Wait, Where is Everybody?

So. For a little update on the life of a broke, lonely college student, I've decided to fill you in with a rather informative yet encouraging post. I have to say that coming to Chicago has been one of the most exciting decisions that the Lord has brought me to... for many different reasons. One being that my younger sister Brooke is attending Wheaton. We never really had the strongest relationship due to past issues, but instead of dealing with them, we brushed them aside and they began to pile up. Soon enough, we were literally walking on egg shells to not get into a disagreement with each other. Long story short, one of the reasons I know the Lord wanted me here was so that I could grow in my relationship with her, because for some reason (that I remain unaware of) it is an important one, and boy has the Lord been at work. She has become if not, one of my best friends. Anther reason I feel like the Lord brought me here is to be at my oldest sister Kristen's expense. I want to be willing to help and be there for her whenever she may need. That may or may not have anything to do with the fact that I also want myself to be Brooklynne's favorite Auntie! Just kidding, but really. Having little birdie around makes it all the more enjoyable. And lastly, my most... Non favorite reason as to why I am here, but favorite (you'll understand momentarily) is the fact that the Lord had told me a while before coming here, that I would be "alone". Now at the time I had no idea what this meant. Would I live alone, not know anyone or have friends, would I just be loneLY, never in the world was I expecting it to be all of the above! Although because He had informed me ahead of time, I was slightly prepared which I praise the Lord for often. Even still, I had no idea it was going to be like this. There is not one person that I know nor am friends with, within almost an hour from me. At school, let's just say I better be a bearer of light, cause I feel as though there is not one sane person NOT trying to get me high or take me out. You know, cause I'm "not living". But aside from all that, I sit here in my little ADORABLE town house, wishing I had my sisters, or my mother, even my father to sit and simply talk with me. Looking forward to any possible moment that I can be surrounded by community, family, friends... just people. Though recently with the Lords help, I came to a conclusion. It took many conversations and realizations to get to this point, but one thing I realized was that the amount of comfort that I desired to find in people, was unhealthy. All of my life, I have found comfort in people... either going through the same thing, having gone through it before, even simple advice that I already contained in my mind, hearing it from someone else seemed to validate it. If something went wrong, if I was feeling bad about something, if I was hurt, scared, frustrated, I went to people whom I desired comfort from. People who I knew cared about me, and had my best interest at heart. After a little revelation and a lot of prayer, the Lord began to uncover the fact that me not going to Him for comfort was a problem. It was something that I hadn't really realized. I sat and thought to myself, why would I not go to Him for comfort. He created it, He is the God of comfort, He loves me more than anything and cares for me more than I could ever fathom, so why on earth would I not go to Him to "feel better" and my answer appeared instantly. All of us want instant gratification. Satisfaction in that very moment. I began to think of every time I asked the Lord to take a stomach ache away, give me peace, heal my nana, mend a relationship, how the prayers either seemed unanswered, even unheard. So instead of going to the Father of all these things, I went to people. I called my best friend, my mother, my father. Well after listening to a sermon that I feel was directed right at me, the Lord began to show me that He was removing these crutches that stopped me from going to Him. Not just for comfort, but for everything! He cares for us. I always fail to remember that He knows what is best for us. He loves me more than anything, and He is going to give me His best. He is the first one I need to be going to if I am in any need of comfort. His yolk is easy and His burden is light. Instead of going to people to feed my hunger for instant satisfaction, I know that it's time to go to the Lord, simply because I trust Him. Because He has shown me that He is a jealous God and He will do whatever it takes for His child to come to Him. To yearn for Him. Weather it be to send my other half to Toledo, OH, having my busy, hard working parents live 6 hours away, sending one of my best friends to stinkin' Costa Rica (with no phone), and have me all lonesome in this amazing blessing of a home, He will do whatever it takes so that I, His daughter whom He is absolutely infatuated with can find comfort, confidence and reassurance going to Him. Don't get me wrong, having accountability, friends and family to comfort you in troubled times is amazing. We are called to lift each other up, to take each others burdens, but when He is no where in the mix of people we are going to, and far from the first? It will shortly become a problem. So all in all, being "lonely" isn't so bad. After all, it isn't so lonely the more and more I choose to become rooted in the Word. Instead of sulking, I take the time granted to me to really get to know the indescribable character of the Lord. To trust in Him and to remember that He has my best interest at heart. Also to remember and keep in mind, that sometimes instant satisfaction is the opposite of what we really need.

