forever. That I will be judged on. Come judgment day, God will not say "Jack..Girl, you looked GOOD yesterday... Come on in." No, it will sound a little bit more like "I never knew you, get away from me Jackie, it was the inside that counted." My fruit is all I need to be offering. That's all I have thats of worth. The fruit that I am producing is not of any kind that I would want to eat whatsoever. I need to begin getting to work, seeking out the things the Lord is showing me and finding ways I can conquer them. To pass the tests that He is giving me... How can I pray for patience, and when He gives me an opportunity to be patient, I fail? I need to begin to assess. To change, and just "do" rather than want. I was talking to a friend yesterday and was enlightened upon the fact that the Lord isn't sitting up there watching us fail, He is with us! He is mourning right along side us, letting us know that He doesn't want this for us, but He sure will be with us through it. In fact, He is carrying us! He want's us to pass. He genuinely loves us and GIVES us trials, just so we can exercise and learn. I am loving this. Yes, I hate it sometimes. When I go off of my feeling and how this doesn't "feel" fun, but Satan has access to our feelings and one day I may not "feel" great. That's when the power of the Lord comes into play, and that's where I need to grab onto him and know in my soul that He has overcome all of the negative things that are sustaining my heart. He is the owner of my heart, and will not let that stand. I praise the Lord for this. This blessing to draw nearer and closer and more and more intimate. Matthew 7:14 states "But small is the gate and narrow is the path that leads to life, and only a few find it." This is 100% dead on. It isn't easy, most don't like the way the Lord has it set out to be but this is the way it is, and once we are able to see the light in the growing process and the sanctification process, that's when healing, life, and fulfillment of the Lord takes place. So be broken, love it... Roll in it and allow the Lord to reveal more and more to you, its all a part of the sanctification and growing process.

Taking off the Boxing Gloves

This week has definitely been one of the toughest I have faced in a long time, no doubt. I've always considered myself someone who was able to deal with and handle conflict considerably decently. Though the past few weeks, the Lord has been able to knock the pride right out of that statement, and turn it into- at least in my mind "I suck." I am well aware that that particular feeling is not of the Lord, though I can't completely rebuke it due to the way I had been handling things. I remember a couple days ago, calling my dad (not planning to vent or anything...) and completely losing it. I had never had so much conflict going on at one time in so many different areas, nor had I ever known how to deal with it. I broke down in tears, and was desperate to put down the boxing gloves and quit fighting. I'm always on one side of things ready to go. Never am I unprepared to put up a fight, and for the first time... I was enlightened to the fact that this wasn't okay. I always thought that when it came to me and my issues, I never needed anyone to back me up, fight for me or take my side. I am simply the type of person who has an extremely hard time seeking the advice of others when it comes to my personal issues ranging from essay help, to rare breakdowns or friend issues, to which in all areas...help was needed, to say the least. My only desire in these situations were to handle it all on my own, and sadly... this comes down to pride. After sitting around, moping for a couple of days and humbling myself to seek the advice of a couple of my close, wise friends, I was able to open my heart to the Word of the Lord and come across an extremely cliche yet crucial verse. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I laid in bed, re-reading this multiple times, until I finally asked Hannah (my precious room-mate) to- what we call "debrief." (Side note: Every night, Hannah and I lay in bed and give some sort of evaluation on different things that occurred during the day, and analyze our schedules and "morning routine." Therefore, we decided we'd call this a "debriefing session.) Okay. Back on track, so I had asked her to thoroughly analyze this verse, basically dissect it, more for me; to compare that verse, to my life and current situation. You know, to evaluate myself per-say. While I read each part of this verse out loud, I would look at her (feeling convicted) and give myself the thumbs down. I had quickly come to the conclusion that I was doing everything the exact opposite of what the Lord had literally called me to do. Christ came to this earth to renew and restore. Who was I to take matters into my own hands? I so often get caught up in the way I "feel" and the picture of this strong "I don't need anyone" girl I want to present to other people, that I completely forget that it is no option of mine to not restore the relationships and situations that get shaky sometimes. It is my calling to love, and as a devoted follower of Christ, I should know that He never did tell us that it would be easy. I came to wonder how many great lessons and friendships I would miss out on that were of the Lord, if I continued to handle things simply the way I wanted to. Well praise be to God, Jackie learned an important lesson. Many, as a matter of fact. Never is it up to me when it comes to dealing with conflict and turbulence. It quickly becomes a matter of obedience and walking in love like we are called to do, to hand it over to God and (trust me) make things 400 times easier. Let go and let God. Piece of cake! (...As if.) 

He'll Always Show Up

After constantly "blog stalking" my mother & sister, I decided to create one! Most of my computer time is spent on Pinterest, Facebook & random cutesy blogs, so inevitably I became obsessed. Spending this school year at the Kanakuk Link Year has definitely given me more than enough to talk about, and I can already tell my family has had enough... So why not! I've been home for about 3 weeks & have a couple more days until I head on back to good ol' Branson, Missouri. Having been home has honestly been incredible. Being able to spend time with my family (including my precious, baby niece Brooklynne) & finding countless ways to serve & learn, has definitely been the highlight of this break. I have found that what Link Year does best, at least for me... is bring out all of those hidden issues & insecurities you never even knew you had. For about the last month I had spent in Branson, I constantly found myself fearfully thinking "what in the world are my plans for next year..." I would sit (most likely looking unconscious) trying to come up with all these plans in my mind as to what the Lord would possibly have me do this upcoming Fall. I mean, I say over and over in my prayers "Lord, I only want what you want." But do I really mean that? It has been an ongoing struggle for me to stop trying to "fool God." Who am I kidding... right? I just have this terrible philosophy of proclaiming the Lords will over my future, all the while on the inside, my mind & stomach is spinning in doubt & fear. Well praise be to God, one day it came to me. How did I even get to Link Year in the first place? Everybody and their dog knew that my plan. I was to go to the AVEDA Cosmetology School in Minneapolis, have my own apartment, and soon after that, open up my own salon. Now that I look back on it, that plan was not of the Lord. Me and my cleverness thought that one up, and I so badly wanted it to happen that once I heard of Link Year from the director, I shut that thought straight down. I knew full well, that Link year was absolutely perfect for me, I just didn't want to believe it. I constantly told my parents I would continue to pray about it, when I had already received my answer the minute the idea was proposed. I remember dramatically looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, and crying my eyes out because I so badly didn't want to let go of the plan I had created in my head. All this to say, look where I am now. I had reached a point where what I was going to do was no longer a question... I had taken the next step, out of fear, and took matters into my own hands. Needless to say, at the last minute the Lord showed up. Weather I had wanted Him to at the moment or not, He sure did. So whenever we catch ourselves in states of worry or doubt, don't underestimate the Lord and His timing, even if it seems later than what we have already distinguished as the dead line. Remember the promise He has made in Hebrews 13:5, know that we will never be forsaken & pray victory over that fear! His plan will always prevail.