A Scary Confession

As I sit at my new little desk placed purposefully in front of one of the brightest windows in my room, I am taken back by what I just caught myself do. After listening to an amazing sermon on vanity straight from the book of Ecclesiastes, I opened up my bible and found myself in a panic. I could not find a highlighter! All I had was the .01 thickness fine line marker. No pink, yellow or green highlighter, no thick colored sharpie, just something that would be unnoticeable by anyone other than me if I were to make any markings in my bible. I underlined something quickly, and immediately closed it. Why was this a problem? Why did I desire something so bold, in order that those around me would be able to notice those markings in my bible the next time I opened it? 

Sometimes we can get so caught up in looking like the perfect type of Christian, when we need to realize that it has nothing to do with anything on the outside, but absolutely everything on the inside. I was listening to a tape the other day, and the man mentioned finding a man whose bible looks tattered, worn or used. That moment, I thought to myself. "Is my bible tattered enough? Does my bible look used enough if people were to see?" I remember stressing out, thinking of how much I would hate to be judged as a person, according to what my bible looks like. I'll never forget a few years ago, a situation with a young man who I truly admired simply because of his genuine and intimate walk with the Lord. This was near the beginning stages of mine, so I was at a point where I wanted to know how to LOOK like a "real" Christian. I was sitting near him, when he took out his bible and to my surprise, it looked brand spankin' new. I was confused! I didn't understand how a Christian so dedicated, so "good", could have no highlighting marks, no pen marks, no wrinkled pages, I was taken back and had to ask him. "Why don't you highlight or write in your book? Is it new?" He graciously explained how to him, that Word was precious. He found no need to mark it up or make it look any certain way. He would rather write those verses and stories on his heart.

This morning, I think of that very little and quick conversation, as well as my thought process this morning. We cannot get so caught up in what we look like to other people. What our bibles look like, how many prayer journals we have gone through, what pastors or leaders we've gone to lunch with, all of these things are great, however when our identity gets wrapped up in them- this is where it becomes a problem. I cannot get wrapped up in what the pages of God's Word look like to those around me when we're sitting in church. I cannot pray and hope that I'm not judged if we so happen to open up to the book of Numbers, where Lord knows the pages in that book are probably still stuck together! On the same token, I cannot be one to judge when someone else's bible doesn't look as worn as I think it should. In all honesty, after talking to the guy who had no markings on his bible, that took absolutely nothing away from the fact that he was one of the brightest shining lights for the Kingdom. 

We need to generate a mindset of realness. With ourselves, as well as with others. Don't simply desire to look like a "real" or "good" Christian on the outside, when it's the inside that needs work. You will wear yourself out, and you will be left with dissatisfaction and emptiness. Tattered, highlighted or worn out bibles are by no means a bad thing. No one bit at all, but if it becomes something you are conscious of- especially in the presence of others, that is where it gets dangerous. So if you're anything like me and you see this to be a struggle, challenge yourself and realize that it's time to get a new bible. An untouched, unmarked bible. We need to discipline ourselves to take our mind off of what the inside of our bibles look like, and begin directing our focus towards what the inside of WE look like.