Taking off the Boxing Gloves

This week has definitely been one of the toughest I have faced in a long time, no doubt. I've always considered myself someone who was able to deal with and handle conflict considerably decently. Though the past few weeks, the Lord has been able to knock the pride right out of that statement, and turn it into- at least in my mind "I suck." I am well aware that that particular feeling is not of the Lord, though I can't completely rebuke it due to the way I had been handling things. I remember a couple days ago, calling my dad (not planning to vent or anything...) and completely losing it. I had never had so much conflict going on at one time in so many different areas, nor had I ever known how to deal with it. I broke down in tears, and was desperate to put down the boxing gloves and quit fighting. I'm always on one side of things ready to go. Never am I unprepared to put up a fight, and for the first time... I was enlightened to the fact that this wasn't okay. I always thought that when it came to me and my issues, I never needed anyone to back me up, fight for me or take my side. I am simply the type of person who has an extremely hard time seeking the advice of others when it comes to my personal issues ranging from essay help, to rare breakdowns or friend issues, to which in all areas...help was needed, to say the least. My only desire in these situations were to handle it all on my own, and sadly... this comes down to pride. After sitting around, moping for a couple of days and humbling myself to seek the advice of a couple of my close, wise friends, I was able to open my heart to the Word of the Lord and come across an extremely cliche yet crucial verse. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I laid in bed, re-reading this multiple times, until I finally asked Hannah (my precious room-mate) to- what we call "debrief." (Side note: Every night, Hannah and I lay in bed and give some sort of evaluation on different things that occurred during the day, and analyze our schedules and "morning routine." Therefore, we decided we'd call this a "debriefing session.) Okay. Back on track, so I had asked her to thoroughly analyze this verse, basically dissect it, more for me; to compare that verse, to my life and current situation. You know, to evaluate myself per-say. While I read each part of this verse out loud, I would look at her (feeling convicted) and give myself the thumbs down. I had quickly come to the conclusion that I was doing everything the exact opposite of what the Lord had literally called me to do. Christ came to this earth to renew and restore. Who was I to take matters into my own hands? I so often get caught up in the way I "feel" and the picture of this strong "I don't need anyone" girl I want to present to other people, that I completely forget that it is no option of mine to not restore the relationships and situations that get shaky sometimes. It is my calling to love, and as a devoted follower of Christ, I should know that He never did tell us that it would be easy. I came to wonder how many great lessons and friendships I would miss out on that were of the Lord, if I continued to handle things simply the way I wanted to. Well praise be to God, Jackie learned an important lesson. Many, as a matter of fact. Never is it up to me when it comes to dealing with conflict and turbulence. It quickly becomes a matter of obedience and walking in love like we are called to do, to hand it over to God and (trust me) make things 400 times easier. Let go and let God. Piece of cake! (...As if.) 

He'll Always Show Up

After constantly "blog stalking" my mother & sister, I decided to create one! Most of my computer time is spent on Pinterest, Facebook & random cutesy blogs, so inevitably I became obsessed. Spending this school year at the Kanakuk Link Year has definitely given me more than enough to talk about, and I can already tell my family has had enough... So why not! I've been home for about 3 weeks & have a couple more days until I head on back to good ol' Branson, Missouri. Having been home has honestly been incredible. Being able to spend time with my family (including my precious, baby niece Brooklynne) & finding countless ways to serve & learn, has definitely been the highlight of this break. I have found that what Link Year does best, at least for me... is bring out all of those hidden issues & insecurities you never even knew you had. For about the last month I had spent in Branson, I constantly found myself fearfully thinking "what in the world are my plans for next year..." I would sit (most likely looking unconscious) trying to come up with all these plans in my mind as to what the Lord would possibly have me do this upcoming Fall. I mean, I say over and over in my prayers "Lord, I only want what you want." But do I really mean that? It has been an ongoing struggle for me to stop trying to "fool God." Who am I kidding... right? I just have this terrible philosophy of proclaiming the Lords will over my future, all the while on the inside, my mind & stomach is spinning in doubt & fear. Well praise be to God, one day it came to me. How did I even get to Link Year in the first place? Everybody and their dog knew that my plan. I was to go to the AVEDA Cosmetology School in Minneapolis, have my own apartment, and soon after that, open up my own salon. Now that I look back on it, that plan was not of the Lord. Me and my cleverness thought that one up, and I so badly wanted it to happen that once I heard of Link Year from the director, I shut that thought straight down. I knew full well, that Link year was absolutely perfect for me, I just didn't want to believe it. I constantly told my parents I would continue to pray about it, when I had already received my answer the minute the idea was proposed. I remember dramatically looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, and crying my eyes out because I so badly didn't want to let go of the plan I had created in my head. All this to say, look where I am now. I had reached a point where what I was going to do was no longer a question... I had taken the next step, out of fear, and took matters into my own hands. Needless to say, at the last minute the Lord showed up. Weather I had wanted Him to at the moment or not, He sure did. So whenever we catch ourselves in states of worry or doubt, don't underestimate the Lord and His timing, even if it seems later than what we have already distinguished as the dead line. Remember the promise He has made in Hebrews 13:5, know that we will never be forsaken & pray victory over that fear! His plan will always prevail.