Brokenness is a Blessing

All I can say is wow, at this point I've been in Ireland for a little over 3 weeks, and have learned more than I ever thought would be possible in such a short amount of time. I almost don't even know where to start, so why not with today. This morning, I received the incredible opportunity to attend the Church that the Manor's staff we are currently staying in go to. It honestly was life changing. To most, it could have easily past as a great, yet normal service. As for me? I haven't benefited that much simply from the Lord's presence, ever in my life. Starting from the moment we walked in there, feeling compelled by the Holy Spirit to sit at talk to a middle aged man working as a fisherman here in Belfast. Although it was rather difficult to play out the words he would say, due to the strong accent he had. He had gone on to say that he has been living here for about 6 months to fish, all the way from Ghana. I have no idea why, but it was so easy to sit down and spark a conversation with this man and I can honestly say it was the biggest blessing. We continued to talk a little bit, and I asked him if I could sit with him. Most likely a little creeped out, I sat with him in his favorite seat in the place. I had encouraged him to move towards the middle, though he insisted we stay. I'm not sure why it was his favorite seat, but I am sure of the fact that the Lord had placed me in that very end seat, simply to rid myself of all the distraction around me and let loose for Him. It was an incredible experience. Worship changed my life, I had never experienced it like that. Yeah, I've lifted my hands, in reverence... but today was a different story. I wanted to reach God. I wanted to touch Him, as much as He was touching my heart. I let it all go, and felt the brokenness I had been going through in the last few weeks, lift. Lift up to Him, and receiving the blood of the Lamb on me. Forgiveness, love and encouragement I felt all at once. I had never felt the love of Christ so strong and not once did I look left and right. All my attention was to the Lord, and thats's what felt the most right. It felt perfect. As the service carried on, we were asked by the Link Year staff to journal a poem. We had done this once already, and it ended up being unbelievably moving. So not even thinking "hey, maybe I should write my poem" I got to it. I picked up my journal and started overflowing with how I had been feeling and overanalyzing my life as of right now. I just wrote and wrote and came to so many conclusions. My poem ended up being about my brokenness and where I am & where I want to be. I yearn for Him, and more and more I see that everyday. It's so easy to put up this front of "I have it all together" until something happens, that skin deep beauty somewhat fades away. And for a quick moment, you realize it and pull yourself together quickly, just so you don't get too "found out" cause God forbid we become vulnerable with each other. I constantly have been breaking. And yes, it is a huge blessing. Boy, does it hurt but in reference to Psalm 103:10, I should consider this 100% grace, because that's all this is. The fact that I even have life, and the Lord is revealing all this to me is more than a blessing. Sometimes I feel like giving up. No lie, I feel as though my creator has given me way more than I can bear, which is so not the case but I'm sure I'm not the only one. All I have been needing to do is reaching out my hands up to him and lifting my burdens to Him, cause He wants them! I am so caught up in what I look like on the outside, but at the end of the day who cares! That's one of the many things that will pass away pretty quickly. However, I focus most of my time worrying about that, when its the inside that will last forever. That I will be judged on. Come judgment day, God will not say "Jack..Girl, you looked GOOD yesterday... Come on in." No, it will sound a little bit more like "I never knew you, get away from me Jackie, it was the inside that counted." My fruit is all I need to be offering. That's all I have thats of worth. The fruit that I am producing is not of any kind that I would want to eat whatsoever. I need to begin getting to work, seeking out the things the Lord is showing me and finding ways I can conquer them. To pass the tests that He is giving me... How can I pray for patience, and when He gives me an opportunity to be patient, I fail? I need to begin to assess. To change, and just "do" rather than want. I was talking to a friend yesterday and was enlightened upon the fact that the Lord isn't sitting up there watching us fail, He is with us! He is mourning right along side us, letting us know that He doesn't want this for us, but He sure will be with us through it. In fact, He is carrying us! He want's us to pass. He genuinely loves us and GIVES us trials, just so we can exercise and learn. I am loving this. Yes, I hate it sometimes. When I go off of my feeling and how this doesn't "feel" fun, but Satan has access to our feelings and one day I may not "feel" great. That's when the power of the Lord comes into play, and that's where I need to grab onto him and know in my soul that He has overcome all of the negative things that are sustaining my heart. He is the owner of my heart, and will not let that stand. I praise the Lord for this. This blessing to draw nearer and closer and more and more intimate. Matthew 7:14 states "But small is the gate and narrow is the path that leads to life, and only a few find it." This is 100% dead on. It isn't easy, most don't like the way the Lord has it set out to be but this is the way it is, and once we are able to see the light in the growing process and the sanctification process, that's when healing, life, and fulfillment of the Lord takes place. So be broken, love it... Roll in it and allow the Lord to reveal more and more to you, its all a part of the sanctification and growing process.