Taking off the Boxing Gloves

This week has definitely been one of the toughest I have faced in a long time, no doubt. I've always considered myself someone who was able to deal with and handle conflict considerably decently. Though the past few weeks, the Lord has been able to knock the pride right out of that statement, and turn it into- at least in my mind "I suck." I am well aware that that particular feeling is not of the Lord, though I can't completely rebuke it due to the way I had been handling things. I remember a couple days ago, calling my dad (not planning to vent or anything...) and completely losing it. I had never had so much conflict going on at one time in so many different areas, nor had I ever known how to deal with it. I broke down in tears, and was desperate to put down the boxing gloves and quit fighting. I'm always on one side of things ready to go. Never am I unprepared to put up a fight, and for the first time... I was enlightened to the fact that this wasn't okay. I always thought that when it came to me and my issues, I never needed anyone to back me up, fight for me or take my side. I am simply the type of person who has an extremely hard time seeking the advice of others when it comes to my personal issues ranging from essay help, to rare breakdowns or friend issues, to which in all areas...help was needed, to say the least. My only desire in these situations were to handle it all on my own, and sadly... this comes down to pride. After sitting around, moping for a couple of days and humbling myself to seek the advice of a couple of my close, wise friends, I was able to open my heart to the Word of the Lord and come across an extremely cliche yet crucial verse. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I laid in bed, re-reading this multiple times, until I finally asked Hannah (my precious room-mate) to- what we call "debrief." (Side note: Every night, Hannah and I lay in bed and give some sort of evaluation on different things that occurred during the day, and analyze our schedules and "morning routine." Therefore, we decided we'd call this a "debriefing session.) Okay. Back on track, so I had asked her to thoroughly analyze this verse, basically dissect it, more for me; to compare that verse, to my life and current situation. You know, to evaluate myself per-say. While I read each part of this verse out loud, I would look at her (feeling convicted) and give myself the thumbs down. I had quickly come to the conclusion that I was doing everything the exact opposite of what the Lord had literally called me to do. Christ came to this earth to renew and restore. Who was I to take matters into my own hands? I so often get caught up in the way I "feel" and the picture of this strong "I don't need anyone" girl I want to present to other people, that I completely forget that it is no option of mine to not restore the relationships and situations that get shaky sometimes. It is my calling to love, and as a devoted follower of Christ, I should know that He never did tell us that it would be easy. I came to wonder how many great lessons and friendships I would miss out on that were of the Lord, if I continued to handle things simply the way I wanted to. Well praise be to God, Jackie learned an important lesson. Many, as a matter of fact. Never is it up to me when it comes to dealing with conflict and turbulence. It quickly becomes a matter of obedience and walking in love like we are called to do, to hand it over to God and (trust me) make things 400 times easier. Let go and let God. Piece of cake! (...As if.)