A Sister Shout-out

Living alone in a beautiful little town house that my parents were gracious enough to trust me with, has fortunately allowed me much time to think (and eat unfortunately). Therefore, lately what has been prevalent on my mind is the loveliness of having my sistaaas. I used to selfishly think to myself, why couldn't I be an only child (with the mindset of getting more toys) it seems so fun, and free and what not. Well to this day, I will never cease to thank God for the family I have been tremendously blessed with. Don't believe me? Let me explain.

We have the lovely Kristen. Also known as "Kiki" or "our second mother". Growing up, if you needed pity or someone to stand up to dad in order to get 2 spanks instead of 5. Kristen was the sister you prayed would be there! She has such a loving, motherly mindset about her that none of the Singletary girls could quite understand, but we love it nonetheless. She was also kind of the guinea pig for everything. I'll never forget the many conversations we have had with her on all the things that she has experienced in her past, as the oldest. The amount of wisdom she has towards things you would never think twice about is incredible, and if there were ever a sibling I would go to for comfort, it would be her. I was talking to my little sister Brooke last week, and we almost ran through every sibling. Kiki was the comforter. She is the type of person you just want to complain to, or get reassurance from. It's incredible how much better you feel after you receive the wise words or Kristen Calhoun. I will never forget sticking my legs through the banister, making up every excuse as to why she should be in bed, simply to keep me company when we shared a room. I'll never forget those days...I admired her, and I always will. She is so fun! Anytime I simply want to hang out, her presence is always enjoyed. There is never a dull conversation with her, and even though she is mid 20's, married AND has a gorgeous child, I will never get past the amazing sister that she will always be in my eyes. I couldn't have gotten through so much of my past if it weren't for her encouragement and verbal slaps in the face every now and then. She is one of the biggest blessings in my life, and always has been. 

Then comes Matt, but since were only talking about the lovely ladies here... Jillian! Jill and I have in our recent past had some... for lack of a better word "Issues" per say. Theres much that goes into it, but praise the Lord we are finally coming out of it. I've never doubted that our relationship was important. If Satan worked that hard to break us apart, there must be some meaning to it. Let's see. Jill is a sister that everyone MUST have. She's very independent. Strong. Can most definitely hold her own, but has a sensitive, genuine and sweet heart that not everyone gets the privilege of experiencing. Getting to experience both sides of that, being the one under her was a blessing. If there was one person in this family that I've learned from, it is her. The Lord used her to reveal many things inside of myself that needed to be changed. Not to mention, the incredible growth that I have gotten to see in her has been a blessing. It is crazy how one man stepped into her life, and how God used him to completely change her in nearly every way. Without a doubt it was initially the Holy Spirit who did the work, but every time I see her, more and more has positively changed in the way that I view her, and hopefully vice versa. Jill is and will remain one of the most important people in my life. We continue to work on our relationship and I know God has big plans for us that I am so excited to see. She is an amazing young woman who has grown so much, at such a young age. Weather she sees it or not, everyone else can and she deserves great things.

