Lesson Learned

As an 8 year old, all I wanted to be was sweet, helpful and caring. Once 7th grade rolled around, those desires changed. The kind, tender, loving personality my father had commended me for, slowly began to fade away. One of the very few great things about moving around a lot, was the fact that I had many new opportunities to be whoever I wanted to be- to start over. So when I moved to California, I wanted to be known. I was never the prettiest or most popular in school, so I decided to make some sort of statement. What I had been doing clearly wasn't working, so it was time for a change. I began dressing like a thug, wearing clothes three times my size, and talking like I ran things, which secretly was the complete opposite of the situation at hand. But like I had wished for, I drew people’s attention, mostly from the wrong crowd. Come 8th grade, my grades were far past slipping, I couldn't give any less care in the world and the people I surrounded myself with were falling deep into a hole with me. Therefore, my worst nightmare had become reality. Freshman year, I had woken up with the rest of my siblings for the first day of school, except my “school” was actually a staircase away. I was forced to homeschool because of my terrible grades, attitude, and choices. While the rest of my family went here and there to conquer the day, I sat downstairs at the kitchen table and spent hours on end “myspace-ing” and texting. Long story short, I basically wasted 2 semesters and was thrown back into school Sophomore year, with the competency of a 5th grader. By this time, I was prepared. Not exactly for school, but to show off this “new person” I had become during my time at home. I had come to the conclusion that the only way I would make friends was if I had mastered these few simple tasks. 

1. Be mean. Not mean to everyone, but the general public. Have this edge about you that says “I don't care” and basically write people off who weren't as cool as you are. Or at least as cool as you thought you were. Basically, learn how to be an attractive jerk. 2. Wear slim to no clothing. Have a wardrobe that basically shouts “I’m sexy and I know it,” whether you are or not. (Most seem to have this one down.) 3. Always surround yourself with people, and mostly boys. It wasn't okay at this crucial point in my life, to chance not being invited to parties, or miss out on the “oh so wonderful” events that happen when you’re 15. You had to be liked, to be in. And if boys were even a portion of the people who seemed to find you appealing, you were set. and finally, and for some reason, most importantly- Lie. Steal. Cheat. Drink. Smoke. Anything to go against the grain or anything that could (if caught) get you to spend the rest of your high school career, in either jail or your bedroom. As a teenager, the only one I could really master was being mean. I wasn't able to do much because of my strict protective parents, so whichever I was able to do, I did it well. I lied all the time. I was a complete jerk, and oh it sure did get me friends (the term “friends” I use very lightly, and almost sarcastically), but I got a lot more that I quite frankly never asked for. I lost trust. With people, but most importantly with my family. I got in trouble with the law, I had the worst reputation simply from the way I dressed and presented myself, and some of the worst names you could think of to insult someone, I wore proudly. What I had dreamed of becoming just to please people, was internally tearing me apart. I was so tired of pleasing people. I went out of my way to gain relationships in my life that only brought me further and further from where I needed to be, and pushed people away who I knew I would benefit from. The only difference between me and those people, was my deep internal desire somewhere, to be better. That life was not at all what I thought it would be. Being harsh, rude and carrying an unforgivable attitude was unattractive? I was slowly realizing that this drew in the wrong people, and pushed away the right. I was satisfied with the concept of people being drawn to me, but utterly disappointed with the fact that the person they were attracted to, was nothing like the little 8 year old girl inside of me who was dying to reveal herself.

 My gentle, caring and sweet heart was masked with bitterness, jealousy and people pleasing for so many years, that I had forgotten how attractive it was for someone to just be their true self. My body wasn't mine to give or to show, I had no business wearing clothes to reveal my body as if my face or personality weren't good enough. My parents had deserved nothing but the truth, and my absolute best effort to serve and be there for them, as much as they had been there for me and loved me through my worst days. My big group of so called friends were the people that cared the least about me, and I was spending every waking hour trying to be this girl who was likable enough when in the end, I realized that it was a blessing to even be able to count your friends on one hand. The most important lesson I had ever learned, was through test and trial. I learned the hard way that yes, you can be whoever you want to be, but the best you is yourself. When I took off the mask and began to work on my true character, to be the young woman that I was called to be, I definitely lost people, but I gained better ones. It took a while to recover, to mend broken relationships, overshadow and erase my negative reputation and learn how to be nothing but myself, but I did it, and it was the most attractive decision I’ve ever made. It was the raw, genuine, messed up, but real me that people were drawn to, and even though it took trial and error to recognize, my lesson learned was none the less the most important to me. To be myself, because there is nothing or no one better that I could be, than me.