Then comes Brookie, B-Rock, Sunshine, Cranberry. My lovely, sexy sassy younger sister. I've been excited about typing this one. Oh goodness how God has worked through us! It has been WAY more than a privilege and joy getting to know, spend time with and grow with Brooke. Dad has always told us how important this relationship is, and how we needed to begin mending and working on it. Both of us had many things that needed to be dealt with first of all, personally, spiritually, emotionally and then between each other. Never would I have thought we would get to this amazing place. The conversations that we have had together, the time spent just getting to experience one another by ourselves and genuinely has been so beneficial to our relationship. Having difficult conversations, coming to terms with the fact that we are two completely different people with different views, and humbling ourself to see things, deal with things and understand each other in the ways that best fit each other has allowed us to really experience genuine love. I have never seen someone with more of a heart, and concern for others than Brooke. It always blew my mind how much she cared for her siblings and friends well being, just because. She is one of the few heroes that I have. I've loved getting to grow with her and see her as a person in a way that I never have. She is such a light without even seeing it, and I am astonished as to how close that we have gotten over the past few MONTHS! Brooke is someone I couldn't live without. We need each other and I can see that clearly now. If this much growth has happened in such a short time, I can only imagine a couple more years living here, only 45 minutes away from her. Not to mention, a salsa class I will be attending with her on Wheaton's campus next week. YAY! Brooke is a blessing. A perfect young woman that the Lord created to bless others, and that she will do. Weather she knows it or not, she's so smart (but really), hilarious and HOT! I love her to death and always will.

Then, last but not least. My little drama queen/diva. I am near a lost for words when it comes to "DQ". Not really though. Cause I can laugh at the simple thought of her. There is not many people that I would rather spend time with than her. Despite her insane "clean-freak/ germ-a-phobe issues" I will never stop needing my Becky time. I adore watching her grow into this beautiful young woman. One of my favorite things about Becky is her desire to do the Lord's will. It is so encouraging to see such a young girl really make sacrifices for the sake of her growth in the relationship with Christ. She is a wonderful example to her piers and the qualities of leadership she has within her are ones that I desire. She is such a strong woman who really is grounded with her beliefs, and are not afraid to enlighten someone on what is right, but is beyond loving and understanding, and knows when to simply love with your actions. She has always been there for me... when I needed a loving sister to pick me up and encourage, pray, even laugh with me. Becky is the sister I go to. Our family wouldn't be the same without her, and she totally knows it! She's awesome to talk to. Her realness and lack of fear being vulnerable definitely allows people to be real with her. I admire her honesty, but ability to cope and understand when your simply annoyed or irritated at something... which 99% of the time is due to your own fault. Yet, she will sympathize but encourage and work with you through it, with love. I smile when I think of times that we have had, conversations that were held, and laughs that were shared. No one is afraid to be themselves with a dash of crazy around Becky. And if you are, she'll bring it out of you! Although sometimes she may need to be lent a brown bag to breathe through due to her feisty diva ways, I wouldn't trade her for anything. I absolutely lover her and am beyond blessed to have a little/grown sissy like her.

Jealous yet? Clearly I am beyond blessed. I will never stop thanking the Lord for incredible sisters that I have. Who have been with me through everything. Hard times, and the worst times. Thankfully, we get to enjoy the beautiful, amazing fun times the Lord graces us with as well. I am so thankful for them and couldn't ask for better not only sisters, but people in my life that really know how to love. To look past the things that one has done, where they have been or what they have gone through. To see the best in them and not only love them though it, but help and grow them as well. I wouldn't be where I am today without them, they helped save my life and I will forever be grateful. I have the absolute best sisters in the world! The Singletary sister bond can never be broken. If Satan cant do it, good luck ;)

Lesson Learned

As an 8 year old, all I wanted to be was sweet, helpful and caring. Once 7th grade rolled around, those desires changed. The kind, tender, loving personality my father had commended me for, slowly began to fade away. One of the very few great things about moving around a lot, was the fact that I had many new opportunities to be whoever I wanted to be- to start over. So when I moved to California, I wanted to be known. I was never the prettiest or most popular in school, so I decided to make some sort of statement. What I had been doing clearly wasn't working, so it was time for a change. I began dressing like a thug, wearing clothes three times my size, and talking like I ran things, which secretly was the complete opposite of the situation at hand. But like I had wished for, I drew people’s attention, mostly from the wrong crowd. Come 8th grade, my grades were far past slipping, I couldn't give any less care in the world and the people I surrounded myself with were falling deep into a hole with me. Therefore, my worst nightmare had become reality. Freshman year, I had woken up with the rest of my siblings for the first day of school, except my “school” was actually a staircase away. I was forced to homeschool because of my terrible grades, attitude, and choices. While the rest of my family went here and there to conquer the day, I sat downstairs at the kitchen table and spent hours on end “myspace-ing” and texting. Long story short, I basically wasted 2 semesters and was thrown back into school Sophomore year, with the competency of a 5th grader. By this time, I was prepared. Not exactly for school, but to show off this “new person” I had become during my time at home. I had come to the conclusion that the only way I would make friends was if I had mastered these few simple tasks. 

1. Be mean. Not mean to everyone, but the general public. Have this edge about you that says “I don't care” and basically write people off who weren't as cool as you are. Or at least as cool as you thought you were. Basically, learn how to be an attractive jerk. 2. Wear slim to no clothing. Have a wardrobe that basically shouts “I’m sexy and I know it,” whether you are or not. (Most seem to have this one down.) 3. Always surround yourself with people, and mostly boys. It wasn't okay at this crucial point in my life, to chance not being invited to parties, or miss out on the “oh so wonderful” events that happen when you’re 15. You had to be liked, to be in. And if boys were even a portion of the people who seemed to find you appealing, you were set. and finally, and for some reason, most importantly- Lie. Steal. Cheat. Drink. Smoke. Anything to go against the grain or anything that could (if caught) get you to spend the rest of your high school career, in either jail or your bedroom. As a teenager, the only one I could really master was being mean. I wasn't able to do much because of my strict protective parents, so whichever I was able to do, I did it well. I lied all the time. I was a complete jerk, and oh it sure did get me friends (the term “friends” I use very lightly, and almost sarcastically), but I got a lot more that I quite frankly never asked for. I lost trust. With people, but most importantly with my family. I got in trouble with the law, I had the worst reputation simply from the way I dressed and presented myself, and some of the worst names you could think of to insult someone, I wore proudly. What I had dreamed of becoming just to please people, was internally tearing me apart. I was so tired of pleasing people. I went out of my way to gain relationships in my life that only brought me further and further from where I needed to be, and pushed people away who I knew I would benefit from. The only difference between me and those people, was my deep internal desire somewhere, to be better. That life was not at all what I thought it would be. Being harsh, rude and carrying an unforgivable attitude was unattractive? I was slowly realizing that this drew in the wrong people, and pushed away the right. I was satisfied with the concept of people being drawn to me, but utterly disappointed with the fact that the person they were attracted to, was nothing like the little 8 year old girl inside of me who was dying to reveal herself.

 My gentle, caring and sweet heart was masked with bitterness, jealousy and people pleasing for so many years, that I had forgotten how attractive it was for someone to just be their true self. My body wasn't mine to give or to show, I had no business wearing clothes to reveal my body as if my face or personality weren't good enough. My parents had deserved nothing but the truth, and my absolute best effort to serve and be there for them, as much as they had been there for me and loved me through my worst days. My big group of so called friends were the people that cared the least about me, and I was spending every waking hour trying to be this girl who was likable enough when in the end, I realized that it was a blessing to even be able to count your friends on one hand. The most important lesson I had ever learned, was through test and trial. I learned the hard way that yes, you can be whoever you want to be, but the best you is yourself. When I took off the mask and began to work on my true character, to be the young woman that I was called to be, I definitely lost people, but I gained better ones. It took a while to recover, to mend broken relationships, overshadow and erase my negative reputation and learn how to be nothing but myself, but I did it, and it was the most attractive decision I’ve ever made. It was the raw, genuine, messed up, but real me that people were drawn to, and even though it took trial and error to recognize, my lesson learned was none the less the most important to me. To be myself, because there is nothing or no one better that I could be, than me.